Dreams of his Captain
by Arden Tenjou
Summary: Renji has been hiding his feelings for Byakuya for years. When he is forced to confess, of course, Byakuya rejects him. But he also orders him to forget his feelings, and offers something shocking in exchange. Even as Renji admires Byakuya's exquisite aesthetic like gazing at the moon, Byakuya gradually begins to view his loyal dog with something more than friendship. (Reversible)
1. Chapter 1

Note: smex starts in Chapter Three. :) Enjoy! 3

Chapter One

For some time now, Abarai Renji had been having trouble sleeping. He couldn't remember exactly when his sleep had started to be disturbed by dreaming of Captain Kuchiki. But at some point, as he spent so much time watching him, admiring him and wanting to beat him, Renji found the quality of his observation had changed.

Kuchiki Byakuya's hair was straight, black and fine, like Rukia's, but more silky and alluring in the way it dripped down onto his neck and shoulders. On rare occasions when the wind caught it, the back of his neck was visible. The first time Renji saw that happen, he couldn't help a brief fantasy that entered his head about brushing his fine, silky hair aside and breathing in the skin on the back of his neck. And when he happened to glance at Byakuya's collar bone, he could only think about sliding his hands within to part his haori and shihakusho to see and feel what lay beneath.

Renji sighed in frustration as he tried to sleep once again. There was only one thing that seemed to help him sleep. Unfortunately, that thing made him feel so guilty he sometimes had trouble meeting his captain's gaze the next day.

On just such a morning, after Renji had self-medicated so to speak to thoughts of what lay beneath his captain's haori, Renji was called upon to escort Byakuya back to his office after a captain's meeting. He avoided eye contact when possible, but fortunately Kuchiki Byakuya rarely made eye contact to begin with unless he was angry. The two men walked together back toward the sixth division barracks, neither requiring conversation, when they passed a few members of the fourth division in the street. Renji wasn't paying attention to their conversation until a particular phrase struck him like being slapped in the face.

"But they're both men, aren't they?"

Renji felt muscles in the back of his neck begin to tense. Captain Kuchiki didn't falter in his gait, so Renji wasn't sure he had even heard. He was a cautious and observant person, but Renji also doubted he'd be interested in the gossip of the plebs. For Renji though, a familiar fear that he'd grown up with forced him to continue paying attention even as they walked. The fourth division were walking slower but in the same direction, and hadn't noticed the two officers yet.

"Yeah. Captain Unohana caught them together in a storage closet. They say they're in love, but the captain was still furious that they let it interfere with work. Now she's talking about transferring one of them to a different division."

"Ugh. Can't she transfer both? I don't want one of them sneaking up on me in the shower."

That was it. The typical response. Even so, rather than getting used to it, each time hearing the same bigoted thing just increased the burning feeling at the back of his neck. As always, it was being caught between the urge to lash out or flee, while knowing neither was really an option. Renji glanced cautiously at Captain Kuchiki's face to see if he had any opinion about what they'd just overheard.

A very slight indentation of disapproval had formed between his brows, but in a moment it was wiped away. The captain merely muttered, "Shameful."

Renji couldn't find words to answer at first. It was a shock that not only had the captain been listening, but that he apparently viewed people like Renji as shameful. But then again, Renji needed little reminder of how lowly Byakuya thought of him. He thought things might have changed a little since Renji had revealed his bankai, but obviously there were more problems between them than just Renji being a stray dog and Byakuya being the moon.

"Forgive me for speaking out of turn, Captain," Renji muttered. Captain Kuchiki glanced at him, apparently surprised he was speaking up at all. "But it's not good to be overheard saying discriminatory things. You never know who may be hurt and lose faith in your leadership from hearing such words."

Kuchiki Byakuya's eyebrows lifted a millimeter in a challenging stare. "You mean there may be some in my division? I doubt that."

Renji sighed, feeling that uncomfortable heat rise to the back of his neck again. Well, hiding it obviously wasn't doing him any good. It might actually be hurting others in their division if the captain had an attitude like this. Or that's what Renji would like to tell himself. But in all honestly he was merely frustrated with their current relationship, angry at being rejected even indirectly, and part of him had just about given up.

In the end, Renji said flatly and primarily out of spite, "Don't be so sure, Captain." But when Byakuya did not react to this statement, he added matter-of-factly, "I'm gay."

After this revelation, there was protracted silence between them. The two continued walking without exchanging a single word until they were nearly back at the sixth division. Renji began to wonder if Byakuya hadn't heard. His expression didn't change.

It was almost like he had a glitch, because as they entered the barracks Captain Kuchiki said as if there had been no pause in the conversation at all, "It was not necessary to tell me that."

Renji raised his eyebrows. Did that mean he wished he hadn't? Well, it was out there now. Nor could he change the fact that he was gay, whatever his captain's opinion about it. But Renji had a moment of panic as he realized the captain might be preparing to tell him to leave his division.

Captain Kuchiki closed his eyes with a tired sigh. "I see you have misunderstood, with your usual blunt and artless interpretation of words."

Renji frowned. He wasn't sure what misunderstanding there could be about "shameful." "Is that so, Captain?" he asked, carefully avoiding a confrontational tone.

Byakuya continued tonelessly, "It was the act of fornication in public that I was referring to when I said such behavior was shameful. I highly doubt any of the shinigami that I personally chose to join the sixth division would exhibit such a lack of self-control. I also agree with you that it is not only vulgar but simply childish to gossip about others' private lives. Does that satisfy you, Renji?"

Renji couldn't stop the deep flush overtaking his countenance. This was mortifying. He wanted to crawl into a hole. Not only had he misunderstood and exposed himself in a moment of frustration, but as ever his captain's sense of honor and fairness had struck his heart deeply.

He struggled to hide his facial expression and simply murmured, "Forgive my impertinence, Captain."

"It is forgotten."

Renji's chest ached a little at that, but he was grateful too. If it meant he could continue to stand by Byakuya's side, it was probably best if the captain forgot what he had just told him.

…

Renji considered the issue settled for the time being, although he noticed now and then an odd glance his way from Captain Kuchiki. He knew what it was; mild homophobic curiosity. He'd seen it before from others he'd been foolish enough to trust, namely Kira and Hisagi-sempai. It hurt, but he figured it would pass in a few days. Then Captain Kuchiki would go back to simply looking down on him for his low birth and lack of spiritual power, which of course wasn't ideal but at least it was familiar.

Renji returned to Soul Society one evening after visiting Ichigo in his school. It was surprisingly entertaining to do human things, and he always tended to have fun when Ichigo was around. The debriefing with the captain afterward as usual turned into mostly funny stories about Ichigo or his friends. As usual, Captain Kuchiki listened without comment for most of this, but at one point he began to frown.

Renji had more or less finished his report and was awkwardly half-laughing after finishing a story, waiting for him to speak. He continued to wait, but Captain Kuchiki remained seated exactly as he was, his fingers laced and sitting in his lap, his gaze distant. Was he upset that Renji's report contained so many irrelevant details? His silence was often the most terrifying thing about him.

"I see," he said after a strangely long time. "Thank you, Renji."

"Sir," Renji said, nodding and turning away. "I'll just be filling in paperwork here if you need anything," he added, taking a seat at the vice captain's desk opposite Captain Kuchiki's. He settled down to work without looking at the captain, in case he either really was annoyed or was caught up thinking about something and didn't want to be disturbed.

"Renji. What is your opinion of Kurosaki Ichigo?" Byakuya asked suddenly.

Renji flinched, feeling his skin prickle with the first signs of sweat. "Uh…in what sense, Captain?"

An unamused glance flicked his way. "Do not make me repeat myself. Answer in the way you think most appropriate."

"Yes…well, I think he's trustworthy."

Captain Kuchiki's face didn't move. " 'Trustworthy,' " he repeated stonily.

Renji was starting to get really nervous now, having no idea what he might have done to set the captain off. "Yes. Just…that I don't think he'd ever betray Soul Society. I think the decision to let him keep his powers, under supervision, was correct. But I think he's a very good man and a powerful ally."

"I see. And that's all?"

"Captain…?" Renji queried, still nervous and not sure what the captain wanted from him.

Captain Kuchiki rose from his desk to stand in that elegant way of his, facing the window with a thoughtful expression. "Renji," he said in a hard tone.

"Yes!" Renji managed, his back automatically straightening, not wanting to appear insubordinate or lazy to further anger him, though he still didn't know what he'd done in the first place.

"As I've told you before, your personal life is none of my business. But I trust you to be able to keep your work and personal life separate. Do you understand my meaning?"

He was starting to, but shock had silenced him. Was Captain Kuchiki really implying what Renji thought he was?

As if to confirm Renji's worst fears, Byakuya told him in all seriousness, "Kurosaki Ichigo is not for you."

"Oh Jesus…" Renji cried, letting his head fall to the desk in exasperation.

"I beg your understanding in-"

"Captain!" Renji interjected, rising from his seat and planting both hands firmly on the desk.

Captain Kuchiki raised a thin, elegant eyebrow at the noise.

Renji breathed in deeply to calm his temper. "I don't…I'm…not…" He let out a heavy sigh and started again more calmly, "I have never thought of Kurosaki Ichigo in that way. Even if I did, I can assure you I am not a teenager and don't need to be told not to let relationships affect my work. Please don't look down on me just because of the other day."

"Meaning?"

Renji cast his gaze aside in an attempt to hide his anguish. "Please don't pretend this sudden concern has nothing to do with my sexuality. You've never asked me about my love life before."

"The reason for that is simple. Up until recently, I assumed you were in love with Rukia," Byakuya replied matter-of-factly. Renji's mouth fell unflatteringly open and he inadvertently produced an odd squeak. "I had no problem with that fact, and I was considering accepting your proposal if it ever came. This gives me more to consider. As my vice captain, whomever you choose will have at least some reflection on me."

Renji stood staring at him, dumbfounded for some time. Captain Kuchiki stared back with mild interest, obviously even less equipped to deal with the current situation than Renji was but relatively unfazed. Unfortunately, he took Renji's stunned, outraged silence to mean he could continue speaking.

"May I ask if you have a lover, currently?"

Blood rushed to Renji's head, making his whole face feel hot. He blinked, his mouth still hanging open but unable to form words. "Captain…" he struggled. "…that question is sexual harassment."

Byakuya tilted his head in reluctant agreement. "As you say," he replied, turning back out the window. "Certainly you are under no obligation to answer, and we are both off duty now so no regulations of conduct have been broken. I am curious, but to ignore the question is your prerogative."

Renji set his head in his hand with a heavy sigh. How could such a cultured and careful man say such outlandish things so easily? Renji's heart was beginning to pound into his throat. It's just the usual curiosity, he told himself again and again as he gathered a response. Don't read anything into this, it's not that he cares about you. Even so, the idea of Kuchiki Byakuya asking him about his love life was sending warm, electric feelings through his body.

"I…don't."

Byakuya's impenetrable gaze returned to him, though still expressionless. "Is that so?"

Renji shifted his jaw as if to continue but was unable to elaborate any further. Being under Byakuya's unyielding gaze was making his heart race.

"And is there someone in your heart?"

Don't ask me anymore, Renji begged silently. He closed his eyes, his hand instinctively grasping at the ache in the center of his chest. But he couldn't lie to his captain. "Yes."

Byakuya didn't answer. When next Renji looked up at him, he had turned his back to Renji. He could tell nothing of his reaction to what Renji had said. He felt so exposed. Captain Kuchiki could reject him at any moment. He prayed his captain would not press him for the name. He couldn't hide it if he asked.

"I see. Thank you, Renji." After a moment of pause, Byakuya continued, "Please finish your paperwork in the morning. I wish to work here in silence for a couple of hours."

"Captain…I won't-"

"You're dismissed."

An ache yawned deeply within Renji's chest at these cold words. He knew he just meant for the day, but it sounded like he was pushing Renji away entirely. He let his head sink down as he struggled to obey.

"Yes, sir," he murmured. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Renji."

When Renji entered his quarters that night, a profound loneliness sank into him. As ever, Captain Kuchiki was so far away that he lost the courage even to reach out, even just to admire him. Nothing he did ever seemed to bring him any nearer. Yet when he was alone, especially at night, the ache for Kuchiki Byakuya only continued to grow. Renji decided he would have to try to do something to quiet them, or find some other outlet if he wanted to keep his job.

Unfortunately, the next day was the day that Inoue Orihime disappeared. It was a shock to everyone, even those that didn't know Inoue well. But they'd all been waiting for Aizen's next move, it was just these Arrancar that were a surprise. It was hard for them watching Ichigo try to fight the Commander's decision. But there was never a doubt in Renji's mind, or probably Rukia's either, what they were going to do.

Renji only returned briefly to Soul Society that night to gather some things for the journey into Hueco Mundo. He used shunpo and hid his reiatsu as much as possible so no one would know exactly where he was. His greatest fear was that Captain Kuchiki would find him. He knew his captain well and didn't expect the incident with Rukia to have softened him as much as some seemed to think. As far as he had heard, any softness Kuchiki Byakuya ever had had died with Hisana, and that was long before Renji had met him. At best, Byakuya would imprison Renji for dissension. At worst, he might try (and succeed this time) to kill him.

Renji was quietly folding and placing some clothes inside a furoshiki, constantly looking over his shoulder even though it was his own room and the door was closed. But it was a good thing, because suddenly it wasn't. When Renji straightened, despite there being no sound or signs of movement, light caught the corner of his eye.

He froze. Kuchiki Byakuya was standing in his doorway, expressionless as ever, eyes cast idly toward the floor near Renji's feet. Renji swallowed, ready to draw Zabimaru if need be. Trying to pretend it wasn't breaking his heart to see his captain for what might be the last time. To have Byakuya's last memory of him be one of betrayal.

"Cap-" he began softly.

"Don't speak," Captain Kuchiki interrupted.

Shame overtook him and Renji lowered his head, ready to accept his fate. He remembered how Byakuya had reacted to a similar betrayal by Rukia, whom he cared about much more than he ever had for Renji. Byakuya would never forgive this. Even if he found mercy enough to let Renji live, this was throwing away any trust they had ever built between them. Renji would be lucky if he was even allowed to stay in his captain's heart at all, if only as a trace of resentment.

Or so he thought. But the captain's next actions made Renji question whether there was ever anything he had ever understood about Kuchiki Byakuya.

"I did caution you," Byakuya said in an undertone. "Yet in the end this was always going to be your answer. You choose Kurosaki Ichigo over…your duty."

The slight pause, as if he'd been about to say something else, made a flutter of excitement run though Renji's heart. He told himself he was imagining things. It couldn't be what he thought it was.

"You only feel duty to Soul Society, Captain?" Renji asked him. "You wanted to help Ichigo too. I know you feel as indebted to him as I do."

"Unlikely," Byakuya replied without blinking. "Kurosaki Ichigo turned Soul Society on its head, mostly for selfish reasons. It was you and Captain Ukitake who truly saved Rukia, going against every rule and instinct and with no care for yourselves. My debt is to you."

Renji's heart ached so badly that he lost his breath. He never expected to hear such words from his captain. Never thought he viewed Renji's actions with such reverence, rather than resentment. Without thinking, Renji took a step toward him. He stopped himself there. It was still impossible. Even if he did feel gratitude, even if that was more than Renji ever expected from him, it wasn't love. He would never return Renji's feelings. And now he was betraying any chance he ever had. Still, he had to help Ichigo. There was no other way.

Captain Kuchiki finally looked him, seemingly wondering what he was doing, oddly paused in the middle of the room. Whatever he decided, he closed the door behind him. With his typically calm, perfect demeanor, he walked toward where Renji was. He stopped just a few feet away, his large, black eyes fixed on Renji's, his face half lit by moonlight. Renji's heart felt it was about to burst.

"I was never very good with words," Byakuya muttered. "If there were something I could say to change your mind, what would it be?"

Renji's chest felt so tight it was difficult to breathe except in gasps. He loved him so much it almost brought tears to his eyes. What was he thinking? How could he leave him without telling him how he felt? Renji had never even properly touched him. Could he die without knowing the feeling of simply holding his hand? Was that too much selfishness to ask of the universe?

Renji was about to answer honestly, to tell him that any words from him would be enough to keep him here, when Byakuya continued with a hint of malice, "Never mind. I was foolish to come here. Someone who would chose love over duty isn't worth my attention."

He turned toward the door. Instantly, anger shattered through any soft feelings Renji was having, and disbelief gave way to utter incredulity. Renji grabbed his arm and pulled him back toward his body. They both stared at each other, equally shocked at Renji's insubordination. Renji tried to gather his courage, even though simply touching his captain's sleeve was enough to make his hand tremble.

"You are a fool, Kuchiki Byakuya," he growled with as much force as he could muster.

Byakuya's eyebrows drew together sharply in anger, disbelieving that Renji could be so disrespectful. Renji himself wanted to crawl into a corner and beg forgiveness, but if this would be the last time then he had to say it.

"To think there's anyone who matters more to me," Renji whispered intensely to him. "To think I could ever let love take priority over duty. All these years and my actions still don't prove my devotion?"

"You contradict yourself," Byakuya shot back bitterly, his arm tensing in Renji's grasp. "And I don't want to hear your lovesick reasoning. Your actions speak for themselves. If I hear Kurosaki Ichigo's name from your lips one more time-"

"For the last time, Captain, it's not Ichigo."

Saying this, even as Byakuya's lips parted in confusion, in the cold darkness of parting Renji pulled him close. He cupped his cheek in his own trembling hand, heat and love and regret racing through his blood. Byakuya took in a sharp breath of shock but did not pull away. And finally their breath mixed, and Renji's lips met his. When Renji at last felt Byakuya's body pressed to his own, tense and unsure but not resisting, the feeling was so intense he felt he might pass out. His whole body was alive with sensation, his heat and the little movements of his hips and back, and finally his lips, everything thrilled Renji to his core.

He even hesitated for a moment, meeting Byakuya's gaze as both men panted, giving him a chance to pull away. When he didn't, Renji took his chances and deepened the kiss, tilting Byakuya's head back and drawing his waist closer. Byakuya's sharp breaths into his mouth were more exciting than he had ever dreamed. Renji didn't take the time to wonder why he wasn't fighting. He wanted this moment to last for eternity.

But in an instant, it was all over.

Suddenly, he was cold and alone again. Byakuya gripped his collar with the hand that had just shoved him back effortlessly to arm's length. Physical pain emanated from the space where he touched, even though it hadn't been hard enough to hurt. This rejection, after the briefest hope that his feelings might be returned, crushed whatever hope still remained.

Even after this drastic change, for many long moments, Byakuya said nothing. When he finally did, his perfect demeanor had returned. "You are not in your right mind, Vice Captain Abarai," he said.

Renji lowered his head and allowed the despair to sink in, even savoring this last, slight touch of Byakuya's fingers against the skin of his chest.

"I suggest you take a few days of medical leave."

Renji blinked up at that. He must know where Rukia and Renji were planning on going. Why medical leave? Wasn't he planning on imprisoning them?

His fingers slowly released Renji's collar and he turned away. "It may be hot where you are going," he said in an odd tone of voice that Renji didn't recognize. "You would be wise to protect your skin. You're not fair skinned but your ridiculous hairstyle does expose a lot of skin. And Rukia burns easily."

With that, he tossed something heavy onto Renji bed as he moved toward the door. Renji stared in amazement. Two heavy, desert cloaks now lay on his bed, one large and one small. Captain Kuchiki had apparently brought them with him. He'd been planning on giving them to Renji from the start. This all only occurred to him as the door was beginning to close.

"Take care, Renji," Byakuya muttered. He shut the door behind him.

Renji felt his reiatsu vanish as he left immediately. For a moment, Renji stood frozen with emotion. He sank down and rested one hand on the bed, staring at these articles of Byakuya's affection. He gripped the fabric in his fingers, using all his force of will not to follow him and kiss him again, to tell him he was never leaving him. And he wouldn't, he swore it. If Renji returned from Hueco Mundo alive, he would spend every remaining second of that life by Byakuya's side.

That night, he joined Rukia briefly before they all went together to Urahara Kisuke's shop. From there, to repay a debt, and to rescue Inoue Orihime before Ichigo broke down Aizen's doors all by himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Warning: homophobic language. (Marked by X～X if you want to skip it.)

Chapter Two

Byakuya's mansion had returned to the silence of Rukia's absence. Not that she ever made that much noise, but the house seemed larger and lacking in warmth when she was gone. Byakuya walked the silent, wooden pathways over the garden on the morning after they had left, letting his mind go blank.

There was nothing for him to do now but wait. Wait while the two people in the world most dear to him went into the most dangerous place imaginable. Kurosaki Ichigo was with them, but that was no guarantee they would ever return. In his concern over their safety, and the need to prepare for the conflict with Aizen, Byakuya could almost forget what had happened just before Renji left.

When he left Renji's room that night, it had taken several minutes for his pulse to return to normal. His skin where Renji had touched him remained warm and tingly long after. He reflexively clenched his fists even remembering it. It was shameful. He could never let anyone know what had happened, and definitely not what he had felt that night.

A member of the Onmitsukidou, a distant relative of the Kuchiki upon whom Byakuya frequently imposed for information, appeared out of nowhere in the tall grass less than ten feet away. Byakuya faced him.

"Is there news from Hueco Mundo?" Byakuya asked, knowing that Kurotsuchi Mayuri's division as well as several other places within the Seireitei had the ability to map reiatsu in Hueco Mundo, and that a skilled Onmitsukidou operative had access to almost all of them.

"Captain Kuchiki," the masked man said, bowing his head with one fist on the ground respectfully. "Kuchiki Rukia, Vice Captain Abarai Renji, Kurosaki Ichigo, as well as several other ryoka from Karakura-cho currently under Seireitei surveillance, have become separated from one another within Aizen Sousuke's compound, and each is in currently battle with an Espada."

Byakuya's eyes minimally widened. It took all his control to keep the fear from his face. "How are they fairing?"

The Onmitsukidou paused. "Apart from Kurosaki Ichigo…all are losing badly."

"Rukia…?" Byakuya pressed, his jaw tightening.

"Kuchiki Rukia-dono has defeated her opponent, but has been mortally wounded in the process. She is currently unable to move. And…another Espada is approaching her location."

Byakuya's heart leapt into his mouth. He turned away from the operative to gather his racing thoughts and return his composure. "Where is Yamada Hanataro?"

"From the fourth division, sir? I do not know."

"Bring him to me. And alert Kurotsuchi Mayuri that I will be intruding upon him within the next half hour."

"Sir."

The Onmitsukidou vanished, and Byakuya took in and let out a deep breath. He grasped Senbonzakura's hilt. Kurosaki Ichigo had broken Byakuya's tightly wound chains over his self-control. The fact was, Byakuya no longer had any ability to uphold rule and order where Rukia was concerned. He would not waste any more time.

He swept down his nearly silent halls, quickly retrieving a desert cloak that he had had prepared along with those for Renji and Rukia. He was about to leave when he encountered an unexpected figure in the entrance hall. His uncle, Kuchiki Seijou.

Seijou, the oldest living male Kuchiki, frequently occupied the role of Byakuya's conscience and had a habit of appearing at the most inconvenient times. It was he who had accompanied Byakuya and spoken for him on his first meeting with Rukia. In all honesty, Byakuya had few pleasant memories associated with his uncle.

Seijou, who usually hunched, stood straighter in pride as he faced down his comparatively hot-tempered nephew. He gave a cursory nod of his head in greeting. "Byakuya-sama. Good morning," he said.

"Good morning, Oji-sama." Byakuya held back any excuses about why he was leaving. Any attempt to explain would only make the situation worse.

The shrewd Kuchiki's gaze flicked briefly to the cloak in Byakuya's hand, but apparently that wasn't what he wanted to talk about. With a deceptively pleasant tone, he said, "How is your division?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary," Byakuya answered carefully. He unconsciously clenched his jaw at this delay, worry for Rukia making his muscles ache to move, but unable to break protocol with his uncle.

"Really? Strange. I heard a rumor that was very out of the ordinary."

Ice ran through Byakuya's veins. He carefully kept any visible reaction from his face, though instantly he knew how bad the situation was. "I cannot imagine what it might have been," he replied without inflection.

X

Seijou's lilac eyes, the same as Byakuya's and his father's, narrowed pitilessly. "You have a faggot in your division?"

Byakuya quickly quelled the little spark of anger that rose in his chest at hearing that word. As someone who had grown up with every comfort and had never been ostracized or disparaged for things he couldn't control, Byakuya never placed too much value on the ability of particular words to do harm. But hearing such a disrespectful word used about someone close to him felt like a personal insult.

"A person who is homosexual, you mean?" Byakuya clarified.

Seijou merely gazed back at him without the slightest waver in his disapproving gaze.

Byakuya closed his eyes and let out a thoughtful breath. "I have no idea." Though he was tempted to point out that such matters went far beyond a captain's duty, he knew nothing good would come from that.

Seijou's eyes widened minimally in incredulity. "Is that so? How disappointing." He took a few steps toward Byakuya to peer up at him from a deceptively innocent perspective. But he knew, as Byakuya did, that in this family those who controlled order had all the power. "I never took you for a fag-lover, Byakuya-sama. To heap shame upon your past vices, even though as a child you so resembled Ginrei-sama."

Byakuya had no ability to answer these crushing statements against his character. Even if he hadn't thought them himself in the past, he had no answer to the fact that as far as the clan was concerned, they were true. Even so, the spark of anger lit at the insult to Renji continued flickering steadily. Perhaps it was that these insults were more focused on someone else, and someone he cared about, that Byakuya was able to take offense, rather than just bow to them as he usually would.

He met his uncle's gaze without wavering. The older Kuchiki seemed to be playing chicken with him, also unyielding. "Are you doing the fucking, or letting him do you like a woman?"

Finally, Byakuya's composure broke. His eyebrows rose with shock. "Oji-sama," he said carefully. "With respect-"

"You have no respect," Seijou cut in poisonously, his noble face twisting with disgust. "To drag your family name through the mud by associating with a faggot." The elder Kuchiki took a breath to regain his control and straightened his back again. "Of course, there is no reason for despair. There are ways it can be done."

That last statement truly knocked Byakuya back with shock. This was starting to feel surreal.  
The arbiter of the pride of the Kuchiki was condoning homosexual behavior?

X

"Oh you're not the first. Don't be a fool. This family has secrets that you will never know, be certain of that. And no matter what, don't think you can escape your responsibility as head of this family. There must be children. I don't care how you do it, but you're going to have children – and with a noblewoman. Other than that, whenever you feel an urge, you need only ask and we will arrange something for you. Quietly and conveniently."

Byakuya reeled from this deluge of poison from his normally fairly taciturn uncle. The idea of Byakuya being gay must truly have angered him for him to speak so much, and so much vitriol. Even so, he couldn't help but feel a sting from the point about children. Byakuya still intended to fulfill his responsibilities as head. But ever since Hisana, that was one that was still painful to even consider. That pain had then been followed with that infuriating suggestion that Byakuya was so badly in need of physical pleasure that he would have to have his family arrange it for him.

But Seijou was not done. "The one thing you will not do is parade one around you, for all to see. If the rumors are true, then I expect that vice captain of yours will have to find himself a new position." The elder Kuchiki's expression turned cold. "Perhaps lying down, six feet under."

Rage and fear inflamed Byakuya's chest as he stared at his heartless uncle. That had to be an empty threat. It must be. No matter how valuable the pride of the Kuchiki, it wasn't worth murder. It was just a threat. Wasn't it?

Byakuya couldn't tear his eyes away from his uncle's face as he tried to read the level of seriousness in his last statement. He swallowed. Seijou's eyes were steady. There was little malice in his expression now, only confidence. Byakuya couldn't see a trace of exaggeration. Of threat. In his uncle's cold, violet eyes, he saw a promise. And that promise chilled Byakuya to his very core.

It might be real. It might not be. But Byakuya had learned the consequences of defying his uncle long before he started fraternizing with the proletariat. He closed his eyes, accepting his inability to act or even object.

"Your concern is noted, but unnecessary," Byakuya said, striding past Seijou toward the door. "Excuse me."

And it was indeed unnecessary. Even if they were not captain and vice captain, even if Byakuya were not the head of a noble family, he would never be with Renji. It didn't even bear thinking about. Besides, right now someone else needed Byakuya far more. He had spent too long worrying about this already.

…

Upon reaching Hueco Mundo, Byakuya pointedly avoided Renji's reiatsu and headed straight for Rukia's, just as he felt it weakening. He arrived just in time, but Rukia's injuries were much worse than he imagined. The confrontation with his uncle, combined with the state Rukia was in, not to mention the deeply irritating high-handedness of his opponent, left him utterly unsatisfied upon defeating him. As a result, he couldn't escape getting into an altercation with Zaraki Kenpachi. Even though they both already had a new opponent.

It was some time later, after they had already sent Kurosaki Ichigo on ahead to help in the fight against Aizen, that they all came to realize their grave mistake. Aizen's true purpose in taking Inoue Orihime. But by then, of course, it was too late.

It was as Byakuya was urging himself not to follow, reminding himself that if he encountered Aizen with his current injuries and reduced reiatsu that only death would await him, that Renji chose to approach him.

"Captain…" Renji murmured, holding bandaged ribs and wearing an expression not unlike a kicked puppy.

Byakuya closed his eyes to rid himself of frustration. Part of his attention remained behind him where Rukia was still being healed. "Do not idly comment on our mistake, Renji," Byakuya told him coldly. "It is done now."

"Yes, but-"

"Enough."

Renji still seemed to want to object, but reluctantly he looked away. "You saved Rukia," he murmured at length.

"Of course," Byakuya replied, trying to hide the conceit in his own heart.

"As, again, I couldn't." Renji sighed deeply, and somehow his chest seemed to fall more than usual, his voice growing softer. "No matter what I do I never even come close to you."

Byakuya's fingers very slightly tightened over Senbonzakura's hilt, without his even realizing. He didn't want to answer that. It was true what he was saying, it wasn't important and Byakuya had no reason to care about Renji's self-esteem. Yet what was this ache spreading across his chest?

"Of course that's why I fell in love with you."

Byakuya's eyes widened. He snapped around to look behind them, making sure no one else in ear shot had been paying attention. Incredulity and anger bubbled up slowly within him, fed by all the angering stimulus of the past two days. He began to walk away from Renji.

Without turning to face him he said, "I won't discuss that here."

He used shunpo to quickly move out into the desert, away from prying ears and eyes. Either Renji would follow, and Byakuya would adjust his attitude by force if need be, or he wouldn't and would grant Byakuya some silence and solitude for a change. He wasn't surprised when Renji appeared a moment later, looking concerned, groaning as he held his stomach with a hand that shook. He clearly still wasn't well enough to be walking around. But that was his problem.

It took a few moments for Byakuya to sort out what he wanted to say and to avoid an emotional outburst. He rapped his fingers once absently over Senbonzakura's hilt. He was about to begin his tirade when Renji spoke first.

"I'm sorry."

Byakuya could not say he had been expecting that, and when he heard it his fire of indignation was effectively snuffed out. He sighed.

"Captain…the truth is, I never meant to tell you. I didn't want to burden you," Renji continued softly, further robbing Byakuya of his urge to discipline his crass vice captain. "But now that you know I thought it would be easier if I were open about it. I was wrong. I'm sorry."

"Hm," Byakuya murmured. "I'm pleased to hear you know your place."

A flicker of pain passed over Renji's face. But he nodded numbly, watching the ground. "I do, Captain."

Why am I regretting making him make that face? Byakuya asked himself. He pushed that impulse away and instead refused to let Renji off with just that. He pressed, "So you can give up on this desire?"

Renji's eyes widened, even though he was staring at the sand, not directly at Byakuya. And then more hurt than Byakuya had ever seen on his subordinate's face overtook his features. Byakuya genuinely believed that Renji, who'd only cried once in all the time they'd known each other, might cry.

Renji shifted his gaze as if looking for an answer in the sand. "Is that what you wish me to do, Captain?"

Irritated at being asked to state the obvious, and further silenced by a deep and inexplicable ache in his chest, Byakuya refused to answer.

Renji watched him cautiously to confirm the answer, and when he did, Byakuya watched amazed as a tear ran down his cheek without his expression even changing. Renji looked away.

"Yes, Captain. I understand."

With that, Renji turned away. He used shunpo to leave Byakuya alone where he was. But it didn't take Byakuya long to realize that he hadn't made it back to the others. Without bothering to use shunpo, Byakuya calmly crested the nearest sand dune toward where Renji had tried to go.

Renji was on his knees, one hand splayed in the dirt and the other holding his chest. Byakuya couldn't tell if that was from physical pain or emotional. The vice captain tried to look less disheveled when he realized his captain was approaching and merely sat back on his knees.

"Forgive me, Captain," Renji murmured. "I just need a moment."

Byakuya narrowed his eyes in disapproval. Secretly, much of his disapproval was toward the way his own heart ached worse than ever to see Renji like this. "A moment you cannot have, while we are still in enemy territory and at war with Aizen," he told him. He gazed at the horizon, considering how to handle this. "But I must admit, I did not realize the extent of your problem. This is more troublesome."

Lines of pain deepened in Renji's face. "I'm sorry, Captain," he murmured, his head lowered to his chest.

"You apologize too much. But very well. You need to resolve this problem and I need my vice captain. What would hasten the end of these feelings?" Byakuya asked.

Renji looked troubled for a moment, but the lines between his brows softened. He looked down at his own hand. Slowly, he clenched it tightly on above his knee. "There is…one thing."

Byakuya swallowed unconsciously. His jaw tightened as he imagined what Renji might ask for and mentally prepared to give it to him.

"Captain…if you don't find it improper or disgusting…" Renji murmured. Byakuya closed his eyes and let out a slow breath to prepare for a shocking request. "…could you hold my hand?"

Byakuya blinked. A warm and very happy feeling ran briefly through his chest at the humility and sweetness of Renji's request, though it was followed by indignation. " 'Hand'?" he repeated in disbelief.

Renji nodded.

Byakuya whirled away to face the other direction. This was his least favorite feeling. His pride was wounded, and that didn't happen often. He took a few breaths to gather himself, but irritation still prompted him to continue.

"And that would satisfy you?" he demanded.

Renji opened his mouth to speak, but moments later he shook his head. "No. But I would always regret it if I didn't ask."

"That is a foolish request," Byakuya informed him. "If you ask for so little and give up any chance to be satisfied, you will regret it anyway. I refuse to be a part in it."

"...I understand." Renji murmured with a blank expression.

"Not here, but when we return to Soul Society, I will sleep with you once."

Renji was suddenly fully awake. He struggled to his feet as Byakuya began walking away. "Captain?!" he demanded with panic in his voice. "Do you know…what you're saying? The phrase 'sleep with' usually means-"

"I'm not an infant, Renji," Byakuya replied irritably. "Now you have a reward for your hard work to look forward to and you will be released from these troublesome feelings. There is nothing more to distract you, so please return to the fourth division, and from there to your duty as a shinigami of the Gotei 13. Is that understood?"

As he left Renji alone in the dunes, Byakuya heard him mutter softly, "Not at all." And just as he went out of hearing range, "Maybe I did actually die in that fight with Szayel Apollo…but…it hurts too much to be heaven, so…"

Byakuya was grateful there happened to be no one around to notice the color tinging his cheeks, his shortness of breath or the barely perceptible longing in his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Captain Kuchiki had said something outrageous in Hueco Mundo. Renji became half convinced he had dreamed it in the delirium of walking around with missing organs. But before he had a chance to confirm it, Ichigo engaged in his final conflict with Aizen. It had all gone so horribly wrong. Ichigo defeated Aizen in the end, but so many people had been killed or scarred by pain and death in this war. Renji doubted whether Rangiku-san would ever be the same. He didn't want to think about Hinamori.

And then there was Ichigo, who in the process to achieve greater power than Aizen, had lost every trace of spiritual power. They could all still visit him in gigai of course, but after saying goodbye to him that last time, it was hard to imagine how to talk to him. It was heartbreaking that someone who had crashed into their lives and changed them for the better, who'd sacrificed everything to help them, now had to suffer all alone because of it. Renji had a feeling Rukia wouldn't give up on him, but he didn't have much hope.

On the third day after returning to Soul Society, Renji was well enough to go back to work. He reported for duty as always, though cast his captain curious glances when he wasn't thinking. In the first place, how could he find out whether that conversation was real or whether he'd imagined it? He couldn't ask. He could never bring up a topic like that in front of his captain, only to find he had been wrong. And he definitely couldn't just do what he wanted to do. He shuddered just thinking about it.

Well, if he couldn't ask and he couldn't act, the best option seemed to just wait for Captain Kuchiki to confirm whether it were true. There was also the possibility, although with Byakuya this was less likely, that he had changed his mind since making that suggestion and now wished Renji to forget all about it. If so, it would be hard but Renji would follow his wishes. He only wanted to do what his captain wanted, thus he was even now attempting to forget his feelings. Even so, the idea of having to give him up – whether or not Byakuya would really agree to sleep with him – made it hard just getting through the day. It was difficult to realize how much his love for Byakuya defined him.

That evening, Renji went to the training grounds to meditate with Zabimaru. There was a particular area where he always felt peaceful, a tree-lined gorge where a rocky little stream flowed at certain times of year. One side of it had a view of the sunset, so he sat beneath a tree and opened his heart to let Zabimaru speak to him.

" _Renji…_ " said the white baboon, shimmering into existence before him. " _You've grown up._ "

Renji raised an eyebrow in self-disdain. "Have I?"

" _Your heart is crying, but your spirit is strong_ ," the snake spoke up, slithering around to look at Renji from the baboon's tail. " _You can still fight with a broken heart. You couldn't do that before_."

Renji sighed, closing his eyes. "It's different with him. I never expected anything in the first place."

" _Yes, Renji. That is the heart of a warrior_ ," the baboon said firmly, his words echoing in Renji's mind. " _Expect nothing. When you anticipate your enemy's move, adaptation becomes impossible. A warrior who cannot react quickly is dead_."

Renji sighed again, not really thinking of Captain Kuchiki as an enemy, but realizing that perhaps he should. That was how it always should have been. If only Captain Kuchiki were less honorable, if he were really as cruel and heartless as some people thought him, then it wouldn't matter how beautiful or noble or skilled he was. Renji could still think of him as a rival and goal only. Soon, regardless of his feelings, he may have to do exactly that.

Renji took a deep breath in and out as an old defiant flame rose within him. "Zabimaru," Renji said to the embodiment of his sword. He smirked a little. "Don't worry. I haven't forgotten what we're fighting for. Our goal is the same as ever."

He stood and wordlessly released his shikai. "To break Senbonzakura Kageyoshi." He raised Zabimaru high above his head. "Bankai!"

Hihiou Zabimaru roared into existence, towering above Renji and over the whole, sunstreaked gorge. Even though he felt a moment of uncertainty that by abandoning thought of Captain Kuchiki he was somehow abandoning a part of himself, Renji leapt down into the gorge. He used Zabimaru to set up large towers of boulders which he could then knock down with precision.

It still took an immense amount of strength, effort and concentration to move the baboon king's enormous body exactly as he wished. As time went on, it became easier to evoke the desired movements, but ultimately the joints being connected only by Renji's reiatsu was both Hihiou Zabimaru's greatest advantage and its greatest weakness. While it could be reformed no matter how many times it was broken, it left him vulnerable to any sort of reiatsu-disrupting attack or even assault on his concentration. And even as Renji was considering this very problem, a soft voice echoed through the valley.

"Bakudou number thirty-three: soukatsui."

A great flash of blue light crashed into the gorge, glancing against Zabimaru's body while he had been in mid-attack. Renji struggled to maintain control even as soukatsui stung his hand and shoulder, but instead of hitting its target of the rock tower, Hihiou Zabimaru crashed in a cloud of dust into the ground several meters away.

While feeling the double sting of being defeated in the same way twice by the same person and the physical pain of receiving a glancing blow of soukatsui, Renji turned toward the mouth of the gorge. Above him, his arms now folded calmly and the evening light casting beautiful but unreadable shadows over his noble face, Kuchiki Byakuya waited.

"Captain," Renji muttered, trying but failing to hide his bitterness. Likely the captain just wanted his attention. It was very like him to use such a disheartening method just to alert someone to his presence.

Renji couldn't say for sure but he almost felt that Byakuya might be annoyed. He paused a little too long before addressing Renji, and the shadow of the sunset deepened the normally imperceptible furrowing of his brows.

"An immature bankai, as ever," Byakuya intoned.

Renji sighed. It was true but it definitely stung hearing it, especially from this person. He raised his bone hilt. Renji carefully reestablished the stream of reiatsu and one by one drew all the joints back together to their intended shape. Hihiou Zabimaru raised his head and roared up at Kuchiki Byakuya in defiance that Renji couldn't express on his own.

"Good evening, Captain Kuchiki," he said, carefully avoiding sounding confrontational. "I don't suppose you came to spar with me?"

Again, Byakuya paused a little too long before answering. Something was angering him, but as ever Renji was lost as to what his captain might be thinking. "Captain Unohana has declared you fully healed?" the captain said at length.

"Completely," Renji replied, swinging Zabimaru's hilt and shifting the great body in a vigorous movement. The baboon king roared impatiently, eager to challenge Senbonzakura again. "So we're both in perfect condition. Isn't that right, Captain?"

Byakuya observed this in silence and without a change in expression. "I don't have time for this," he muttered, surprising Renji by visibly showing impatience. He turned away and began to leave the gorge. "Come."

"Huh?" Renji struggled to keep up with what his captain wanted. So he really had disrupted Renji's bankai only to get his attention. "Captain, wait! Didn't you come here for something?!" Renji growled, reluctantly releasing his bankai and sheathing Zabimaru to follow his captain.

It was now not nearly as difficult as it had once been to follow Captain Kuchiki's shunpo. But Renji was surprised when it led them to the Kuchiki mansion. Renji was not used to coming here. He had rarely been invited. He felt an attack of nerves as they approached the large gate, realizing he had only ever come in here through the servant's entrance a couple of times when Byakuya needed some work done outside normal work hours.

"Conceal your reiatsu," Byakuya muttered as they entered the gate.

Renji did wonder about why Byakuya would want to hide the presence of his vice captain, especially when this was his own home so presumably there was no one adversarial to worry about here, but assuming this was some kind of special mission, he did as he was told.

One was struck upon first entering the gate by the restrained beauty of the garden. The garden alone was much larger than any place Renji had ever lived, including the entirety of the sixth division barracks. Expanses of perfectly tended moss were interrupted by stone paths, boulders arranged to look like petrified waterfalls, gently bowing trees that may have been hundreds of years old, and perfectly manicured Zen sand flows. Just looking at it made one feel at the same time moved and peaceful. But Byakuya didn't stop to allow Renji to observe it.

He also bypassed the main entrance, which was a jutting out portion of the wooden walkway and roof with noren hanging from it, protecting two great wooden doors which bore the Kuchiki crest carved and painted into them. Captain Kuchiki appeared to be heading toward a blank wall, but Renji realized there was the barest outline of a door sunk in almost seamlessly with the rest of the wall. But then he was distracted as something unbelievable happened.

As he was walking over soft gravel, without any obstacles or even distractions, Kuchiki Byakuya…tripped.

Renji didn't even think as his body came to a halt as his brain was utterly taxed trying to find an answer for the inconceivable nature of what he had just seen. Kuchiki Byakuya did not do things by accident. Renji sometimes wondered if he had control over even involuntary bodily functions, because there had been a few times when they were on long missions together and Renji never saw Byakuya eat or use the bathroom for days at a time. He even seemed to have control over the rate at which his hair grew. So the idea that Kuchiki Byakuya had made a mistake at something a toddler could do didn't even bear consideration.

Renji quickly decided he was seeing things, and determined to have himself checked out again by Captain Unohana. It was much more likely that there was still some lingering effect of Kurotsuchi Mayuri's poison or Szayel Apollo's organ shuffling on Renji's own mind than that Captain Kuchiki had tripped on absolutely nothing.

Captain Kuchiki waved his hand and the door, apparently secured in place by reiatsu, sank back into the wall, then slid aside to allow a person to enter the cramped space within. Inside was a network of very narrow, wooden passageways apparently set up in a maze between rooms within the Kuchiki mansion.

Byakuya strode confidently down them, and twice servants coming the other way were forced to duck down another passage to avoid Byakuya's path, bowing there until Byakuya was long gone. Renji felt very strange about being allowed into such an intimate place (which may also have doubled as a secret escape in case of enemy attack), and avoided the gaze of the servants. But in such close quarters and following his captain closely so as not to get lost, Renji noticed a familiar smell, and one he wasn't expecting here. Sake?

Finally they approached a tiny sliding wooden door, no more than three feet tall. Byakuya drew it open. "Go inside," he told Renji.

Still curious but not willing to question his captain's orders, Renji hesitantly crouched down and entered the room. It was a large and elegant traditional room, none of which was surprising given where they were. Circular windows and parted shoji screens on one side brought in light and the smell of sweet green moss from the garden. His eye was drawn to his right, where there was a great butsudan. His heart sank as he glimpsed the face of the person honored there, and he had to look away. He couldn't face her now, and was glad he had never known her when she was alive. Still, that answered the question of where they were. This was undoubtedly Kuchiki Byakuya's room.

The captain entered behind Renji, and once again Renji decided he was seeing things when Byakuya attempted to kneel down and slammed one knee a little too hard into the tatami. Renji froze, staring at his captain until long after the vibration had ceased echoing. It was harder to imagine his whole body imagining things, rather than just his eyes. But he still couldn't account for what could be happening to his captain, so he said nothing. He caught himself glancing at the butsudan again as he tried to distract himself, though doing so only made him feel worse.

Byakuya closed the little door behind him, doing which created an illusion of it sinking into the wall as the outer door had done. He paused for a moment, his eyes following Renji's to the butsudan. He looked at it for some time before getting to his feet.

"Come," Byakuya said, striding toward the far end of the room.

Renji was grateful to leave the presence of Kuchiki Hisana and rose to follow.

Byakuya parted a closed set of shoji to the adjoining room. This room was almost identical to the previous one, but in place of the butsudan was a more traditional tokonoma, containing only one scroll of calligraphy and beside it a fresh ikebana arrangement. Renji's eyes were trapped by both these things as he realized they were most definitely the work of his captain.

In a careful and elegant hand, the calligraphy read, 「無心」(mushin). Renji had what came very close to zero knowledge of Buddhist thought, but he had a vague impression that phrase had something to do with emptiness. Conversationally "mushin" meant, "innocence". Yet in somehow a perfect expression of Renji's image of his captain, read exactly as it was written the phrase was literally, "without a heart".

As little as Renji knew about Buddhism, he knew even less about ikebana. But he still felt trapped by feelings for his captain upon observing the profound loneliness of a single, proud pine branch accented by two white orchids in a black lacquerware vase.

Byakuya closed the shoji behind them. The mansion was so vast that even though Renji knew there were many other members of the Kuchiki family living here, there was no sound of anything other than the birds and a distant stream. Byakuya paused there for a moment, still apparently not willing to give Renji an explanation for what they were doing here. He moved over to the shoji separating this room from the garden, apparently attempting to open them, but this time Renji watched with certainty as his captain definitely tripped, steadying himself on the screen.

"Captain!" Renji cried in concern and astonishment. He quickly moved to help him, grasping Byakuya by the shoulders, and in the process confirmed the most outlandish suspicion he had had upon entering this place. At this distance, it was impossible not to smell it on his breath. "Captain…I don't believe it. Are you drunk?" Renji demanded.

Byakuya did not even react overtly to the accusation. Expressionlessly, he pushed Renji's hands away. "Know your place. I have not given you permission to touch me."

"You're tripping over yourself! What are you trying to do?!"

Byakuya closed his eyes to gather himself. "That is my own business, and nothing to do with you."

Renji's jaw tightened, the pain of being told his concern wasn't even welcome echoing through his chest. "No. Your personal business is none of mine," Renji confirmed softly, mostly to remind himself. "But please tell me. Why are we here, Captain?"

"Must I explain everything for your limited understanding?"

"Apparently."

Byakuya straightened his back, observing Renji with the perfect appearance of a nobleman. It was incredible. He was clearly drunk enough not to be in complete control of his limbs, yet in every expression he was still the image of grace and elegance. His self-control was incredible.

"As I promised…you are permitted to sleep with me this one night," Byakuya murmured.

Renji's heart flew into his throat. He had a sensation of time stopping momentarily. He was almost certain this was real, but he had to pay close attention to everything to make sure. The slight chill from the outside air. The smell of tatami and wood, and sake from his captain's lips. And the slight worry edging Byakuya's large, lilac eyes.

"When the morning comes, you will forget your feelings," the captain went on, holding Renji's gaze as if to cast a spell over him. "Is that understood?"

Renji reflexively looked away to stave off the incredible pain he felt upon hearing these words. What memory of his captain, no matter how pleasant, could be worth abandoning his love? And was he indeed so far out of reach that Byakuya would go this far just to rid himself of Renji's feelings for him? Was being loved by him so unbearable?

In his contemplation on whether Byakuya's initial offer had been real, Renji had been intending to refuse. No matter how much he wanted it, he knew only pain would await him once this night was over. It would be much worse than trying to move on without this glimmer of acceptance, intimacy and happiness.

Then again, as Byakuya said, breaking his heart completely might speed the process of forgetting this love. And from what Renji could perceive, that was what Byakuya wanted of him. These feelings were creating a burden on him. One so unpleasant that he was even willing to sacrifice his great pride to rid himself of it. Upon realizing this, Renji lost the will to refuse.

Reluctantly, and even as he feared he was making the wrong decision, he nodded.

"Undress," Byakuya said.

Renji's determination faltered at this cold command. This was truly just a trial for Byakuya. An unpleasant necessity. How much of this could Renji's heart really bear?

With these doubts swirling in his mind, Renji obeyed. He felt incredibly self-conscious as his captain merely watched silently while Renji removed his shihakusho, sandals and socks, and finally his fundoshi as well. He untied his hair and let his bandana flutter to the ground beside the pile of clothes.

When he looked up again, Byakuya had ceased watching him and was opening a cabinet. He removed a futon and blanket and laid them out on the tatami in between Renji and himself. But from a higher shelf he also produced a jar that seemed to contain liquid. He set the liquid down beside the bed. Byakuya paused for a moment, observing this sight with some emotion Renji could not name. Moments later, the captain closed his eyes and seemed to gain some determination.

Byakuya drew back his captain's haori, slipping it off and tossing it onto the floor behind him. He untied his obi and tossed that away as well. He removed his sandals and socks, pushing them behind him one at a time with his feet. Even though he wobbled once or twice, every intentional movement was still the epitome of grace. He sloughed off his shihakusho, revealing his thinly muscled physique for Renji's view. Renji's lips parted watching the beauty gradually revealed, his heart feeling tightly squeezed. Byakuya hesitated for just a moment, then he removed his fundoshi, tossing the fluttering fabric behind him with the rest. He also carefully removed his hair piece and placed it on top of his clothes.

Finally, he cast a disapproving glance at Renji. "What are you doing, Renji? Come here."

Renji blushed, looking away.

"Captain…we should stop this," the words slipped from his mouth. His blush deepened as many parts of him instantly regretted these words, and he felt Byakuya's temper worsening with each passing second, but his honor compelled him to continue. "Captain Kuchiki…please."

Byakuya's eyes hardened. With his fully, naked glory, he approached Renji even as Renji reflexively took a step back in awe of his beauty. "You have failed to convince me that holding hands or a few kind words will be enough to rid you of your desires. But if you insist on being obstinate, here you are."

Byakuya held one hand out before him, palm facing up for Renji to take if he chose. His calm, dispassionate lilac eyes pierced through Renji's uncertainty. "Well?"

Under this direct pressure, at such close quarters and able to feel the heat from Captain Kuchiki's body without clothes between them, Renji crumbled. His fingers trembled and pain throbbed through the center of his chest. But his heart pounded with excitement and joy as he raised a hand and placed it gently atop his captain's. To further tighten the squeezing feeling on his heart, Byakuya's fingers wrapped themselves around Renji's hand with a gentle caress.

Renji gasped as he lost his breath. He loved him so much that even this soft touch was enough to break his heart and make it soar all at once. Byakuya was right to want to fix him, this love was dangerous. He let his head fall, his captain now standing so close that some strands of Renji's loose hair fell gently on Byakuya's bare shoulder. Byakuya watched him without surprise, seeming to have expected this reaction.

"As ever, your emotions are too strong for you yourself to control," Byakuya told him coldly. He lifted Renji's hand a little for him to see. Yet with a voice that seemed softer than usual, he chided, "You tremble at my touch, yet try to tell me this only is enough for you. You may be able to lie to yourself, Renji, but I know you. I won't forgive any more cowardice."

"Captain…" Renji whispered helplessly.

He sensed Captain Kuchiki also needed to gain courage for what he was about to do. Byakuya took in and let out a slow breath. At the end of it, he raised the fingers of his free hand to caress Renji's cheek. Renji gasped and looked up at him, surprised by his touch. Byakuya held Renji's gaze, still softly touching his cheek. With no visible hesitation, he pulled Renji down toward him by the back of his neck, trapping his lips in a kiss.

Renji could have happily died at that moment. If this were a dream, he wished he would never wake. Kuchiki Byakuya was really kissing him. And, it must be said, though it did add to the sense of realism, not particularly well. Renji always assumed that Byakuya would be good at everything, but no doubt his lack of personal interest was making him a very stiff and unwilling kisser. He pulled away moments later having done little but press his lips to Renji's, unmoving.

Even so, when their eyes met again, it lit a fire in every inch of Renji's body. His lips still tingled. He blushed and stared in amazement at his captain, who was currently looking away, frowning with a hint of red touching his cheeks. This tiny display of embarrassment, even if it was only that, was too much for Renji to stand anymore.

"Captain…" he murmured, and pulled Byakuya against him.

Byakuya made a muffled noise of surprise as Renji kissed him. As with both previous times that they had kissed, his body was stiff and unyielding in Renji's hands. But his lips reacted to Renji's attention. Slowly, they parted for him and Renji gently twined his tongue with Byakuya's. Byakuya tensed at that, drawing back. But Renji placed both hands around Byakuya's neck and jaw and pulled him close again. The proud captain twitched at the sensation of Renji's lips and tongue toying with his.

When their lips finally parted, both men were out of breath. Renji watched his captain in awe for some time, mesmerized by the softening of Byakuya's expression. "Captain, you taste like the inside of a sake bottle," Renji murmured absently.

Byakuya's eyebrow twitched. "If you don't like it, you're free not to do it."

"I do like it," Renji murmured, once again pressing a soft kiss to Byakuya's lips.

Renji was amazed and delighted that his captain didn't resist this kiss, and even seemed to sink into it. But Byakuya soon frowned once more, his gaze flicking down to the bed behind them. "So? Which would you rather do?" he asked bitterly.

"Mm?" Renji muttered blearily, still a little dazed from the excitement of kissing his captain.

Byakuya's unforgiving gaze flicked toward him. "I researched the issue before inviting you here. There are other ways of achieving pleasure between two men, but most commonly one prefers to enter and the other to be entered. Which were you imagining doing with me?"

Renji froze, feeling redness of shame creep over his entire head. He had not prepared to hear Kuchiki Byakuya say such blunt things. It filled him with a combination of intense self-disgust and excitement at the same time. He found it extremely difficult to muster a response.

"I don't…uh…"

"Do not mumble, Renji," Byakuya said stonily.

Renji swallowed. At length he managed to shake his head dismissively. "I…don't have a preference. So…whichever you prefer, Captain."

"Prefer?" Byakuya repeated with anger tightening his jaw.

"Easier for you!" Renji quickly amended. "Whichever would be easier for you. I'll do whatever you mind…less."

"Hm," Byakuya commented irritably.

"Oh but, before that," Renji managed to get the words out, even though his blush was returning in full force. "Captain…please bear with me for a moment."

Byakuya watched with uncertainty as Renji's hands first gently caressed his face, then began to move down the rest of his body. Renji's hands still trembled, knowing he was truly touching Kuchiki Byakuya's skin. It was a little rougher and colder than he expected, but even this new knowledge was exciting him. He also felt a shiver go up his spine as Byakuya's lips parted, his brows furrowing as Renji's fingers caressed his chest. Did he like that?

To test his theory, Renji delayed a little on his way down Byakuya's body and pressed a kiss just below Byakuya's collarbone. The proud captain's expression barely changed, but Renji felt some tension slipping away from Byakuya's muscles. He wrapped his arms around Byakuya's narrow waist, spreading his fingers out to feel every curve of the muscles of Byakuya's back, and pressed kisses progressively further down his body.

When Renji finally reached a kneeling position before his captain, he moved one of his hands back around to tease Byakuya's nipple. He saw with delight and amazement that as he did this, Byakuya's eyes briefly closed and a tiny shiver ran down his body. Renji's cock was suddenly so hard it hurt.

He finally turned his hungry gaze to Byakuya's manhood. He had imagined it looking similar, but it was even more exciting than he had imagined to see the straight black hair of Byakuya's nether regions contrasting his porcelain white thighs, stomach and of course his cock. Not that Renji cared about size, but it did give him a slight ego boost that his captain's was smaller than his own. It was a size that suited him, not large and vulgar like Renji's. Renji watched as he teased Byakuya's nipple again, and his cock twitched a little.

Renji experienced a moment of intense relief that anything he was doing was evoking a reaction from his captain, especially as drunk as he was. But he decided not to hope for much. He would take whatever Captain Kuchiki could give him. And one thing he could give was the knowledge of the taste of his cock.

With his mouth watering by now, Renji finally succumbed to his desire and pulled Byakuya's cock into his mouth by curving his tongue along the tip. He let the taste sink in, shivering and trying not to involuntarily thrust his hips, and slowly swallowed his Captain completely into his mouth and throat.

Byakuya wobbled a little where he stood, steadying himself by placing his hands on Renji's shoulders. Renji's cock ached as he heard Byakuya's breath become ragged. His cock quickly enlarged and filled Renji's throat, making him choke a little. But Renji only drew back to catch his breath, then swallowed him as deep as he could once again.

Renji tried to keep listening as he forced his captain's cock down his throat over and over. As expected, Byakuya was not making any particular noise, but his breath was uneven and labored. At one point his hand shifted from Renji's shoulder to his head. Renji shivered as Byakuya's fingers tightened in his hair, just as he had imagined.

Though Byakuya was not making any noise, Renji was aware he was moaning and gagging now and then on Captain Kuchiki's cock. He'd never been this excited in his life and it was making him go a little strange. He hadn't even touched himself yet but he felt close to cumming.

At one point, Byakuya seemed to grow impatient with Renji's mostly self-pleasuring movements. His fingers tightened in Renji's hair and he held his head still to thrust his cock a little faster inside his mouth. And that was all it took. Renji's eyes fluttered as blood rushed to his head and cock and a wave of sublime pleasure rushed over him. He cried out into Byakuya's cock as he came without any stimulation.

From Renji's reaction, Byakuya seemed to catch on to what had happened. He looked down at Renji, who was still dazed and twitching, Byakuya's cock still deep inside his mouth with saliva and precum dripping down his chin. Byakuya's eyebrow twitched in irritation as he saw that Renji had soiled his tatami mats.

Slowly, even though Renji had hoped he would use him to cum, Byakuya drew his cock from Renji's mouth. He tilted Renji's chin upward to view his no doubt lascivious expression with an unreadable one of his own. Renji wasn't sure what his reaction would be, but he hoped he had not spoiled the captain's mood with his salaciousness.

"Very well. If the choice is mine then I would prefer…not to do anything too dissimilar from what I know," Byakuya muttered, watching him. But he quickly glanced backward at the bed. "Lay down," he told Renji.

Though his knees were still weak, Renji moved over to the bed and lay down on his back as instructed. And now he realized what the liquid was for as Captain Kuchiki dipped several fingers in it, then pressed those fingers to Renji's hole. Renji gasped, immediately sitting up on his elbows.

"Captain!" he cried, panicked. "You don't have to sully yourself…I can do that…"

But Byakuya only responded with a brief glare of irritation before planting one hand on Renji's shoulder and pushing him back down on the futon. Renji felt his cock twitch back to life as he took in the dreamlike view before him. Kuchiki Byakuya, naked and holding Renji down in bed, sensuous hair dripping off his shoulders, his cheeks flushed and his cock still hard from Renji's attentions, and his fingers exploring the sensitive entrance of Renji's ass. Renji bit his lip and closed his eyes, knowing that cumming again with so little stimulation would lose more of his captain's respect.

He concentrated on the unbelievably exciting feeling of Byakuya's skillful fingers swirling around his entrance. He'd never thought Captain Kuchiki would do this for him, even if he had agreed to sleep with him. But suddenly, as he felt Byakuya's middle finger pressing a little harder into his hole, Renji thought back on Byakuya's words and felt a wave of self-consciousness. He was doing this because he didn't want to do anything different from what he knew. In that case…it couldn't be pleasant for him seeing Renji's cock twitching before him, his masculine face melting with pleasure. It was the least Renji could do to spare him that.

"Captain," he said quickly, before Byakuya's fingers entered him. "Uh…I've heard it's easier if I turn the other way."

Byakuya's eyebrows lifted a little. "You've heard? You don't know first hand?"

Renji shook his head, thinking back on his past experiences. "I've had sex before but only on top."

"So you would have preferred that after all?" Byakuya demanded, a muscle in his brow twitching in irritation at Renji's waffling.

But Renji shook his head, meeting Byakuya's eyes with sincerity. "Not at all. It's just you're the first person who's ever wanted to hold a big rough guy like me," Renji murmured, feeling himself blushing again. He felt Byakuya's gaze on him but was too embarrassed to meet it. At length he mumbled, "Anyway, I'll just turn this way."

Renji turned over onto his stomach and hesitantly got on his knees and elbows, presenting his ass before his captain. Byakuya let out a breath of mild annoyance. But then Renji felt one of Byakuya's hands rest on his ass, while the fingers of the other pressed against his entrance. Renji twitched and moaned, pulling the pillow into his arms for support.

Byakuya's finger slowly entered him. Renji had rarely played with his ass himself, so at first it was very tight and felt wrong. But thinking about where he was an what was happening made Renji's muscles relax and allowed Byakuya's finger deeper. He jolted as that finger brushed a spot right at the base of his cock. Just brushing it sent a warm sensation though Renji's crotch.

"The prostate," Byakuya murmured, apparently to himself. "It was written that stimulation there can be felt even more deeply than direct genital stimulation. Is that right?"

Renji struggled to understand what was being said to him as Byakuya's finger continued pressing against that bundle of nerves. Just a few strokes of his finger and already Renji felt precum leaking from his cock. He gripped his own hair in frustration as he tried to speak.

"I…don't…know…" he murmured.

Byakuya inserted a second finger. Renji bit his lip and shuddered, feeling a twinge of discomfort as his tight hole was stretched. Byakuya's fingers moved gently inside him a few times and the sensation of pain diminished. He was starting to get used to it when Byakuya's fingers struck his prostate again.

"Nnn!" Renji cried, his back arching. "Captain…" he panted, getting nervous about how Byakuya might react to his moaning. Every time his fingers brushed that spot, Renji felt his self-control weakening. It would be better to move on quickly. "It's…it's all right. You don't…have to worry about me. Please put it in."

"That would be inadvisable," Byakuya replied dryly, even as his fingers continued teasing Renji into a puddle of sensation. "At this point there is still a danger of injuring you. There is no reason to put my vice-captain out of commission, even temporarily, for something so trivial."

"It's not…trivial…" Renji panted, and instantly bit down on his own hand to stop from making lascivious sounds. This was bad. The longer this went on, the better it felt. At the very least, Byakuya would lose respect for someone so easily controlled by pleasure. At worst, it would turn him off enough to end this prematurely. Neither option was acceptable. Renji desperately held back his voice.

Byakuya inserted a third finger. Though once again it began with a twinge of pain that gave Renji a break from the pleasure overtaking him, his lower half was starting to feel hot and numb. In moments, Byakuya was thrusting three fingers smoothly inside Renji's hole, each time pressing hard against his prostate and causing him to bite deeper into the skin of his hand to stop from making noise.

Finally, Byakuya's fingers stopped. Renji panted, trying to restore his sanity. He expected Byakuya to remove his fingers and finally insert his cock, but the captain remained still for some time. "Captain?" Renji murmured in confusion, turning to look back at him.

Byakuya was frowning at him, in what seemed to be anger. But he wasn't looking at Renji's face. Now that Renji had turned his head, Byakuya could see his hand. The one Renji had been biting, and the one that now was starting to form a bruise from how hard he'd been doing it.

"Is it that painful?" Byakuya asked tonelessly, though in his eyes there was still anger.

Renji flushed deeply and turned away in shame. "No…"

"Do not lie to me, Renji. There is no point in doing this if it hurts you."

"It doesn't!" Renji cried. "Captain…please don't worry about that. I'm fine, so please continue." He looked back at Byakuya's unforgiving expression and realized he wasn't going to get by with just that. He hid his face in his hand and mumbled reluctantly, "You…you don't want to hear a grown man moaning."

Byakuya seemed to catch on to why Renji had needed to bite his hand. He considered for a moment before he said, "I do not care."

"Captain…!" Renji started to object.

But at that moment, Byakuya replaced his fingers with his cock. Renji gasped, eyes wide as he realized this was really happening. There was some discomfort as he was fully stretched to accommodate his captain, but instantly his mind and body were assaulted with waves of pleasure at the thought of Byakuya being inside him. Renji felt a moan rising up and brought his hand up to his mouth.

Before he could bite it, however, Byakuya's fingers grasped that hand. "Cap…tain…" Renji murmured in desperation. But Byakuya wove his fingers through Renji's over the top of his hand and held it down on the futon beside him. He did the same with Renji's other hand, so now he was pinning him down with nowhere to escape from the sensation. This knowledge in itself caused another wave of pleasure to run down Renji's spine. And at that unfortunate moment, Byakuya thrust deep inside him.

"Ah!" Renji cried, unable to hold back.

Byakuya shifted his hips once inside, pressing even more firmly against Renji's prostate. Renji couldn't take it and buried his head in the pillow. Byakuya seemed to pause once again, observing this.

"Renji," he said firmly.

Renji was breathing in gasps, hiding his face behind his hair and the pillow. He was too distracted by the warmth inside him and his closeness to orgasm to pay much attention to what Byakuya was saying, but he tried.

"When we came in here, I sealed a kidō barrier around this room. No one else in this house will hear anything that happens for the next few hours. There is no need to hold back."

Even though Byakuya was not currently moving, Renji still had to fight not to make unbecoming noises as he struggled to reply. "It will…disgust you…" he murmured, but instantly hid his face again in shame.

Byakuya did not reply at first. After a soft, rueful breath, he shifted his hips to draw his cock out a little. Renji gasped. But Byakuya paused here and said, "Do not underestimate your captain."

For the first time, Byakuya thrust forcefully inside him. Renji saw stars. For a moment he was so overcome with pleasure that no sound escaped him. Then Byakuya's hips slammed against his again, and again, and Renji was powerless to fight the onslaught of pleasure.

Renji couldn't keep the pleasure from his face and voice as he came once again, unconsciously clamping down on Byakuya's cock as his whole body tensed. Byakuya panted, resting for a moment with both hands still pinning Renji's hands down into the bed. Renji had a brief fear that Byakuya would end this here, now that he had cum again. Indeed, to his dread, Byakuya slowly drew his cock out.

Renji turned in panic to ask him to continue, but to his surprise, he felt cold fingers run along his chin and neck, drawing his hair away to reveal his face. Byakuya knelt over him with his usual expressionless face, though Renji thought – and maybe this was the alcohol – that his large, lilac eyes looked gentler than usual.

"Turn this way," Byakuya murmured.

Renji took in a sharp breath, consumed with fear of how crushing it would be if Byakuya saw his face, muscular chest and twitching cock and became disgusted. He quickly turned away. "No," he mumbled against the pillow.

He felt the annoyance rising in his captain's voice when he spoke again. "Why not?"

"Because you're not gay, Captain," Renji muttered, feeling a stab of pain at his own words. "Even if you were…I'm sure I'm not your type," he added almost inaudibly.

Byakuya contemplated his response to that, seeming surprised by Renji's reasoning. "You imagine you look like a woman from the back?"

After an instant of pain at how far he must be from his captain's ideal, Renji had to fight an urge to laugh. "Uh…no," he had to admit. "I guess not."

"I can confirm it," Byakuya told him, deadpan, at which Renji really had to try hard not to laugh. "In which case, you can save that argument for before you have sex with someone next time," the captain concluded.

Saying this, he pull Renji by his shoulder to flip him onto his back. Without hesitation at seeing Renji's disheveled, manly appearance, he grasped Renji's hips and pulled them toward his own, sliding his cock inside with little resistance now.

"Ah…" Renji cried, instinctively pushing back against Byakuya's chest with both hands. Byakuya's only response to this was to briefly raise one eyebrow in annoyance, and then thrust deeply inside Renji. "Ahhh!" Renji moaned, throwing his head back.

"I see no problem. Do you?" Byakuya asked, then thrust inside him again.

"Ah!" Renji moaned, trying to control his rapid breath as he met his Captain's gaze and his heart pounded with relief and love for him. "Captain…" he murmured helplessly, before Byakuya drove him to moaning indiscriminately as pleasure overwhelmed him.

But even as his body was ravaged by sensation, Renji made sure to observe as much as he could of Captain Kuchiki. His cold, white skin growing pink in places with increased blood flow, and a soft sheen of damp from sweat. Renji didn't need long to decide he loved the smell of Byakuya's sweat.

When he wasn't drowning in pleasure, he watched muscles of Byakuya's stomach, chest and arms rippling with each thrust. His long, dexterous fingers tightening so hard into Renji's thighs they made dimples over his tattoos. Byakuya's beautiful hair falling over parts of his face and neck. His cold eyes unperturbed by Renji's appearance, and his pink lips parted to allow soft gasps.

This was already more exciting than Renji had ever imagined. For one thing, despite what he had said, he more frequently pictured Byakuya being on the bottom. He fantasized about it because he wanted to see expressions of lust and pleasure in his captain's face, and he assumed that only being fucked would provoke those things. But even if there wasn't clear lust, there was no way Byakuya was panting and moving his hips like that without feeling good.

"Cap…tain…!" Renji cried, and as he did, Byakuya's cock struck his prostate just right several times in a row. Renji lost all remaining control he had, grasping Byakuya around his back and desperately pressing his forehead to his captain's shoulder as yet another orgasm hit him.

Byakuya briefly slowed in his thrusting to allow Renji a moment to come down from that peak of sensation. But moments later, he shifted Renji's hips for a better position and – in a motion that filled Renji's heart with bittersweet joy – grasped Renji tightly in his arms and let out a ragged gasp as he came too.

Renji's breath caught, his fingers tightening against his Captain's skin. Byakuya's back and stomach muscles rippled as he came, this feral sight alone enough to bring Renji's cock back to life. Even as tears fell down his cheeks, Renji held Byakuya tight to him as he shuddered, panting though a long climax as his cock twitched inside Renji. Even though profound loneliness struck Renji upon the realization that it was over, for that moment, he was filled with warmth and happiness.

But then his senses returned to him. He quickly stopped holding Byakuya, worried it would make him uncomfortable. Soon, Byakuya sighed a little and extricated himself from Renji. He looked down at Renji's face with a troubled expression for a moment, but seconds later merely lay down beside him without a word.

Renji suddenly felt very cold, even though moments ago he had felt hot. He bit his lip, turning away. Was that it? Would Captain Kuchiki ask him to leave? Would this be his last moment being allowed to love him?

In his fear of being forced to give up his own love, Renji never stopped to wonder whether his were the only feelings at stake. And he utterly failed to guess the real reason Byakuya found it necessary to be drunk to do this with him. As well as the fact that he had been the subject of Byakuya's gaze for several minutes now. But contrary to Renji's expectations, that night was far from over.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The night had fallen. The chattering bustle of Soul Society gradually slowed to a murmur, though even that was barely detectable deep among Byakuya's vast gardens. As the two men lay side by side in Byakuya's futon, Renji stared up at the ceiling. He noticed it had intricately carved eaves that were so subtle as to be barely even noticeable – as if nobility and artistry were to Byakuya as natural and trivial as breath. Any moment as they lay in this stiff stillness together, Renji expected Byakuya's cold voice to echo in his ear, telling him to leave and forget this ever happened.

Renji's lower half throbbed. It was not all bad, but as the euphoria of sex faded, the sensation of pain increased. That was all that would be left, he realized. Once the hope of ever being accepted faded, once the reality of his rejection sank in, this was what would be left. A dull ache and a sense of worthlessness. He'd been a fool ever to allow this love to grow.

But then Renji had a moment of shock. He felt cold, dexterous fingers pull his hair from his face. He gasped to realized that Byakuya had been watching him for some time, propped up on one elbow with his usual emotionless expression. But Renji almost thought he saw affection in the softness of Byakuya's gaze then, but he must have imagined it.

"Are you satisfied now?" Byakuya asked him softly.

Renji swallowed, his chest tightening. "You want me to leave?"

Byakuya closed his eyes as if frustrated by that reply and let out a long breath. He turned over onto his side away from Renji. With his back to him, he continued, "I do not care. The promise was 'until morning,' so you are free to stay until then if you wish."

So that was it. Byakuya was done with him. But if he could stay until morning, then he could keep this feeling just a little longer. Renji pushed himself up and straddled Byakuya, planting his hands on either side of his head on the mattress. Byakuya cocked an eyebrow at this disrespectful posture.

"Then I'm not satisfied yet," Renji said.

The only change in Byakuya's expression was a soft parting of his lips. "I see," he said, and cast his gaze away.

Renji bit back a bitter moment of pain at Byakuya's indifference toward him. It was a long shot, but…maybe. Maybe he could change that. Maybe he could make his captain think of him, just a little. Maybe deeper feelings might develop with time. The truth was…even at his best moments, Renji had never really believed that. He didn't believe it now any more than he ever had. He kept telling himself that for this moment, though, swearing he would regret not trying.

"Captain," he said, when Byakuya met his gaze again. "Can I kiss you?"

Byakuya raised an eyebrow. "You've done that already. Several times."

Renji brushed Byakuya's hair from his face as his captain had done for him. Softly he murmured, "I want to hear you say it's all right." Byakuya still seemed dubious at this, so Renji continued, "The first time you pushed me away. The second time…I still wasn't sure you didn't hate it. You're not the most enthusiastic even when you initiate it. Please, Captain. If you don't want me to, I won't."

Renji was surprised to see anger rising Byakuya's eyes as he glared up at him. The nobleman flicked his gaze quickly aside to avoid the anger being perceived. "That would defeat the purpose of what we're doing. I gave you a broad permission to do what you like when we came in here. What difference does specific permission make?"

Renji genuinely didn't understand his captain's reasoning. "Not wanting to hurt someone you love, or make them unhappy," Renji replied, frustrated. "You don't know that feeling?"

Byakuya refused to meet his gaze, his eyes cast far away and small furrows of concern between his brows.

"May I kiss you?" Renji pressed.

Still without meeting his gaze, Byakuya muttered softly, "If you cease asking, you can do whatever you like."

Renji sighed, resting his head in the curve of his captain's neck. Against the cool, porcelain skin he murmured, "Don't say that, Captain. This one night, let me pretend you're mine. And I'm yours. This…is nothing to do with you, but in my fantasy…just a fantasy…I care for you as a lover should, and never hurt you. Please let me pretend just for a little longer…that you could share my feelings."

As he thought he heard a gasp escape Byakuya's lips, he gathered his captain's slightly narrower chest in his arms. He briefly met Byakuya's gaze searchingly, but only saw hesitation. He lost his resolve briefly in a moment of despair, then succumbed to his desire and stole a kiss from the man he loved.

As before, Byakuya recoiled millimeterically from Renji's kiss. It hurt Renji to know that no matter how much he said he approved, Byakuya still didn't like this. This was wrong. Renji was weak and a fool to have agreed to this. If it hurt this much now, how would it feel when morning came, and Renji really had to let go forever? But all the more so, if they'd come this far then Renji should take what was offered and leave no regrets.

"All right…" Renji said, guilt bringing a brief wave of nausea. "I'll be quick. I'm sorry, Captain. I…love you." Renji immediately regretted saying that. Did he mean it to be an excuse? There was no excuse for touching someone who didn't want to be touched. He tried to tell himself he was just being honest, saying how he felt, but in these circumstances professing love was tantamount to manipulating Byakuya into not fighting him. He felt like scum. Should he stop?

Wavering between the two extremes of guilt and fear of loss, Renji had coated his fingers in the liquid Byakuya provided. He pressed his slick fingers against Byakuya's hole.

"Nh!" Byakuya cried in shock.

Renji's heart ached at how obviously uncomfortable, maybe even scared, Byakuya was. In sadness he couldn't hide anymore, Renji let his head rest against his captain's chest as he grimaced in pain. Could he really go through with this? Even if his lips were saying yes, Byakuya didn't want this. But now that he knew Renji did, his honor would prevent him from breaking his promise. He would order Renji to continue even if he wanted to stop.

Renji bit back a sob. Maybe it was best for both of them to get it over with.

He slipped one finger inside Byakuya's hole. His captain stiffened and a strained noise escaped him. Renji closed his eyes tight, pretending not to hear. In desperation and not knowing why himself, he reached over to hold his captain's hand with his own free one. He felt like scum and needed to reassure Byakuya that he wouldn't hurt him. And to reassure himself that he could still love him for another few hours.

To his relief, whether from discomfort or maybe even relying upon him, Byakuya's fingers tightened into his hand. Even if it was unintentional, that was probably the kindest gesture Byakuya had ever given to Renji, and it felt for an instant like this play lovers game was real.

He noticed Byakuya was even getting hard again, though Renji hadn't touched his front yet. The nobleman gasped and twitched. Could it be, he didn't hate this as much as he had seemed to earlier? Renji hesitantly looked up to see if indeed Byakuya were really enjoying this.

But that was the moment when Renji's resolve, and his heart, shattered into dust. Though Byakuya's cheeks were flushed pink with passion, his breathing labored and his stomach muscles tensing with the movements of Renji's fingers, his eyes were wide. Torture furrowed between his brows. And though a slim trail of saliva from kissing had streaked down the corner of his mouth, his eyes were growing red and moist.

Already, Renji realized with grim certainty, he had done something that could never be forgiven. Renji stopped moving. It felt as if his whole perception slowed. He looked away from Byakuya, momentarily paralyzed about what he should do. But there was only one thing to do.

Very slowly, so as not to surprise him, Renji drew his fingers from Byakuya's hole. Byakuya's eyes closed tightly in uncomfortable anticipation. He was expecting Renji to insert his cock. Renji's heart broke that he had made the one he loved so unhappy and afraid. He felt like a monster.

He should leave. He told himself that, but then his captain's promise about tonight being his last night with his love made his resolve waver again. One after another, hot tears dripped down Renji's cheeks and onto Byakuya's chest. Renji wasn't looking – in truth he couldn't see very well – but he felt Byakuya's shocked gaze turn on him.

"I'm sorry…" he whispered, barely loud enough to hear his own voice. "I'm sorry, Captain Kuchiki…I'm sorry."

Renji briefly tried one last time to force himself to leave. But as much as his guilt and self-hatred deepened with every moment, he could not leave his captain. Slowly, he shifted onto his side. He wrapped his arms around Byakuya from behind and pressed his forehead softly against Byakuya's back.

Remember, he told himself, trying to stop crying. Remember this moment. Everything about it. His heat, his heartbeat, the sound of his breath, his smell. The temperature of the air, the quietness of his mansion, the beauty of everything that he surrounds himself with. The way he gave you what you wanted.

The way you hurt him. The way he hated it. Don't forget a single thing. And after this night, don't ever think of Kuchiki Byakuya again. Renji fell asleep that night plagued by dreams of turning into a hollow, and being cut down by Senbonzakura, his last vision of Kuchiki Byakuya's cold eyes looking down on him without emotion.

…

But at the moment, and until morning, Byakuya's eyes were bloodshot and troubled. Byakuya could not sleep. Every time he tried to relax, his mind echoed Renji's half sobbing, "I'm sorry." He felt lost. He couldn't find his way back down the line of logic that had gotten him here, lying in a crying Renji's arms. He still had no idea what Renji had gone through when he wanted to switch. Why he would initiate it and then end up crying. To Byakuya, none of that made any sense.

His malaise made him rise a little later than usual that morning. He wasn't even thinking about being late for work as the sun slowly continued to rise and fill the room with cold morning light. The servants knew better than to disturb him, but obviously one or two were worried enough to talk to someone who didn't know any better.

"Nii-sama?"

Byakuya's peace of mind utterly shattered at the sound of his sister's voice just behind the door. He snapped up, regretting it as a headache from drinking too much before meeting Renji caused him to hunch over his knee with his fingers pressed to his forehead. He glanced down at Renji, who was still asleep with a deep frown and red eyes, one arm stretched out where Byakuya had been lying. He began to stir at the sensation of cold from Byakuya's absence. It was a surprisingly peaceful and pleasant moment, though Byakuya immediately pushed it away as irrelevant.

"What is it?" Byakuya said to Rukia, at just audible volume to avoid waking Renji.

"Oh…nothing," came Rukia's voice, hesitant behind the door. "I just wanted to make sure you were all right. No one had seen you since dinner last night, and so…"

"Anything else?" Byakuya harshly pressed.

"No…"

"Very well," he said, closing his eyes tiredly. "You may leave."

A moment's pause. "Nii-sama?"

"Yes?"

"I think I…" There was a lengthy pause as she faltered, perhaps regretting her instinct to tell him what she suspected. Instead she asked more firmly, "May I come in?"

"Absolutely not," Byakuya snapped. "Attend to your duties, Rukia."

But at that moment, the worst possible twist of fate. "Mh…Captain…" Renji murmured blearily, pushing himself up to his elbows. Byakuya froze. He even heard Rukia intake a sharp breath. It hadn't been loud. But the only obstacle separating most of these rooms was paper. There was no doubt Rukia had heard.

Fear flooded Byakuya's throat. He glared down at Renji, silently promising harsh retribution if he spoke again. But Renji was still rubbing the sleep from his eyes as Rukia's shock was hitting her.

"Renji…?" she cried from outside the door. "Nii-sama, forgive me," she said, and slid the door open.

Byakuya sat absolutely still where he was, facing the garden. He didn't even look at Rukia. There was no point. There were no words that could explain this betrayal against the entire family, her included.

From his current angle of view, he could see Renji's face. He watched the sleepiness shift in an instant to horror in Renji's eyes.

"Ru…kia…" her name formed on his lips

How foolish, Byakuya thought. If he was going to regret it, he shouldn't have fallen in love with Byakuya in the first place.

"Nii…sama…?" Rukia whispered in anguish, her voice trembling.

Byakuya sighed. He surrounded himself with emotional, unreliable people. And somehow they always seemed to get hurt around him.

"Leave, Rukia," Byakuya told her coldly. "We will discuss this later."

Rukia seemed not to have heard him for a moment, she and Renji staring at one another with a tangible air of something breaking between them. Then she took off away at a run. Renji watched after her for many long, horrible seconds afterward. Finally his head lowered into his hands in utter defeat.

Somehow, Byakuya realized, this was his fault. But at the time, he considered the issue finished. Rukia had probably felt betrayed and Renji wracked with guilt, but what could Byakuya do about that? He fully expected things to be normal in a day or two.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Three days after that terrible morning, while on his way to the 10th division to get some forms that Captain Kuchiki had requested from Captain Hitsugaya, Renji spotted Rukia in the distance. He realized she had already seen him. He picked up his pace to futilely go after her before her tiny figure vanished from view around a stone wall. She had been reacting to him this way ever since the morning when she saw her brother in bed with a man. Renji. Would it always be like this between them now? Had he already lost his love and now his best friend too?

Part of him felt just a small glimmer of anger at Byakuya. It was he who had orchestrated all this. But that part of him was utterly crushed by the weight of his own guilt and regret. That night was now just a memory. As Renji had suspected, all that was left now was pain and a deep, hollow feeling in his chest. Maybe that dream he'd had had been prophetic.

If he ever did become a hollow, Byakuya would not hesitate to kill him. Renji didn't need to be a mind-reader to know that. What killed him was the idea that now, maybe even Rukia wouldn't cry over him. To Renji, Rukia was the closest thing to family he ever had, or ever would. Now she wouldn't even speak to him.

"Abarai-kun…"

Renji turned at the sound of Kira Izuru's soft, somehow implicitly self-effacing voice. As usual, Kira looked tired. But also in the darkness under his eyes, and tension in his brows, there seemed to be a deep and unspoken fear.

"Oh, Kira," he said, trying to reset from his dark thoughts. He offered a teasing smile. "How's your new captain?"

Kira's expression darkened even further than usual. "Captain Otoribashi is…different."

"So I hear."

"He's very…sensitive. Which isn't bad, but I wish he wouldn't complain about the aesthetics of the office so much…or compose music about me…" Kira muttered bitterly. "Abarai…" Kira seemed to struggle with what he really wanted to say. Eventually he managed a hesitant smile. "It's been a while. Would you like to get a drink together this evening?"

Pleased that Kira wanted to reconnect, Renji agreed to meet him after work. That night, as Renji and Kira sat together at their usual bar, though Renji did get the impression that Kira was trying to say something, he seemed unable to force himself to do it. Small talk petered away into silence between them, as each became more involved looking at their drinks than each other. Renji's sadness still clung to him, and he decided if Kira wasn't going to bring up whatever was bothering him, he'd let it out.

"I told Captain Kuchiki how I feel about him," Renji said simply, taking a sip of beer and looking straight ahead.

Kira's brow rose slightly as he glanced at Renji, but not to the point of surprise. "That was brave of you," he answered simply.

Renji felt a stab of self-hatred at that, and not just at the touch of disdain for his foolishness that he had sensed in Kira's voice just now. It hadn't felt brave. Each confession to his captain, about his sexuality, the fact that he was in love and the object of that love, had felt forced. He told himself he knew his place. He'd never expected anything from Captain Kuchiki. But to put it another way, that simply meant he hadn't been brave enough to try.

After a stiff silence between them, Kira asked, "Should I ask how that went?"

"He let me sleep with him."

Kira choked on the unfortunately timed sip of beer he'd just taken. He stared wide-eyed at the bar before turning that befuddled expression on Renji. His mouth opened but no sound came out. As Renji glanced at him suspiciously, and after their history of Kira unintentionally saying homophobic things to him, Kira politely closed his mouth. He turned a difficult gaze back on the bar to produce an appropriate response.

"Oh," was all he came up with.

Renji sighed, absently pushing his glass on the table. "He did it on the condition that I give him up. So…that was quick. Now it's all over, everything's back to normal. Oh. Except that Rukia knows," Renji murmured, saying out loud making his despair truly seem real.

Kira turned a concerned frown toward him, but again clearly didn't know what he should say. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Thanks." Renji nodded in deference before taking another drink. Honestly, he thought, that might be all he could expect from Kira.

"What was he thinking? Captain Kuchiki," Kira muttered under his breath.

Renji simply shook his head. "I never know. But I think maybe this is his kindness."

Kira didn't seem as easily convinced as Renji of Byakuya's good intentions. He watched Renji dubiously for a time before turning his gaze back to his own beer. He seemed to be concentrating hard before a biting response came, "A man that heartless is loved by the Gotei 13."

Renji didn't want to assume what Kira meant by that. "Meaning what?" he asked in a neutral tone.

Kira's dark and penetrating gaze was fixed with an incongruously blank expression on his beer glass. In a deceptively soft tone, he murmured, "Commander Yamamoto accepted me back into the Gotei 13, even though I raised a sword to Hinamori-kun and Rangiku-san. I helped Captain Ichimaru and I betrayed my friends and my duty."

Renji felt his muscles stiffening as he looked away, deeply uncomfortable with this topic.

Kira's chin lifted just a little, but his expression remained almost unsettlingly blank. "I chose to do those things," Kira went on, softly. "But to everyone here, it's Captain Ichimaru who's considered a traitor."

"Not to everyone," Renji muttered, thinking with regret about what had become of former Captain Ichimaru for his scheming and devotion to Rangiku-san. "Those who know what happened don't think of former Captain Ichimaru that way."

Kira's eyes flicked toward him, and not for the first time, Renji desperately wished some emotion would peek through the deceptive nothingness he saw there. "Captain Kuchiki, Captain Kurotsuchi, and Captain Zaraki, would kill anyone who crossed them. Fellow Shinigami or otherwise. But they are loved. Because they follow orders over compassion. This place…this thing around us…it's cruel. It has no meaning. No justice."

"It's cruel," Renji agreed, though mostly addressing his beer glass. "I won't argue that Captain Kuchiki…and especially Zaraki and Kurotsuchi, aren't cruel. But Captain Kuchiki is not unjust. Not ever." He turned an unforgiving, sidelong gaze on Kira. "You can say what you want about him, if it's true. But I won't forgive anyone who dishonors him with lies."

Kira visibly retreated under Renji's gaze. His sad eyes turned back to the bar as if to gather himself. "Captain Kuchiki is lucky."

"Yeah right," Renji muttered, taking a sip. "How would you feel to be lusted after by me?"

"Not well."

"There you go."

Kira frowned hard at him, his earlier meekness fading to incredulity. "Hmph."

"What?"

"You're saying you plan to follow that promise, like a good dog? You can just turn it off like that?" Renji's jaw tightened and he refused to answer. Kira sighed. "I'm sure I'm not the first person to criticize your naivete, Abarai, but honestly in this case I think you're both living in a fantasy."

"Shut up," Renji muttered, harsher than he intended. Modulating his tone, he continued, "Even I hadn't promised…if you'd seen Rukia's face…" Renji shook his head to banish swirling thoughts. "It's over."

Kira watched Renji with a troubled gaze. At length, he sighed again. "Hmph."

"Damn it, what?!" Renji demanded.

Kira took in a contemplative breath. "Can I tell you why I think we've been friends for so long? It's because you have something I lack, Abarai."

"And what's that?"

With his eyes cast down, in what Renji could only read as suppressed shame, Kira said quietly, "Trust."

That hit Renji hard. In reality, the hardest part about giving up his feelings for Captain Kuchiki was the fact that they had become all twisted up in his pure feelings of admiration, loyalty and trust toward his superior and the person he admired most in the world. And while he felt guilty for loving him in the first place, giving that up felt like betraying him. Just thinking of that made Renji feel cold and empty.

"You've seen me do some terrible, unforgivable things. Not because I trusted Captain Ichimaru, but because I respected his power and position. I've seen you disobey orders or slack off before, but the reason I stay devoted to my friend Abarai is that I have never seen you betray trust that you have earned." Renji closed his eyes, his fist reflexively tightening on the table. "Are you telling me you betrayed Captain Kuchiki's trust for feelings that could be cast aside as easily as you say?"

Renji felt sick. His devotion to Byakuya was twisting him in knots, the harder he tried to abandon it. And Kira's words had made him realize why. The more he tried to throw him away, the more he proved his devotion. He slumped forward, hiding his face in his arms.

In a muffled voice that he barely heard himself, Renji murmured, "I promised."

Both men failed to notice as, from a table on the opposite corner to them, a small flash of black darted out of the izakaya.

…

Not knowing what else to do after what she had just overheard, Rukia rushed out of the bar, where a few members of the Shinigami Women's Association had been celebrating a successful issue of their monthly magazine. She'd panicked when she noticed Renji come in. She still wasn't ready to face him yet. She hadn't even tried to work out why she felt she had to run from him, she just wanted to pretend she had never seen that scene between him and her brother.

She shuddered as she walked down the still-light street back toward home. It was spring so the days were getting longer, but still chilly in the early evening. It was a powerful sadness that she felt, mostly, about what she had seen. But clearly some jealousy as well. Whether the one she was jealous of was Renji or Byakuya, she didn't want to think about it. It was all too twisted.

But two things she had learned from Renji's conversation with Kira just now. Firstly, that apparently whatever was between them was short-lived and over now. And secondly, that Renji's love was real. But of course it was. She knew what kind of man he was. For doubting him, she shared in his crime of betrayal.

She hesitated as she entered her own home, sensing from his reiatsu that Byakuya Nii-sama was home. But she reminded herself it was silly to avoid her brother. From Renji's conversation, Byakuya was clearly the victim. And he was dealing with the situation in the most efficient way. Wasn't he? But no, she thought, after a flicker of unease. Best not think about that either. She entered the mansion and followed Byakuya's reiatsu out into the garden, fighting her anxiety on the way.

There she found several other members of the Kuchiki family and the heads of the Kadenokōji – another of the four noble families and the one physically closest to the Kuchiki residence – seated on a thick, rich blanket, laid out with matcha in exquisite chawan, her brother's chabako, and a myriad of colorful, intricately made wagashi. Upon taking another step toward the open doorway, and seeing a few petals fluttering down in her view, she realized why. The plum trees had started to bloom.

Given Byakuya's obvious preference for cherry blossoms, the plums were not in a prominent part of the garden. In fact, Rukia had heard him complain that their green leaves after the blossoms had fallen ruined the aesthetic of the cherries, which usually bloomed just as the plums ended. He downright refused to allow a single hibai ume, the popular and startling red variety, onto the grounds. The trees that they did have, tucked away here in a corner of the garden near an artful stone pile and a quaint pond, were bungo ume. The soft, almost undetectable pink of the tips of the flowers, which looked white at a distance, was offset by the drops of pinkish orange toward the delicate, ornamental stamens.

And when Rukia stepped out onto the walkway over the garden, the tops of the trees burst out like a vibrant painting over the rich green of the moss. It was impossible not to be moved by it, even if she felt so unsure about her personal life.

She realized a few of the party had spotted her, and quickly bowed. "I have returned, Onii-sama."

Byakuya's cool gaze flicked her way. Without pause, it returned to the tea he was drinking. "Feel free to join us, Rukia."

Rukia hesitated, eyeing the Kadenokōji and wary of embarrassing herself in front of such important people, but she was happy to spend this kind of time with her brother. And the beauty of the trees was too good to be missed. "Thank you very much, Byakuya Nii-sama."

She took a seat beside Byakuya, who began preparing her tea. Rukia watched in admiration the practiced motions of his temae, each subtle movement purposeful and meditative. Truth be told, this kind of art – which, unlike other traditional arts, required humility above all else – was not Byakuya's strong suit. Even so, hundreds of years of practice had made every movement perfect. She was so caught up watching his graceful hands moving along the beautiful wooden tools that it was only as he finished that she glanced at his face.

She blinked, thinking for a moment that she was seeing things. But as he leaned nearer to push her cup toward her, she was sure she saw a hint of uncertainty in his calm, lilac eyes. Her heart thumped uncomfortably. Was he thinking about Renji?

The party continued with light conversation until the thing that Rukia always dreaded about gatherings with other noble families; eventually, someone would be called upon to entertain. Usually that was the head of either family, but not always. Entertainments for the nobility could be anything from ikebana to dance or koto performances, but usually meant spontaneous poetry. A thing that even saying the word made Rukia cringe.

There were a myriad of ways to make a mistake – using a word typically associated with the incorrect third of the season for example – and even following the rules might produce a work that was deemed tacky. If the person called upon was lucky, it would only be one poem. But in the worst case it might come to renga, the style of collaborative poetry in a 5-7-5-7-7 syllable format, in which each stanza must build upon the concepts of another. On top of which, Rukia had no aesthetic sense about words whatsoever. It was like a nightmare. She enjoyed hearing her brother recite, but suspected that was more her appreciation of Byakuya's own aesthetic than the words he chose.

Eventually someone noticed that even though it was not fully dark yet, a pale moon had appeared in the evening sky. It was so beautiful against the plum blossoms, it made one forget about the chill of the early spring air.

"Captain Kuchiki," said the mistress of the Kadenokōji, a refined but gentle-seeming older woman. "Might you compose for us? Something to capture the atmosphere?"

Rukia recoiled, though instantly grateful that it was Byakuya who had been called upon. Byakuya didn't answer immediately. That didn't surprise Rukia; he frequently allowed questions to hang in the air, and he might have been already composing. But with one glance at his expression, she knew that was not the case.

Byakuya's lips were parted and his eyes cast down at the blanket beneath them. He seemed to be searching for something inside himself, but it wasn't poetry. He glanced up at the blossoms and the moon behind them as if he were alone, still saying nothing. Rukia began to grow stiff where she sat. In truth, this was already a minor disaster. The inability to produce poetry of at least some originality and without too much delay for a social occasion was unacceptable in a noble, much less the head of a family. It was a shame that would be remembered and talked about, altering Byakuya's reputation. Should Rukia do something? But what? Anything she could manage would only embarrass him more.

"Would you accept," Byakuya said, just as the silence had begun to grow noticeably awkward, "something by hand instead?"

The Kadenokōji lady blinked, entrapped by Byakuya's eyes and – like everyone else – already enthralled by his soft, careful voice. A subtle pinkness came to her cheeks. "Certainly," she said, averting her gaze.

Byakuya called for paper and ink to be brought. Rukia breathed a sigh of relief. She much preferred this to poetry anyway. Shodō produced something visual to appreciate, and it was a treat to watch Byakuya write. Once he had prepared his ink and brush, and just as the light was finally starting to fade, he wrote the most famous poem of Ariwara no Narihira.

月やあらぬ Is that not the moon?

春や昔の And is the spring not the spring

春ならぬ Of times long past?

わが身一つは This body of mine alone

もとの身にして Remains as ever unchanged

Despite the beauty, and the perfection of the choice for the occasion, Rukia felt deep unease on seeing this. Byakuya was good at everything, so of course he was able to compose poetry and write calligraphy. But even if he had another reason for not being able to compose today, she had never seen so much sadness in his brushstrokes before. Her suspicion was confirmed as Byakuya presented his work to the Kadenokōji for appraisal.

"Very nice," the head proclaimed at first, looking over the piece with genuine awe beneath his graying eyebrows. "Mm. The strokes are alive. And Narihira is a perfect choice."

The lady echoed the sentiment but soon frowned on observing it. "As ever, Captain Kuchiki…you do capture the fleeting emotion so beautifully…yet even more than your last poem I recall, this work makes me sad."

Rukia could tell, from the subtle narrowing of Byakuya's eyes, that the remark injured his pride. "My apologies," he said.

"Not at all! Isn't their ephemerality what makes the blossoms so beautiful?" the lady said kindly. "Sadness is a necessary part of beauty. It's perfectly lovely."

But clearly this served to little relieve Byakuya's shame at not having performed as he thought he should. He remained in an oddly silent and thoughtful mood for the rest of the evening, even after their guests went home. Finally, as they entered the mansion again, Rukia was about to talk to him when their uncle, Kuchiki Seijō, approached him first.

She could not hear what was said over even the soft sound of the stream behind her, with both men being so quiet and restrained, but she felt a stab of pain as she saw Byakuya's face when he turned away. What could Seijō Oji-sama have said to him to provoke that expression? Whatever it was, the older man seemed satisfied by Byakuya's reaction and turned away to return to his duties. Byakuya still hadn't noticed her watching him. His face was momentarily childlike, unguarded, and filled with some emotion similar to remorse. She tried to think if she had ever seen him like that before.

"Nii-sama," Rukia said quickly, feeling like she had intruded on something she shouldn't.

Byakuya glanced up at her without emotion, whatever that moment had been now clearly ended. "What is it?" he murmured.

"Is…is something upsetting you?" Rukia asked hesitantly.

She saw anger flicker in the depths of his lilac eyes. "What makes you say that?"

Well that wasn't good, she chided herself. Injuring his pride more was hardly the way to go about making him feel better. And she did want to make him feel better. However much it might hurt her to admit, if being parted from Renji were the cause of his sadness, she would much rather swallow her pride and heal Byakuya's heart.

With that thought, her anxiety about how to relate to her brother after what happened began to melt away. It was so simple. All she had to do was trust him and wish him happiness. If it were jealousy that was making her sad, that was even more foolish. Nothing would change the fact that Byakuya was her caring brother. And him being intimate with Renji wouldn't change Renji's friendship with her. Had she really been wishing for the unhappiness of the two people in the world most important to her?

"Is it Renji?"

There was no movement over Byakuya's face. She could tell that meant he was offended and was too proud to show it. She struggled to endure the long silence that followed. At length, Byakuya turned his gaze away, raising his chin slightly.

"Remember where you are, Rukia," he said in a hard tone, his profile perfectly framed against the high carved eaves of the Kuchiki mansion. "Do not speak of that here."

Rukia struggled against her desire not to be hated by him, but most of all, still couldn't bear to see him unhappy. "I think he loves you. Very much," she murmured.

Byakuya barely moved.

"Do you love him?"

"Silence," Byakuya said firmly, still barely moving a muscle.

Rukia's jaw tightened. She felt her eyes stinging at the thought of disobeying him. She persevered one last time, "If you do, then I think you should talk to him."

"For what possible reason?" Byakuya answered after a miniscule pause. Rukia's heart pounded. He hadn't denied it. Wouldn't he, even if it were true and his intention was to let the issue lie? He must be dissatisfied but unable to act. "Do not make me repeat myself. That issue has ended, forever."

Rukia watched her repressed brother with pity. "With respect, I think that's naive," she said softly. She felt a flash of anger from him, but forced herself to continue. "I don't know about you, Nii-sama…but I think he'll love you until he dies." She saw a muscle shift in Byakuya's jaw, but his body remained frozen where it was. "At this rate you'll both be unhappy until that happens. And maybe long after. It's your choice, Nii-sama, but…how much heartbreak can you bear in a lifetime?"

Byakuya's gaze still didn't waver from the garden over Rukia's shoulder, but his eyes had softened. He couldn't hide the pain in them anymore. Rukia hated seeing him this way. But since it was his pride and love of order causing it, she knew that this was the hardest thing for Byakuya to change. She spared herself any more heartache at seeing his face by leaving.

…

Byakuya stood alone on the wooden walkway as the orange light faded to purple and blue. Soon all was silent but for the garden stream, and nothing but the moon lit his solitary contemplation. Though he far preferred the cherry blossoms, there was a special beauty in the bungo ume as the moon struck the tops of the flowers, the cold light reflecting them into the pond below. He watched a single petal flutter through the air to alight softly on the moss, and Renji's crying face once again floated up in his mind.

Each time he thought of it, the little wound that had been gnawing at the center of his chest grew deeper. And crashing to that wound in came his uncle's threats against Renji's life. The one was beginning to make the other unbearable.

But what could he do? He'd cut off Renji's feelings for him. He had done the right thing, and life had gone on as it should since then. But still Renji's face continued to invade his thoughts. Not just from the time when he broke down. Random memories of Renji fighting in that tenacious and gaudy way of his, being hurt for Byakuya or Rukia, laughing, confused, and the look of agonized ecstasy as he came. Renji's hesitance as he tried to melt the frost around Byakuya's heart with soft kisses. His hopelessness as he asked to hold Byakuya's hand. The desperation in his breathless voice as he dug his fingers into Byakuya's back.

Byakuya closed his eyes in what must have been the hundredth, fruitless attempt to push these thoughts away. Three times. Three times Byakuya had betrayed his family and his guiding purpose in life. Did anything hold meaning if people could break rules and betray obligations whenever they chose? But one thing he knew now, he couldn't see a way out.

His feet carried him out into the garden. He walked through the peace of the petals gently alighting on the moss and becoming lost in the water, but was able to obtain no peace from them. And when he reached the end of his grounds, he kept walking. He didn't notice he was entering the forest. He didn't even take note of his surroundings at all until he almost walked into a ravine. He looked down over the valley, cut by a now almost dry stream. He knew this spot, though it looked unfamiliar with only moonlight to view it under. He swallowed. His heart felt squeezed as he kept walking, a part of him dreading whom he might find here, as he had once before.

Sure enough, this time seated on a ledge halfway up one side of the ravine, his vice-captain sat in a thoughtful, cross-legged posture. To be honest, Byakuya had thought before that Renji was an attractive man, thus his lack of objection toward Renji's affection for Rukia. Despite their gaudy nature, those tattoos suited him. His bright red hair, as vulgar as the hibai ume that Byakuya detested, curved in a noble and pleasing arch down the back of his head and licked at his muscular neck. His tall, wide, decidedly masculine back was dependable, even had a kind of nobility to it, if a cheap kind.

Renji's sword was resting on top of his knees, and beside him a flask of what looked like alcohol. As he watched, Renji took a drink before returning to his occupation of apparently watching the moon. Byakuya followed his gaze and realized it wasn't just the moon. There was also a plum tree beginning to bloom on the opposite side of the ravine. So Renji had been having his own private flower-viewing as Byakuya had been enjoying those in his own garden just hours ago.

Byakuya turned his gaze back to Renji and for a time just appreciated the sight, even as he was tortured with painfully sweet memories. As he did, he felt a fresh stab of self-hatred. There was his subordinate, his inferior, watching the moon the same way he had always watched Byakuya. Ever admiring. Ever unable to reach it. And here was Byakuya, watching Renji. With the same longing, the same powerlessness. It was detestably shameful.

But as Byakuya's shame had temporarily made him drop his guard, he remained frozen where he was as Renji noticed his reiatsu and whirled around in surprise. Though they were too far away and it was too dark for direct eye contact, both men held one another's gaze by instinct in a tense moment of silence. Byakuya had to draw in a sharp breath to curtail the urge to speak. He shouldn't call out to him. He had no place even being here. Despite the deep fissure of pain that ran through his chest to do it, he turned away without a word.

Moments later, with his shunpo, Renji appeared just a few steps away. "Captain…" he murmured, still sounding surprised.

Byakuya didn't answer. Or to be more precise, he couldn't. All his words were caught on the way to his lips by the pain, self-hatred and fear paralyzing his throat. So he stopped at Renji's voice, but did not even turn to look at him.

Renji seemed to be at a loss too. It was a long moment before he was able to begin to ask what he obviously wanted to know. Why Byakuya was here. Did Byakuya even have an answer? What could he say?

"Captain…" Renji began again, softly. His voice sounded different from just a moment ago. It was the same, mechanical voice he had used ever since that night. Byakuya closed his eyes. He hated to hear Renji's voice like that, and to picture the lifeless expression he knew was currently on his face. "Did you need something from me?"

Ever the useful subordinate; he was giving his captain a chance to think of an excuse. But even the idea of lying stuck in his throat as distasteful. There was no right answer. No way to avoid injuring his pride, or widening the wound in his heart.

At Byakuya's continued silence, Renji let out an almost inaudible, defeated sigh. After a moment he muttered, "I'm sorry, Captain…I need more time."

Byakuya's eyes flicked open. He still couldn't bring himself to turn, but he glanced partly in Renji's direction, unsure what that comment meant but afraid of what he suspected.

"Soon…I'm sure…I can pretend nothing ever happened," Renji continued in a voice little over a whisper. Byakuya's chest felt gouged out. It was all he could do not to clutch at it to stem the tide. "I know I promised," Renji murmured. "I know how hard it was for you to do that for me. I won't go back on my word. So for just a little longer…if you want to help me forget…please don't come near me."

Byakuya's eyes fluttered closed again. Renji was trying so hard to do as he wanted him to do. Every outside force seemed to be working to help Byakuya keep his word and his honor. Yet every little thing that helped him seemed to tear him further apart. He felt his eyes sting, and was grateful for the cold night air to reduce the heat there.

But he had to speak now. Renji would start to wonder what was wrong. Some kind of answer, any would do. He had to leave here before Renji noticed what was happening to him. "I understand," he murmured. "Forgive the intrusion."

With that, he moved away from Renji. Even as pain streaked down his whole body and regret washed over him, he walked aimlessly into the woods, anywhere away from Renji. He couldn't risk this feeling anymore. It didn't matter how much it hurt, he had to cast it away.

A hand grasped his arm. Byakuya froze in shock as he felt Renji's reiatsu flowing near him again. The tight grasp of his hand.

Renji took a breath, but stopped himself. After another moment of hesitation, he said, "Captain. Please. Let me see your face."

Byakuya momentarily shut his eyes tightly, frustrated at the emotions still heightened too much to fully control. But there was no way to hide them from Renji even if he tried. He relaxed and let out a soft sigh. "Nothing is preventing you from looking," he answered peevishly.

Renji seemed to want to object, but held his tongue. Instead, without letting go of Byakuya's arm, he walked around to face him. Renji's breath caught. Byakuya did not know exactly what his face looked like at that moment, but clearly he was transparent enough to give Renji a shock. Even more reason to be ashamed.

"I cannot imagine what you want to see," Byakuya murmured, fighting back his self-disgust.

Before replying, Renji's grasp of Byakuya's arm softened. Instead of holding him here, that touch now gently caressed. Eventually, Renji closed his eyes in anguish and shook his head. "Nothing," he said softly.

Byakuya closed his eyes. That was right. Renji was supposed to be giving him up. He couldn't hope for Renji's feelings to remain unchanged even as he forced him to do the opposite.

But Renji continued, "I wanted to see nothing in your heart for me, like always. Your control has saved me these last few days. I wanted to make sure I was wrong. That there was nothing to hope for."

With fingers that trembled, Renji cupped Byakuya's cheek in his other hand and tilted his chin up to meet his gaze in the gentle moonlight. Renji's face was streaked with pain. He looked like Byakuya felt. "But if you make a face like that, then my heart has reason to break all over again. Captain…I still love you…it hurts…"

With these softly whispered words, Renji pressed a kiss to Byakuya's lips. Byakuya inhaled sharply at the electric sensation that coursed through his body. He found his fingers tightening in Renji's shihakusho as the vice-captain drew their bodies close and coaxed unwelcome pleasure from Byakuya's lips. This kiss felt different from any he had shared with Renji before. It was a little frightening how good it felt.

Renji's lips slowly parted from his. He rested his forehead against Byakuya's to share his breath and gazed deep into his eyes, his thumb running along Byakuya's cheek with reverence. But as Byakuya met Renji's eyes, the memory of his uncle's threat flashed in his mind. An image of Renji's lifeless body and a Kuchiki blade streaked with his blood made him gasp out loud.

Byakuya shoved Renji back with more force than was necessary. "Don't touch me," Byakuya muttered. He stayed just long enough to see the shock and anguish on Renji's face. What have I done? The words flickered sharply across his mind before he shoved them away. Then he left with shunpo to return to the safety of his home.

As he entered his bedroom, he numbly slid the door closed behind him, feeling gutted. And then his eye caught on Hisana's butsudan. Pain twisted his face as he watched her compassionate smile. He rested his face in his hand.

"What must I do?" he asked her, wishing just once that he might hear her voice again, but knowing that he never would.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Renji was tempted to take leave from his duties. He felt like shell. That beautiful, painful expression…even thinking about it made him ache anew. But whatever he thought he saw in Captain Kuchiki's face that night, his reaction afterward said everything about how he truly felt. Even knowing that, it was a constant struggle to keep that memory of Captain Kuchiki's pained face from his mind.

He couldn't face his captain properly anymore. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't pretend nothing had happened. He didn't know how to do his job, since he was sure he couldn't bear to even look at Captain Kuchiki. He found himself experiencing tunnel vision sometimes as he found reality too painful a place to stay. Unfortunately, it was as he was experiencing a moment like this, while walking over the high, narrow stone walkway between the vice-captain meeting rooms and the first division offices, that someone approached him from behind.

He felt a bump against his back, his feet lost the sensation of pressure beneath them, but it was not until he was already falling that he realized what had happened. He gasped, but in the next moment everything went black.

…

Byakuya felt some misgivings about coming into work the next day, though it never occurred to him to take leave. Duty was still duty. No matter how much it pained him now, there was no other way. Even so, he was still shocked when, even well after nine in the morning, his office was still silent and absent of his vice-captain.

He was considering sending out a hell butterfly to request from other officers if any had seen him, but it was at that moment that a low-ranking squad member burst in through his office door.

"Captain Kuchiki!" she cried. "There's been an accident. Vice-Captain Abarai…"

Byakuya's heart leapt into his throat, but he restrained himself to merely tightening his fingers around the brush he had been holding. As soon as he realized, he calmly set the brush aside, and with it the myriad of irrational fears that had just entered his mind. "Is he dead?" he asked without inflection.

"N-...no, sir, but his head..."

"Where is he?"

"He's been taken to the 4th squad…"

Byakuya nodded. "Thank you. Return to your duties."

When the squad member had gone, Byakuya stood. He walked slowly and purposefully toward the door. With difficulty, he kept his pace dignified and even as he traveled through the barracks. But as he left them, he used shunpo to cross the small distance between the sixth squad barracks and the fourth. With an odd ringing sensation in his ears as thoughts of Renji's mangled head filled his vision, Byakuya strode inside, past shocked fourth division members, until he found a seated member he recognized. The blond pencil-pusher recoiled as Byakuya stopped before him.

"I was told my vice-captain was here," he said.

The officer, whose name he thought might be Iemura, stammered to reply. "A-A-Abarai isn't it? Yes, right this way, Captain Kuchiki…"

Byakuya followed as the nervous officer led him down a hall, now feeling his hands oddly cold as he pictured Renji close to death, but expending his energy in keeping those thoughts from being noticeable to others. Suddenly, two flashes of black past them. Members of the Onmitsukidō, both of whom distant relatives of the Kuchiki that Byakuya recognized, were quite clearly blocking Byakuya's attempt to see Renji.

Byakuya's eyes narrowed as he used every muscle of restraint not to let his anger or impatience show. "What is this?"

Both operatives knelt with one fist on the floor in deference before they replied. "Forgive this transgression, Captain Kuchiki," said one. "But we are under orders."

"Orders. From whom?" Byakuya demanded, wrapping the fingers of his right hand around Senbonzakura's hilt.

They did not answer. But they hardly needed to.

Byakuya's fingers tightened on his sword's hilt. "Kuchiki Seijō?" he guessed softly.

"I have no idea to what you are referring, Captain," said one, unconvincingly.

A sinking feeling that had been nagging at Byakuya struck now with full force. When he heard Renji had been hurt, his first thought had been that his uncle was responsible. But he hadn't wanted to believe it. Now it seemed harder to deny.

"You will prevent me from seeing to my vice-captain?" he asked them.

"If that is your intention, Captain."

Byakuya flicked his gaze to either side, looking for small hints of reiatsu that might indicate a trap or greater numbers. Indeed, he at least got the sense there were more than just these two. Considering who they were, and who was ordering them, they would be ready for him.

"Are you prepared to use force against a captain of the Gotei 13?" he asked them, testing the waters.

"It would be wise to assume that, Captain."

Byakuya took in and let out a slow breath, watching the other end of the hallway over the shoulder of the terrified Iemura in front of him. He realized he had drawn Senbonzakura a few inches from its sheath. He had to negotiate with himself to accept the futility what he had been contemplating for a few moments just now. No amount of bargaining would change how fruitless it would be for him to try to fight this now. Even a successful attempt would only make the situation worse. Slowly, he replaced his sword.

"3rd Seat Iemura," Byakuya said coldly.

"S-S-Sir!" Iemura replied.

"My vice-captain is alive, is he not?"

"Ah…yes, sir, he is!"

"And likely to remain so?"

"For now, sir, we believe so."

"Very well," Byakuya said, turning and walking away. "You will contact me if his condition changes. Or if a military burial is in order."

"Oh…I…yes, sir!"

Byakuya's fists tightened as he tried to convince himself they were not shaking. He had to see his uncle. If not, he was certain, the next time he saw Renji would be at his funeral.

…

Renji regained consciousness by way of a massive headache. "Nnnn…" he groaned irritably, gingerly touching the remains of a rather frighteningly large gash on his head. His hair was tied loosely at the back of his neck, likely for easy access to the wound which seemed to extend from his temple to the top of his head. He got a wave of sickness just picturing how upsetting it was to have almost nothing between the world and his brain.

"Vice-Captain Abarai, you're awake!" came a familiar, gentle and high-pitched voice. Yamada Hanataro appeared from the hall outside. "That's a relief. Let me just make sure you're healing properly," he said and began examining Renji's head.

Renji blearily looked around, realizing he was in a hospital bed in the 4th squad. "Did I…get hurt?"

"Before that, do you know what day it is?"

"…Friday…"

"Your name?"

"…Abarai Renji."

"How many fingers?" asked Hanataro, holding up three fingers.

Renji growled in irritation. "What am I doing here? Were we attacked? Is Captain Kuchiki all right?"

"I'll tell you in a minute, so first, please, how many fingers?"

"…three…"

"Good," said Hanataro with a smile. "It looks like there's no permanent damage. You'll be just fine in a day or two. You cracked your head open when you fell, lost a few skull fragments and we could see brain matter at first so it had us worried, but-"

"Cracked my head open?" Renji repeated, feeling a cold sensation run down his spine. "What happened?"

Hanataro hesitated. "I don't want you to worry. The ninth squad is looking into it. It seems like you fell on your own, but with your skills and reflexes, that seems unlikely…they're trying to determine if you were…pushed," he supplied at last, somehow looking guilty, though Renji seriously doubted there was any reason for that other than Hatanaro being Hanataro. "Do you remember anything about this morning? Walking across the bridge between the vice-captain meeting rooms and the first division offices?"

Renji suddenly felt cold all over as he remembered the events of the previous night. And suddenly he didn't care about getting hurt anymore. A small part of him wondered if it would have been better if his head stayed cracked open.

"Pushed…" he repeated under his breath. He had to think about it. On the one hand, he remembered having tunnel vision right before it happened. Even if someone had bumped into him accidentally, he might have fallen on his own. On the other hand, even if it was intentional, he didn't have much will in him to wonder about why someone would want to kill him.

"Not really," he muttered at last, gaze blankly on the bed before him.

Hanataro seemed concerned, wanting to press for more, but he held back. "Don't worry about it," he said with a reassuring smile. "For now, just rest here until Captain Unohana decides you're fit to leave. And call if you need anything. Oh, also the bone hasn't fused with the bit of metal we added yet, try not to bump or scratch your head too hard for a while."

Renji was staring into the space beside his bed as Hanataro left. So someone might be trying to kill him, just as he felt like life was hard to keep living. Maybe that was fitting somehow.

It was as these dark thoughts were swirling inside him that he felt a familiar reiatsu at the door. He glanced up in shock to see her small figure there, the closest he had seen her for about five days. "Rukia!" he said in shock.

Rukia, wearing a decidedly awkward smile, slowly creeped inside. "Y-…yo, Renji! Feel like it's been a while…they say you got your head bashed in! That's got to hurt. Heh."

The laugh that had been tacked on to the end of that was probably the least natural part of her entire robotic speech. Renji just raised an eyebrow at her. "Uh…yeah. I don't really remember though," he eventually supplied, trying a smile but not quite getting it.

Her smile faded as her eyes flicked up to his injury. Pain flickered across her face and she glanced at the ground. "They said you'll be okay?"

Renji's chest ached as he realized that even though Rukia still cared about him, he had made it very hard for her to come here. And there was nothing he could do to wipe away his guilt. "Yeah, no worries," he murmured. But then he immediately realized that being dark would only cause her to worry more.

He forced a laugh. "Trust me to fall right off a bridge, right? I'm sure you're thinking I deserved it, for home-wrecking…ha ha…"

Rukia's face twisted with shock and anger. Renji froze beneath that expression, but knew that making her hate him was the best way for her to let go.

"Too bad…I didn't get anywhere with him," he forced himself to continue, in an overly positive voice. "Would have been fun to be real siblings with you. But…you're brother's straight, so that's something to be happy about, right? Relieved, I guess, more than happy…"

"Shut up!"

A deep fissure cracked down Renji's heart at the outrage in her voice. She must be disgusted with him. It cut him deeply to be hated by her, even just to disappoint her. Maybe she would hate him forever now. But if it healed her relationship with Byakuya, if it helped her to be happy, it would be worth it.

"Moron!" she continued, and a flicker of hope rose in his chest in spite of himself. "You think I want Nii-sama to be straight more than I want you alive in this world? Grow up! Have you forgotten every time we scraped by just to keep living? What we went through together? How much I've depended on you and you on me? If that's not family, what is!"

She finished speaking and huffed, folding her arms, as she left Renji in a state of shock. He genuinely believed she hated him. Not just hated, but would never forgive. Could this be real? She had forgiven him? He hid his eyes behind his hand with a trembling sigh, feeling like he'd used up a lifetime's worth of luck.

"I'm sorry…Rukia…" he murmured. "I made you worry."

"If you understand, then it's fine," she replied high-handedly.

He lowered his hand from over his eyes, staring at the bed. He'd been given a second chance at this friendship. Now he finally had the chance to set things straight with her. He had to do it.

"You should know…it's over," he muttered. Rukia's gaze turned on him with a dubious expression. "Or it…was never really anything. Just me. Captain Kuchiki was just being kind. So…don't blame him."

Rukia took this in with a dry expression. After a moment, she glanced out the window thoughtfully. "Is that so," she replied without further comment.

"Is he…I mean he wouldn't be worried, would he? Never mind," Renji muttered, scratching the back of his neck and regretting it as it send a wave of dull pain radiating through his head. He winced and lowered his hand.

Rukia let out a sigh. "Nii-sama doesn't...worry, as such. But by his standards he's a complete wreck, from what I can tell."

"What?" Renji muttered in disbelief.

Rukia frowned and brought her knuckle to her lips to think. "I can't say I fully understand him. But all I know about him says he's miserable and confused. You can take that to mean what you like, but if he didn't have any feelings for you beyond just being a subordinate, I can't see how it would make sense."

Renji couldn't quite handle the implication in what she was saying. It sounded like Captain Kuchiki shared his feelings, but he stopped himself. It was useless to hope. More than useless. If he believed it for a moment and his hopes were crushed again, he wasn't sure he would recover this time.

Rukia bit her lip, her troubled expression deepening. "Renji, have you thought about why someone might want to harm you?"

Numbly, Renji shook his head. "Why did that come up suddenly?"

"Even if you were upset at the time, I find it hard to believe a stone-headed guy like you would manage to fall in just the right way to receive a nearly fatal injury."

"Who's 'stone-headed'?" Renji growled.

Rukia's frown deepened. "If…I know it's hard to believe, but if Nii-sama had feelings for you," Renji quickly turned away and pretended he hadn't heard that, even as his pulse rose, "if someone else noticed, someone in the Kuchiki…it's possible they would react violently."

"His family?" Renji muttered, having trouble believing that. "You can't be serious. No matter how much honor is important to them, just to stop some rumors…"

Rukia shook her head with a dark expression. "You can't just sum it up that easily. Status protects the family, keeps everyone inside it alive, comfortable, and gives them meaning in life. It's as important to them as breathing. It's not unreasonable that they would kill to protect that."

Renji had to admit it was quite a shock to think someone might have tried to kill him for loving Byakuya. It felt like being gutted. "But then…they might do that whether Captain Kuchiki had feelings for me or not," he muttered, almost like a mantra to convince himself. "I'm the threat. So…maybe Captain Kuchiki is just conflicted about their methods."

Rukia raised an eyebrow. "I don't know. Does that really sound like him?" she asked. Renji turned away, refusing to dwell on the fact that he had just thought the same thing. Rukia shrugged. "I won't blame you for how you want to think about it. But I will say not to underestimate the Kuchiki. I would watch your back from now on."

Renji nodded, though part of him was still wondering if it was worth it to even try.

Rukia paused for a moment, observing him with a look of slight concern, before turning and heading toward the door. Before she left, she stopped. "I don't have an answer, but…I will tell you Nii-sama doesn't know what to do either. And I would have more faith in him."

Hesitantly, Renji met her gaze as she added with sincerity, "When he heard you were hurt, he stormed in here and scared a bunch of the fourth squad members until some Onmitsukido stopped him. Whatever he may feel about you, he definitely doesn't want you to die. So…don't make it easy for them, all right? Take care, Renji."

Slowly, Renji nodded again. "Yeah," he murmured as she left.

Was it all right to take that at face value? Maybe Captain Kuchiki didn't love him, but he had been worried enough to come here…did that mean he had forgiven Renji for breaking his promise? For break it, he had. He gently rested his head between his knees as despair rolled over him. He couldn't deny it anymore. He still loved Captain Kuchiki.

…

Byakuya found his uncle that evening in the study of his personal section of the mansion, carefully restoring some family records, which was a hobby of Seijō's.

"Excuse me. Oji-sama," Byakuya said softly, knowing full well any wrong move he made now could cost Renji his life. "May I speak with you?"

Seijō lifted his gaze from the magnifying glass and brush he was holding, and though his facial expression barely changed, it was clear he found the sight of Byakuya less appealing than the yellowing text he'd been scrutinizing. Nevertheless, he stood and bowed as protocol dictated.

"Of course, Byakuya-sama," he said. "How may I help you?"

"Did you attempt to have my vice-captain killed?"

Seijō's eyebrows lifted, but more because it was expected than with genuine surprise. "Would it be any concern of yours if I did?" he asked matter-of-factly.

This soft statement sent a chill down Byakuya's spine. He hadn't expected him to be so upfront about admitting to attempted murder. "It is illegal and immoral," Byakuya murmured, still coming to grips with the fact that Renji had almost been killed because of Byakuya's family. "Not even a Kuchiki can murder whomever they please, Oji-sama."

Seijō scoffed. "The homo wants to lecture me on morality."

A spark of defiance rose in Byakuya's throat, but failed to reach his lips. He clamped down on his anger with the help of fear for Renji's life. Getting angry would not save him. "Why kill him?" Byakuya pressed. "There is nothing between us. He is nothing but a subordinate to me."

Seijō's wrinkled eyes narrowed up at Byakuya. He approached him to look more closely at his face, trying to glean something from it. Byakuya fought the urge to back away, feeling as always a touch of fear from his uncle's scrutiny. Whatever he saw, displeasure rolled over Seijō's ancient face.

"A constant disappointment in everything. Such a vulgar display of sentiment for a mere _commoner_."

Anger at this insult forced Byakuya to respond. "I did not speak of my feelings," he said coldly. "My loyalty and my word are pledged to protect this house. Three times I broke that promise in the past. The thought of doing so again is to me as poison," Byakuya told him sharply, his true feelings as he spoke them cutting deeply into him. "However, that man is a valuable member of my division. To lose him would affect my position in the Seireitei. It is not your choice to remove him." Byakuya closed his eyes to calm himself as he added softly, "If you wish to force me not to break my word, surely there are other ways."

Seijō nodded to himself, but Byakuya knew better than to take any comfort in that. "Your thoughts?"

Byakuya took a breath to respond. He had hoped his uncle wouldn't ask him that, because only one thing had occurred to him. And it would both break his heart and make his job more difficult. He decided on the spot to start with something he had dismissed himself, something that he knew his uncle would reject, in hopes the elder Kuchiki would propose something else himself.

"A temporary exchange of vice-captains with another captain in the Gotei 13," Byakuya said, attempting to sound more confident than he was. "That would remove Renji from direct contact with me but still enable him to act as moral support for my division when necessary. Without my presence."

"Ludicrous. Nothing in that would prevent you from sneaking him in here to fuck like animals. Don't fool yourself that no one felt his dirty reiatsu that morning."

Byakuya's stomach twisted. Of course Seijō knew about that. Even if Byakuya's kidō had not faded by morning, he hadn't been very careful about avoiding the eyes of the servants on the way in, and half of them reported directly to Seijō. He had never imagined how much his uncle would try to hurt Renji over something Byakuya found trivial.

"Other thoughts?" Seijō pressed, to Byakuya's despair.

The captain closed his eyes to gather himself. And he said the words that shattered his heart. "It is not uncommon to send high-ranking officers on extended missions of espionage or reconnaissance, either to Hueco Mundo or the Lower World."

Seijō mulled that over with a nod. "Let's say Hueco Mundo. More dangerous and more difficult to travel to and from."

Byakuya's hands tightened at his sides as he tried to control his breathing. "But such a mission would be a great inconvenience to the daily workings of my division. It would be little different than losing him altogether."

"Hm. I'm sure you can cope with some inconvenience. Very well. Shall I inform your superiors or shall you?"

Byakuya's mouth opened to answer, but a surge of emotion closed it again. After a moment he murmured, "I will dispatch a letter to Commander Yamamoto this evening and inform Vice Captain Abarai in person tomorrow."

"That won't be necessary. Allow me to inform him on your behalf," Seijō replied tonelessly. It was not a request.

Byakuya swallowed the urge to object. The idea that Renji's spirit would be crushed by being told he was leaving the Seireitei by someone he barely knew, on Byakuya's order, would garner no sympathy.

"As you wish, Oji-sama," he replied, then swept from the room as he felt blood surging through his veins in helpless frustration.

…

The next day, in the afternoon, before most in the Seireitei had even heard anything about it, Renji was ordered to report to the 12th division to go through the garganta into Hueco Mundo. Alone. Without explanation. Byakuya's uncle had allowed his presence on the occasion only because there would be others present, including himself. Byakuya would be unable to explain, even in the roughest terms, why this was happening.

Renji arrived dutifully at the time he was told to. He didn't look anyone in the eye. Byakuya could see his eyes were red. His whole body ached to explain, but with his uncle standing two feet away from him, he could not even look at Renji for long without provoking suspicion.

"Hmph," scoffed Captain Kurotsuchi irritably. "A half day's notice to open a portal into Hueco Mundo. Do you have any conception of how valuable my time is?"

Byakuya flicked his gaze at the captain who, after Zaraki, he shared the least in common with. "Your time, like mine, belongs to the Seireitei. If you have a complaint, kindly address it to Commander Yamamoto, or the Central 46."

"Oh be assured that I will," Kurotsuchi replied emphatically. "Nemu," he barked. "Finalize the calculations and begin the process."

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

Vice-Captain Nemu entered a few numbers in a keyboard and flipped a foreboding switch. The air became filled with a high-pitched static sound, and after a rumbling, reality began to break and divide into a messy, toothy hole in the air behind Renji. He glanced back at it with a lost expression.

When he had come in, he had been carrying something under his arm. Byakuya realized now, as he produced it and wrapped it around his shoulders with his back to his superiors, that it was the cloak Byakuya had given him for the previous mission to Hueco Mundo. He didn't even realize Renji had managed to retrieve it before they evacuated.

"Very well, Vice-Captain Abarai. You are free to go at your leisure. But not too leisurely," Kurotsuchi grumbled.

"Yes, sir," Renji said in a dead voice. He took a step forward. Byakuya's heart felt squeezed in his chest. He had an urge to stop him before Renji's feet stopped on their own. "I…" Renji began softly, barely audible above the static noise. "I'll do my utmost to fulfill my mission."

And without turning back once, that was all he said before walking through the portal, into the world of sand and darkness beyond. Byakuya took in a sharp breath and tried to let it out slowly. Renji would be all right. It was only temporary, and even Hueco Mundo was a relatively safe place for him to be, where Byakuya's family couldn't reach him.

However, even as he thought this, a flash of black and metal caught the corner of Byakuya's eye. His heart stopped. Something had gone through the gate after Renji. From the barely perceptible reiatsu, Byakuya knew what it was.

He didn't think. Just as the garganta was beginning to close, Byakuya swept through it after the phantom he had seen.

"Captain Kuchiki!"

"Byakuya-sama!" his uncle's enraged voice echoed behind him.

Paying no attention to his surroundings, or anything but the trace of reiatsu he had felt, Byakuya reached his hand out and grabbed onto an Onmitsukidō member. He yanked them back toward him. He drew his sword, but too late.

Pain shocked his system as his stomach felt on fire. He looked down to find a ninjatō sunk deep into it, his own blood and bile sinking onto its edge. Calmly, he brought Senbonzakura before him and murmured, " _Chire_ , Senbonzakura."

Sakura petals lit the darkness of Hueco Mundo, and blood filled the air behind them.

"Captain!" Renji cried.

The garganta snapped shut, leaving them in the silence of the eternal night and endless sand.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

The Onmitsukidō member, obviously not having expected to defend against an attack from Kuchiki Byakuya, panicked for just an instant as cherry blossoms fluttered peacefully around them. The next moment, the operative was reduced to little more than mush as the difference in reiatsu between them and Byakuya was too great to withstand even a single pass of Senbonzakura.

Byakuya dropped the remains of the operative onto the dark sand as he realized Renji was watching him dumbfounded. Though his consciousness was fading, with effort Byakuya pulled the blade from his own stomach and let it thunk into the sand. He held the wound as blood briefly flowed swiftly from it, instinctively using kidō to seal the wound.

"C-…Captain!" Renji cried in a panic, approaching him but not sure how to help. "What…why…"

Byakuya sighed. "Concern yourself with the fact that we are now trapped in Hueco Mundo until Kurotsuchi Mayuri deigns to open the garganta again. My guess would be that he will not voluntarily do so until Commander Yamamato asks him to, which may be hours from now. Perhaps even days."

Byakuya took a glance around them at the featureless, dark landscape, lit only by a distant moon in a starless, blackish sky. "For now, we should seek some shelter." He took a step toward a nearby sand dune, expecting Renji to follow. But suddenly his vision went blurry and his knees buckled.

Renji rushed forward and caught him before he fell. "Captain!" he cried. "What's wrong?!"

Byakuya reflexively touched the wound and attempted to use kidō to force it to heal faster, only to find he was unable to concentrate from something other than simple blood loss. An acquaintance with Shihouin Yoruichi enabled him to discover, even with his addled mind, what was happening.

"Poison," Byakuya guessed softly.

Renji gasped, his grasp on Byakuya tightening. "Captain…what should I do?"

Byakuya lost the last strength in his legs and Renji had to help him kneel in the sand. Panting and fighting delirium from a quickly rising fever, Byakuya managed, "Use…kidō…to remove it…from my blood."

"Captain…with my kidō skills, I could make it worse…"

"Then let me die," Byakuya snapped. "Help me…or don't. But make a decision…quickly."

Renji was clearly at a loss, having been unable to predict his day would turn into this. But clearly the threat of losing Byakuya was enough to push him past his self-doubt. "All right," he said, swallowing. "Forgive me, Captain. This may hurt."

Renji carefully helped Byakuya to lay down in the sand. He held his shaking hands a few inches over the wound in Byakuya's stomach. His hands had just started to glow with green kidō when a burst of sand and a hollow scream echoed far too close for comfort.

Though Byakuya was barely conscious now, he heard Renji curse, and then found himself being carried fast across the desert in Renji's arms. But after a moment, Renji clearly realized there was no way to get Byakuya to safety without defeating this hollow first. Byakuya found himself slung unceremoniously over Renji's shoulder.

" _Hoero_ , Zabimaru!" Renji called out, drawing his sword with his free hand and swinging his shoulder widely to let his blade snake through the air.

Byakuya heard the sound of a mask shattering and the death wail of the hollow, then they were on the move again and he lost track of time.

He came to his senses again when Renji laid him down in what seemed to be a very dark cave. Soon, it was lit with the glow of Renji's hands and Byakuya came fully awake with a burning pain through his whole body.

"Ngh!" he cried, shocked by the pain and unable to hold back his voice.

"I'm sorry, Captain," Renji said softly. "I'm figuring out how to do this as I go. I think I've got it but it's going to hurt some more. Hang on."

Byakuya clenched his jaw as his blood felt like it was boiling. The pain didn't stop for a moment as Renji's rough kidō scraped the poison from his blood and tissue. Finally, after what felt like an unbearable amount of time, the glow of Renji's hands slowly faded. Byakuya breathed hard as, gradually, the pain began to fade with it.

"Captain…are you all right?" came Renji's hesitant voice. "How do you feel?"

With difficulty, but with clarity slowly returning to his mind, Byakuya nodded. "Unskillfully, you have succeeded in removing enough poison to avoid fatality."

"Thank god," Renji let out a deep sigh.

Byakuya felt a small tug at his sleeve. He turned his head a little to see that Renji, whether he was aware of it or not, was gripping Byakuya's sleeve with a shaking hand. Byakuya's chest ached with a different kind of pain. He closed his eyes and pushed that feeling away.

"Captain," came Renji's voice, after a few minutes of silence between them. "Just now…did you save my life?"

Byakuya sighed, instinctively declining to answer that. He knew he was in terrible danger now. As hard as it had been to hide his feelings alone with Renji during a moonlit night beneath the plum blossoms - but with the option to leave Renji's presence at any time - now he and Renji were truly alone for an indeterminable amount of time. How long could he keep this up with nowhere to run?

"Why…?" Renji murmured softly.

Byakuya's eyes widened. He looked up at Renji to try to glean from his expression what he could possibly mean by asking that question. "You don't know why I would want to save your life?"

Renji seemed hesitant to reply. His low voice came softly, and without any life in it, "I'm here to die anyway, aren't I?"

"Is that what you thought?" Byakuya whispered, his breath rushing out of him.

Renji's face was tortured as he refused to meet Byakuya's eyes. "I came here to do my duty," Renji murmured, his expression hardening with determination. "I broke my promise. I failed as your subordinate. And then…when you ordered me here, I…prepared myself to answer for what I had done."

Renji's face twisted in sadness, perhaps at his own words. He continued almost inaudibly, "Why are you getting hurt because of me again? How many times must I disappoint you? Captain, I…I would rather die here than-"

Byakuya couldn't bear to hear any more. He forced himself up and gripped Renji's shihakusho tightly in his fists, resting his head against his broad, warm chest. His control had broken. Being here alone with him, his body weak and his heart sickened from seeing Renji so sad, Byakuya clung to him as emotion welled up in his chest.

"Stop," he whispered against Renji's chest. "Don't say any more."

After a pause of shock, Renji sobbed. His hands hovered over Byakuya's shoulders, clearly desperate to return his embrace.

"What…are you doing to me?" Renji sobbed.

Then suddenly, he shot to his feet, forcing Byakuya to crumple against the sand, still too weak to sit up properly on his own. Renji had already turned away from him and was holding his head in frustration.

"You drive me insane!" Renji cried, his desperation echoing through the cave. "How can you be cruel except when I need you to be?! If you want me dead, why can't I just die?!"

Byakuya's fingers tightened in the sand before him. Even as his heart broke, still hope and love flickered in its depths and made it impossible to avoid this pain. "You would have preferred that I had let you die?" Byakuya asked softly.

Renji took in and let out a harsh breath, but after a moment he answered sharply, "Yes."

Byakuya closed his eyes. They felt hot. As his fingers trembled in the sand, a drop of moisture slid across his nose to fall in between his hands. "Loving me is more painful than dying?"

Renji's fists tightened at his sides, but he didn't turn. "...yes."

Byakuya needed a moment to come to terms with that. "I see," he murmured softly, when he was able.

With difficulty, he pushed himself up to a seated position. He looked out over the bleak, dimly lit sands beyond this cave Renji had found. In his weakness of body and heart at that moment, in Renji's rejection and with the risk of losing him even once they returned to Soul Society, he saw no way out. The only thought in his mind was that Renji had told him his presence was more painful than dying. So he couldn't stay here.

It took some effort to get his feet under him. With assistance from the cave wall, Byakuya was able to get to his feet. He struggled to move forward, away from Renji, out into the expanse of nothingness, alone. Behind him, he heard Renji gasp sharply.

"Captain! What…what are you doing now?" Renji demanded, approaching him.

"Leaving," Byakuya told him coldly.

"Where?! You said yourself, the garganta may not open for days!"

"Nowhere."

"Nowhere?! What…?" Renji whispered, recoiling.

"Do not concern yourself," Byakuya's voice broke, and he hung his head to hold back a wave of sadness. "I can't stay here."

With surprising force, considering his usual deference to Byakuya, Renji grabbed his arm and forced him back against the cave wall. "If you leave this cave in the state you're in, you will die," Renji barked.

"Renji. This is an order. Let me go."

"Shut up! Agh, I don't understand you!" Renji cried loudly, making Byakuya flinch. "I don't know what's happening to you, but I'll never allow you to be in danger. Order me all you like."

Renji's breath caught as he glimpsed the thing Byakuya was unable to hide anymore. Another tear ran down Byakuya's face against his will, even as he felt he had his facial expression under control now. He refused to meet Renji's gaze and struggled to maintain his composure as his heart broke.

"Renji. I fell in love with you when you left for Hueco Mundo the first time."

The words tumbled unbidden from Byakuya's lips. Strangely, once he said the words, and for the first time since that dark and sweet farewell in Renji's quarters, he felt relief rush over him. It had been a heavy weight denying his feelings, even to himself. And for this one moment at least, there was no danger his family would hear. For this moment, he could accept himself.

Renji, still holding one of Byakuya's shoulders, was frozen. Byakuya couldn't even be sure he was breathing. He didn't seem able to react at all to what he was hearing.

Byakuya took a breath to settle himself before he continued. "You know I can't accept you," he continued. "It's the same as killing my family." He took another breath as sadness washed over him again. "Being near you…is like poison. The kind that lulls as it kills." He pressed a shaking hand to Renji's chest, halfheartedly pushing him away. "The closer you are, the deeper it sinks into my heart. Let me go."

Renji still seemed unable to grasp what was being said to him. "Cap…tain…" he murmured.

Byakuya closed his eyes tightly, fighting the urge to draw Renji into his embrace. "Renji. My shoulder. Let me go," he repeated.

"I can't," Renji whispered.

Though knowing his fate would be sealed if he did, Byakuya reluctantly met Renji's gaze. The desire and love he saw there broke him completely. He blinked away yet another surge of moisture down his cheek, his fingers tightening in Renji's shihakusho.

"Please…" Byakuya whispered.

Instead of let him go, Renji slowly raised a hand to push Byakuya's hair away from his face. His hand remained gently holding Byakuya's chin, preventing him from turning away.

"I love you," Renji said gently.

Byakuya closed his eyes again, his breath shaking. To further exacerbate the pain in his heart, Renji drew close and kissed away the tears still forming in his eyes. He rested his head against Byakuya's and gently caressed his cheek.

"But I know…Captain…you're right. This doesn't change anything."

Byakuya looked up at him in shock and sadness, even though he was still fighting with himself, having expected that, if Renji wouldn't let him leave, he would at least kiss away his sorrows.

Renji lovingly grasped the hand that Byakuya still hand pressed against his chest. "It's funny though. I can't tell you how happy I am," Renji told him quietly.

"You don't want to die anymore?" Byakuya demanded.

Renji scoffed. "That would be a waste now. I…know your heart can never be mine. Because the larger part still belongs to your family."

Byakuya breathed in sharply as pain shocked through his chest, because he knew it was at least partly true.

Renji shrugged, seeming to be in an inappropriately good mood. "Except, I've tried to stop loving you and I can't. My heart will be yours forever, even if you can't return my feelings."

Byakuya closed his eyes again with a sigh. "What should we do?"

Silence hung between them for a moment, as each considered multiple unwelcome futures. The hopelessness seeped into the air between them, though tinged with the warmth of shared affection. But Renji's fingers soon tightened over Byakuya's hand.

"Don't hesitate, Captain. Give me orders."

Byakuya blinked up at him. Renji's eyes, though still filled with love, were the hard eyes of a soldier as he held Byakuya's. His determination was yet another thing Byakuya loved about him, he realized.

"Tell me what I can do to ease your suffering. Even the smallest thing. I'll do anything if it will make you happy, or even just ease your sadness a little."

Byakuya knew Renji likely meant how to keep a distance that was comfortable for him. But his fortress of will had crumbled.

"Kiss me," slipped out.

Renji took in a sharp breath, his brows furrowing in pain. But without hesitation, he pulled Byakuya's face toward him and captured his mouth in a passionate kiss. Byakuya tried to control the waves of sensation rocketing through his body. He even felt his penis twitch as Renji's lips and tongue caressed his own. But moments later his duty resurfaced in his heart.

He pulled away, turning his face just a little from Renji's, unable to do more than this.

Renji rested his head in the crook of Byakuya's neck, the sensation of his breath causing shivers of pleasure to run down Byakuya's spine and further weakening his small resistance.

"Give me orders, Captain," Renji murmured in desperation. "What would ease your suffering?"

Byakuya's breath was coming raggedly now as the battle inside his heart reached its conclusion. Slowly, he moved both hands around to Renji's back. As if pleading with himself or with Renji, he was not sure, his fingers tightened in the fabric over Renji's broad, muscular back.

As the last of his resistance crumbled, Byakuya whispered, "Don't stop, even if I ask you to."

"Captain," Renji murmured, despairingly. "I don't want to do that."

Byakuya breathed out a harsh breath of frustration. "You are a fool," he said. "I am telling you what will ease my suffering. Wanting you is...painful," he whispered, close to Renji's ear. Renji shivered, his grasp tightening. "Any moment I may come to my senses and push you away. Either having you or not having you is hell. If I will regret either choice, then make it for me."

Renji didn't respond at first. Like an affectionate dog, he gently nuzzled Byakuya's neck. "Are you sure? Please, Captain...I don't want to hurt you."

Byakuya couldn't help but be moved by Renji's continuing loyalty, even after he had already asked so much of him. Byakuya let out a soft sigh and rested his cheek against the warmth of the open skin in the center of Renji's shihakusho. He closed his eyes, allowing himself a moment to enjoy Renji's heat.

"Do not make me repeat myself," Byakuya murmured in an intimate voice against Renji's skin.

Renji shuddered from head to toe. When he grasped Byakuya even harder against him, Byakuya felt Renji's hardness brush against his own, even through the many layers of clothing separating them. And then the flood of desire swept away his last effort to cling to duty.

Byakuya let out an audible moan as Renji's lips teased the skin of his neck, while one of his hands curved around Byakuya's rear and grasped it tightly. Byakuya's hips shook as desire raced through him. He'd never wanted anyone so badly before. It was terrifying.

But he was still weak and his knees quickly buckled. Renji easily held him to prevent him from falling, but soon after helped him down onto his back in the sand. Byakuya found himself alternately pulling Renji closer and pushing him away as Renji's lips dragged gasps out of him.

Renji stopped at one point and met Byakuya's gaze. His eyes searched Byakuya's as if to make sure this was all right. Just as Byakuya was about to admonish him for hesitating, his rough hand rose near Byakuya's face. His fingers brushed Byakuya's hair from his forehead. Rough fingers traced Byakuya's temple and cheek, barely touching him, before that large and calloused hand cupped Byakuya's face as Renji looked down at Byakuya with a complex expression.

"What is it?" Byakuya asked him.

Renji's brows furrowed a little, but he did not answer. Instead, after his eyes passed from one of Byakuya's to the other with that same difficult expression, he cast them aside for a moment. After looking at Byakuya once more, he traced his hand further down Byakuya's neck, fingers just brushing his ear. Byakuya almost jumped. That light touch, gentle but almost teasing, was surprisingly stimulating.

As those fingers traced down further, slipping underneath Byakuya's haori and shihakusho, he found his breath rate increasing against his will. Renji's fingers brushed his nipple and he reflexively held his breath and shut his eyes as a shock of pleasure went through his body. He let out a shaking breath and tried to control himself as Renji's hand caressed his shoulder to slip off his clothes.

But the realization that Renji was likely going to invade his body this time hit Byakuya suddenly as his skin was exposed to the chill air, and the unease made him feel almost ill. He snapped his hand up and grasped Renji's wrist tightly, silently asking him to stop. Even though he knew he would regret stopping now.

Pity and longing filled Renji's eyes as he looked down at him. Rather than break out of Byakuya's grip, though he should have been able to easily, he leaned down close and brushed a soft kiss against Byakuya's forehead.

Stroking Byakuya's hair, he whispered, "It's all right. Feeling good right now doesn't change who you are. You're being kind to accept my feelings. You're not gay, you love Hisana-sama, and you're not betraying anyone."

Byakuya felt heat run down his cheek, and for a moment he thought Renji was crying. How foolish. It was Renji's kindness that was breaking his heart, not the other way around.

He halfheartedly lifted his chest to allow Renji to pull his other shoulder out from his clothes, and watched as Renji also untied his obi. With the same reverence as he had done with Byakuya's face, his fingers traced down the muscles and indents of Byakuya's chest, so soft as to be barely touching. Byakuya's breathing heightened again in spite of himself. As his desire rose, he found himself staring at the small part of Renji's chest that was showing.

Renji seemed to notice his gaze. Obligingly, he stopped touching Byakuya and instead untied his own obi. In truth, Byakuya felt a small desire to pull Renji's shikahusho off himself, but he couldn't bring himself to be that brazen. Instead, Renji sat back and shrugged off the garment as Byakuya watched.

Renji's triangular, tattooed chest rose and fell heavily with impassioned breaths as he held Byakuya's gaze, even though they were barely touching now. He leaned close again and stole a deep kiss. Byakuya fought the urge to wrap his arms around Renji's neck as sweet sensations rolled over him, settling for pulling back slightly on his shoulders.

Renji briefly sat back again, but this time it was to slowly reach around Byakuya's waist and pull down his hakama. Byakuya shivered as Renji's fingers caressed his hips. But Renji didn't even look as Byakuya's hard cock came into view. Instead, after pulling them down far enough, Renji's hands both ran softly down the skin of Byakuya's right thigh, making him twitch. Renji pushed his knee up to allow the fabric to fall away and reveal the porcelain skin of Byakuya's leg. With the same reverence as before, he ran his fingers down every inch of Byakuya's leg, even caressing the bottom of his foot.

Though this alone had been enough to send surprising waves of pleasure through Byakuya's body, Renji turned back and repeated this sensual worship with Byakuya's other leg. By the time his fingers brushed the sole of Byakuya's left foot, Byakuya was panting out loud.

Renji didn't allow him much time to recover from this before wrapping his arms around Byakuya's chest and sucking down on one of his nipples. Byakuya gasped. He couldn't stop his fingers from digging into the skin of Renji's back. He felt guilty for a moment, but if anything Renji seemed to like that.

"I love everything about you, Captain," Renji whispered against his chest.

Byakuya froze, his cock hardening painfully at that unexpected confession. "Worship is different from love," he found himself replying bitterly, even though he only wanted to respond in kind. "Even worse if it's only physical."

Renji frowned down at him curiously. "You mean I only fell for your looks?"

"You wouldn't be the first," Byakuya muttered, turning away.

But to his surprise, Renji laughed. "I love how proud you are too. Of course you're right, no one could find any fault with how you look. But if that were the only reason, it would have been love at first sight."

Byakuya flicked an annoyed glance at him. "You mean to imply that it wasn't?"

Renji froze with an awkward expression. "L-…let's change the topic…"

"It is not yet finished."

"Okay, but later…"

"Renji," Byakuya growled.

Renji's wild red head fell in resignation as he let out a sigh. "When we first met, I thought you were a beautiful but horrible demon."

Byakuya's eyes widened. Somehow, although he shouldn't care, he had always considered Renji's loyalty absolute, and his admiration of Byakuya a given. The thought that that hadn't always been the case was a shock and a blow to Byakuya's normally unshakeable self-esteem. He did not like that at all.

"Get off me," he said, pushing Renji back by his bare shoulder, although even touching Renji's bare skin was still exciting for him.

"Hang on, Captain!" Renji stopped him, holding his shoulders. He looked him seriously in the eye. "Not because of who you were. Because I thought you were taking Rukia away forever. I may not love her the way I love you, but she's the closest thing I have to family."

"I know," Byakuya muttered, though still not convinced.

"You were an adversary. And one I could never hope to reach. I spent every moment thinking about how to become your equal. That quest to match you made me realize how far you were above me. Naturally that appraisal became admiration. But it took a long time for admiration to become love. Almost all the time I've known you. That's why…when you just said you loved me…I was so happy I thought I might die."

As he said this, Renji gathered Byakuya into his arms and let his head rest on Byakuya's chest. "If this is a dream I don't want to wake up."

Byakuya's eyes fluttered closed. Renji's words were making his chest ache, but not unpleasantly. Against his better judgment, he placed a hand on Renji's head. He felt the thick, red hair beneath his fingers and shivered at the feeling of Renji's breath against his chest.

"It is a dream," Byakuya murmured. "And for this moment, I am the one who loves you in return. Only in your dream."

Renji's grasp around Byakuya tightened until it hurt, but Byakuya only closed his eyes against and relished the fleeting euphoria he felt in Renji's arms. "Captain!" Renji whispered harshly against his chest, before grasping Byakuya's face in both hands and kissing him passionately again.

Byakuya let out gasps in between these overpowering kisses, reflexively shifting his hips away from Renji, ashamed of his hardness. But moments later, Renji was already kissing down his stomach, even stopping for a moment to tease his belly button. Fortunately Byakuya found that a turn-off and was able to restore some sanity before Renji pushed up his thighs and sucked down on the inside of one. Byakuya's breath stopped and his hips twitched.

Byakuya desperately tried to calm down as pleasure and anticipation assaulted him, but suddenly Renji's tongue caressed his cock from base to tip before his mouth swallowed its entirety. Byakuya couldn't hold back a breathy moan, his fingers gripping Renji's hair.

"Mm…" Renji moaned against his cock. Byakuya gasped as he fought the urge to cum already. "Captain…don't hold back. Cum inside my mouth."

With that, he wrapped both arms around Byakuya's thigh and began sucking his cock vigorously. Byakuya was already far too stimulated by everything Renji had done up until this point, he had no resistance to Renji's forceful sucking.

"Ren…ji…" Byakuya whispered helplessly as an orgasm hit him.

He threw his head back with a shuddering gasp, forcefully holding Renji's head tight to his hips. It took almost twenty seconds for him to finish. His cock twitched over and over in the warmth of Renji's throat. Finally he collapsed, shivering, against the sand as the feeling began to fade.

Slowly, Renji drew Byakuya's cock from his mouth, maintaining suction to lick every drop of cum from it, and making Byakuya twitch. Finally relief as his mouth left Byakuya's cock. Byakuya panted to restore his sanity.

But the next thing he knew, Renji flipped him over onto all fours. Byakuya couldn't hold himself up by his arms and soon crumpled, but Renji kept his hips high for easy reach. And just as Byakuya wondered what he was doing, a warm tongue pressed against his anus.

"Ah!" Byakuya cried in shock. "Ren…ji…stop…"

But as Renji's powerful tongue, coated with his own cum, slowly invaded his most intimate part, pleasure began to overpower his embarrassment. That dexterous tongue surged inside him like a tentacle, drawing out surprised gasps of pleasure from him. Every other move of it sent a flash of electricity up his spine. Byakuya was at a loss as to why this felt so good.

Even harder to bear was the fact that each time it thrust gently inside him, it failed to reach a point that somehow Byakuya knew he wanted it to. He felt just a little further and it would feel even better. He didn't realize as his hips shifted, encouraging Renji to delve deeper.

But instead of answering that desire, the next moment that tongue slowly dragged out of him. Byakuya closed his eyes to recover from that strangely pleasurable sensation. Then he realized Renji had two of his fingers deep inside his own mouth, and was coating them with saliva and the remains of Byakuya's cum. Byakuya froze, knowing what would come next. Panic struck him and he tried to move away.

Renji grasped him around his chest with his free hand and pressed a kiss to Byakuya's back, making him shiver. "It's all right, Captain. Concentrate on feeling good."

Renji slowly pressed one finger inside Byakuya's hole. Byakuya shuddered. Though his tongue had only felt good, this finger invading him was slightly uncomfortable. It swirled around inside him and provoked some of the same pleasure, but was not as warm or soft as Renji's tongue. Still, Byakuya was getting used to it when it invaded a little further and brushed that spot he'd been wanting Renji's tongue to hit. Byakuya trembled as his cock ached, a gasp caught in his throat.

"I found it?" Renji asked interestedly. "The prostate. You asked me if it felt better than direct genital stimulation, Captain. What do you think?"

Saying this, he flicked Byakuya's prostate repeatedly several times. Byakuya's vision blurred as pleasure briefly blocked out logical thought. This was humiliating. When Renji's movements slowed down for a moment, Byakuya was able to manage a reply.

"Know…your…place," he panted.

But Renji's only reply to this was to press a kiss to the highly sensitive spot in between Byakuya's balls and his hole. Byakuya gasped, writhing against his own clothes resting on the sand. With that, Renji added another finger. Byakuya barely managed to hold onto sanity as, after just a few moments of stretching him out, was able to thrust his fingers smoothly into Byakuya over and over, each time pressing against his prostate. When Renji added a third finger, only a hint of pain at being stretched saved Byakuya from cumming again.

"Are you all right, Captain?" Renji asked him softly, leaning over him to speak against his neck. "Does it feel good?"

Byakuya's whole body trembled, despite his embarrassment, already imagining what it would feel like to have Renji's cock inside him. It still scared him, but the more Renji's fingers pleasured him, the less that fear mattered.

"I will…inform you…if it does not," Byakuya panted noncommittally.

"Can I put it in?" Renji murmured.

Byakuya bit his lip. How could he answer that? It was already so shameful to have another man doing this to him, not to mention his enjoying it. But it was not just another man, he realized, as Renji patiently waited for his response. He turned his head to view the loving, desperate expression in Renji's face. Byakuya sighed, a warm feeling spreading through his chest.

"Do what you like," he said.

Renji pressed his head affectionately into Byakuya's neck again, breathing in the scent of his hair. Byakuya's eyes fluttered as tingling sensations rose from that spot, but then Renji pulled aside his hair and kissed a sensitive spot on the back of his neck. He twitched as pleasure rose within him, and during that sensation, Renji replaced his fingers with his cock.

Byakuya bit back a wave of pain. Renji's cock, as he just remembered, was above average size. Three fingers might not have been enough to prepare him. But it was too late to think of that now as, slowly, Renji invaded deeper and deeper inside him. Byakuya pushed himself up onto his elbows and rested his head in his clothes, clenching his jaw. He was a fool to have agreed to this. He suddenly felt pity for Renji having done this to him, though of course he wanted it.

Byakuya was concentrating on holding back pain as Renji's cock brushed his prostate. Byakuya flinched, his eyes widening in shock. But it was true, that had felt good. It felt wrong to feel pleasure and pain at the same time. But even as he pondered this, Renji's cock slowly slid in deeper. The pressure on his prostate increased and a soft gasp escaped Byakuya's lips. His cock, which had softened a little as Renji first entered, began to twitch and harden again.

But the very fact that he was starting to enjoy this continued to eat away at Byakuya's pride. He panted against his own clothes, fighting increasingly pleasurable sensations. Unlike when he was on top, he currently felt at the mercy of the desire coursing through him, the pleasure from everywhere Renji touched him. And that was before Renji even began to move.

Finally, Renji let out a heavy breath, wrapping his arms around Byakuya's chest from behind and resting his head against his shoulder. "I don't believe it…it's all inside already…is it true, you really love me, Captain?"

Byakuya blinked with sudden embarrassment at being asked that now. "I will…not…repeat myself…" he whispered, his face feeling hot with embarrassment.

"Captain…" Renji cried, and in desperation he tugged Byakuya's chin toward him to kiss him.

The combination of being kissed and having Renji's cock twitching against his prostate was almost too much, and Byakuya soon pulled away. He breathed heavily there for a moment to restore his sanity and let his pride recover. Heedless to Byakuya's existential crisis, Renji's hands roamed over his chest, making him shiver in pleasure again.

But after a few moments, Byakuya noticed something. Renji was doing little other than gently touch parts of his body and kiss his back. He wasn't moving. Byakuya turned his face to raise an eyebrow up at him. "What are you doing?" he demanded.

Renji didn't seem to have expected to be called out on this. "Well…it's your first time, and…I'm…on the big side…" he muttered, his face growing bright red.

"And?"

Renji swallowed, clearly fighting back pleasant sensations from being inside Byakuya. "I don't want to hurt you at all, Captain. In my experience it's best to wait for a while until it feels good. It will be worth it later, so…"

Byakuya quickly turned away, hiding his shame by pressing his forehead into his clothes.

"Captain?"

Byakuya refused to answer, though he couldn't stop his hips from twitching in frustration. He shuddered.

"Does it hurt very much?"

Byakuya let out an angry sigh. They weren't going to get anywhere like this. "Do not concern yourself," he replied, his pride preventing him from stating it any more clearly than that.

"Don't say that. Like you said to me once, there's no point in doing this if it hurts you."

"…doesn't…" Byakuya muttered, unable to manage sufficient volume.

"What was that, Captain?"

"It does not hurt," Byakuya growled.

Renji paused for a moment, trying to see his expression. He gently ran his fingers through Byakuya's hair, making it easier to see the side of his face, along with the blush on his cheeks. "Forgive me, Captain."

With that, he reached one hand around and stroked Byakuya's hard and quivering cock. An indecent noise fell from Byakuya's lips. He closed his eyes and rested the side of his face against his own clothes as Renji cruelly stroked even more pleasure from him.

"I didn't think you would be able to so soon, but…are you already feeling good, Captain?" Renji asked in wonder.

Byakuya gritted his teeth in irritation. "Do you enjoy humiliating me?" he demanded.

But Renji barely seemed to have heard him. "You are perfect," Renji whispered, shocking Byakuya into another wave of pleasure.

At that moment, he dragged his cock a few inches out and thrust it back in. Byakuya's breath caught. Along with a flicker of pain and discomfort, Renji's hand on his cock and his cock thrust against his prostate caused Byakuya's mind to briefly drift near unconsciousness from the sudden onslaught of pleasure. He wasn't prepared for Renji to thrust again, but when the pleasure hit him again this time a helpless cry rose from Byakuya's lips.

"Captain…" Renji panted, slowly rolling his hips against him again and again.

Byakuya's fingers gripped his own shihakusho as he tried to hold back the sensations sweeping his body. Even though it scared him, even if it made him feel mortified, he ached for Renji. He wanted even more than Renji's gentle, almost massage-like thrusting inside him. He couldn't meet Renji's thrusts with his own as he wanted to, but his body relaxed to allow Renji to enter even deeper.

"Ah…" Renji cried as Byakuya's hole twitched around him. Gradually, and clearly exhibiting every ounce of his self-control, he began to increase the pace of his thrusts. He pulled out until barely more than the tip was inside and engaged in faster, shallow thrusts here for a time.

Byakuya bit back a moan from the repeated, soft thrusts against his prostate. "Renji…" he whispered, not knowing what he wanted him to do about it.

Renji let out a moan, but slowly began to deepen each thrust. When he was only thrusting halfway inside, Byakuya was using all his strength not to cum. He prayed Renji would not do anything else to stimulate him until he got used to the repeated onslaughts of pleasure.

Finally, Renji thrust all the way inside him and held it here for a few seconds as both men twitched in sensation. Even though it was maximum pressure against his prostate, Renji stopping here allowed Byakuya a moment to breathe and return to his senses.

However, the next moment, Renji quickly pulled all the way out. Byakuya gasped at the rough brush against his prostate and the sudden feeling of emptiness. But then Renji flipped him over onto his back. Byakuya was not prepared for Renji's cock to thrust inside him again right away, this time from a different angle.

"Ah…!" a moan escaped him. He flushed with shame and turned his face away, hiding part of it with his hand. "Control yourself," he muttered.

But Renji quickly trapped his mouth in an overpowering kiss, while at the same time his fist wrapped tightly around Byakuya's cock and seemed to squeeze all possible pleasure out from it. And that was all Byakuya could take.

"Ngh!" Byakuya cried into Renji's mouth, his eyes going wide as pleasure overtook his misgivings.

Renji thrust mercilessly inside him a few times as Byakuya's cock spurted dilute cum over his own stomach. Renji stopped as Byakuya's hole tightened around him, and his lips parted from Byakuya's as he twitched in desperation.

"Ah…Cap…tain!" Renji cried, his hips shaking.

Byakuya tensed and then shivered as he felt warmth fill his stomach. Though it felt good, the realization that he had another man's semen inside him was deeply upsetting.

But Renji kept twitching long after, even as he wrapped his arms around Byakuya and rested his head in his neck sweetly. "Ah…Captain…" he panted, shaking. "What should I do? It won't stop…"

Byakuya bit his lip as this soft confession stoked his desire once again. He wrapped his arms around Renji's neck. Despite his intense embarrassment, he murmured, "I'm not satisfied either."

"Ahhh…" Renji moaned, and seconds later thrust hard inside Byakuya again. He twitched for a moment but then managed to take up a fast pace again, with shallow, deep thrusts. Byakuya desperately held him as he felt his lower half grow numb and hot.

For what felt like hours, and even after Byakuya asked him to stop twice, Renji dragged pleasure out of Byakuya in any way he could think of. But after cumming inside him several times, Renji met Byakuya's gaze with a forlorn puppy-dog expression.

"Captain…I know it's asking a lot but…do you think you could…?"

Byakuya frowned irritably at his vice-captain. "That is quite an impertinent request. It was my first time, yet you showed no restraint, and even came inside me. Moreover, you are still inside me."

"Sorry…" Renji mumbled. But even though he flushed all the way up to his ears, made no move to rectify the last issue. "So…it's a no?" he persisted hesitantly.

Byakuya closed his eyes with a sigh. "You seem to enjoy insulting me." With that, and despite his own pride bringing a flush to his cheeks as he did, Byakuya inserted three fingers into Renji's mouth. Renji made a noise of surprise before his eyes fluttered and he sucked lasciviously on Byakuya's fingers.

In a softly dangerous purr, Byakuya continued, "To imagine that either you are capable of exhausting me, or that your skills in bed are superior to mine, is a misapprehension that is insulting and in need of correction."

Byakuya enjoyed the increasingly pleasure-drowned face of his vice-captain as he thrust his fingers deep inside his mouth over and over. Finally he relented and removed his fingers to allow Renji to rest, though his tongue lolled out as if begging for more. Without waiting long, Byakuya reached around and slipped one wet finger into Renji's hole.

"Ah!" Renji cried, arching his back in shock.

Byakuya teased him this way, even as Renji's cock quivered desperately inside him, until he deemed he was loose enough for another finger.

"Cap…tain…!" Renji moaned, his chest quickly rising and falling with his ragged breath and his eyes growing misty with pleasure.

He helplessly thrust in time with Byakuya's fingers thrusting inside him. And by the time Byakuya added a third finger, he couldn't take any more. Renji cried out and once again came inside Byakuya, though by now he had already given all he had and he twitched desperately as he had a dry orgasm.

Renji collapsed, still twitching, on top of Byakuya. This annoyed him. After making sure he had recovered enough from the poison to use most of his upper body strength, Byakuya pushed Renji off onto his back beside him. Renji closed his eyes, still trembling with sensation. He was not prepared as Byakuya rose to his knees over him.

Renji blinked in surprise. "Captain…are you feeling better already?"

"Silence that insolent tongue," Byakuya instructed.

Without further warning, he pulled Renji's hips up to meet his own and slowly slid his cock inside him. "Nnnh…!" Renji cried, throwing his head back. "Ah…Captain…I love you!"

"I am aware."

Despite his exhaustion, the look of pleasure on Renji's face gave Byakuya new energy, and he made every effort to return what he had received. The time passed quickly as Renji filled the cave with lascivious moans. As both men finally spent themselves completely, Renji grasped Byakuya's face in his hands again.

"Captain," Renji murmured softly. "Did it help? Is your suffering less, even a little?"

Byakuya let out a small sigh as he observed Renji's flushed and concerned face. On impulse, he pressed a brief kiss to Renji's lips. "In a way I think it is greater than before." As Renji's face began to turn to horror, Byakuya murmured softly, "A soothing poison, and a pleasant suffering."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Kurotsuchi Mayuri took his time in opening the garganta, of course. It was late in the evening in Soul Society now to judge from the light visible through the garganta when it opened, just outside the cave. Once, just briefly before they stepped through the gate, Byakuya felt Renji's fingers brush against his. Renji didn't dare take his hand. There were shinigami who could see them. But his touch lingered just for a breath, the back of his fingers against Byakuya's. Then it was gone. Byakuya's stomach lurched as he knew what it meant, though he was powerless to do anything about it; Renji was saying goodbye.

They stepped through the gate together. Byakuya didn't look at anyone as he walked through the throng of worried subordinates currently mobbing the 12th division. He didn't even look back to see if Renji was following.

"Not even a thank you? Hm," Kurotsuchi pronounced, writing down something in his notes. "Yes I'm so glad I took time out of my day to save someone who leapt into Hueco Mundo with no orders to do so and no explanation. Looking forward to hearing your reasoning at the next captain's meeting, Captain Kuchiki."

"Are you all right, Captain Kuchiki?" asked the sixth division third seat, who had apparently been called when Byakuya did not return.

"Why did you go through the gate, sir?" asked another lower ranked member.

"Vice-Captain Abarai has returned with you…is his mission over?"

"There was an unexpected issue," Byakuya said, at which point most activity around him stopped to heed his firm but softly spoken words. "His mission will be delayed until it can be resolved."

"Issue, sir?"

"Return to your duties," Byakuya added sharply.

With that, rather than following his own advice, Byakuya strode with slow determination toward his home. He had no plan. No leverage and no clear solution. Nothing between him and Renji was resolved at this point. The only thing in his mind was that Renji could not be allowed to die because of Byakuya's lack of self-control.

Upon entering the Kuchiki mansion, he was quickly stopped by Rukia.

"Nii-sama!" she cried, grasping his sleeve and looking up at him with worry. His heart fluttered at her concern, which as always he felt he didn't deserve. "They said you were trapped in Hueco Mundo! Captain Ukitake told me I could take the day off, but I thought it wouldn't be proper…I'm sorry I wasn't there to greet you…are you hurt at all?"

Rukia had become very used to the way of life here, Byakuya realized. When she first came, she would have likely never considered how her actions might appear, or how they might affect the family. Even as that put Byakuya's mind at ease, as head of the family, somewhere deep inside him this change in her made him feel regretful.

"Where is my uncle?" he asked her.

"Seijō Oji-sama?" Rukia murmured in confusion. "Settling accounts, I believe…"

Byakuya nodded. "Do not approach his office. Instruct the staff to do the same until otherwise instructed," Byakuya said coldly, and despite Rukia's obvious distress, left to find Seijō.

Byakuya strode down the halls to his uncle's office. Without announcing himself, he slid the door open, stepped inside and slammed it behind him. Already, this was the most openly defiant he had ever been toward Kuchiki Seijō, or any older member of the family. Perhaps equally surprised by this behavior as Byakuya was with himself, Seijō slowly turned from the shelf of family accounts that he had been examining when Byakuya entered and ran his large, lilac eyes up and down Byakuya's frame.

Belatedly, Seijō offered a customary bow. "Welcome home, Byakuya-sama."

Unable to modulate his anger and fear enough to speak without letting those emotions show, Byakuya merely held his uncle's gaze silently.

"What can I do for you?" Seijō pressed, with blatant facetiousness.

Byakuya took his time to prepare the right words. The slightest error could exacerbate the inevitable damage he would do by defying his uncle, and could end in the opposite of what he wanted. But at that moment, he realized they were not talking about the family, Byakuya's duty or his reputation. All that mattered was Renji's safety.

"Cease your attacks on Abarai Renji," he said coldly.

Seijō's lilac eyes blinked slowly in response. The older man appraised Byakuya for some time before replying. Apparently he was determining whether it was even worth taking Byakuya seriously. Eventually he folded his hands before him with a restrained look of disdain.

"Are you well, Byakuya-sama?" he asked with insincere concern.

"Perhaps not," Byakuya muttered, barely keeping the spite from his voice. With that, he wordlessly untied his obi. Even as his uncle recoiled in confusion at his actions, Byakuya drew apart his shihakusho. Still plainly visible (partly due to Renji's poor skill at healing it), a shiny pink mark over Byakuya's abdomen, still with traces of sickly green where the poison had spread from the blade. Seijō's breath stopped. Pallor drained the color from his cheeks.

"But still well enough to head this family, I assure you," Byakuya continued in a soft, self-assured tone. "When you use the Onmitsukido, do not expect them to avoid necessary casualties to complete a mission. If not for the assistance of Abarai Renji, your hopes of the continued glory and security of this family would have come to dust, forever to rest in beneath the cold sky of Hueco Mundo. With no hope, no public explanation, and no one to blame but yourself."

Seijō steadied himself against the shelf behind him, his lips pursed and gaze fixed on the floor. He did not seem able to respond. Byakuya did not believe this display was out of filial concern; that would be a far greater crime to Kuchiki Seijō than murdering a commoner. Rather, the older man was shaken by how close he had come to losing everything he had spent his life to achieve. Without Byakuya, after all, the direct Kuchiki blood line would end. That, to Seijō, was far worse than his own death.

His point made, Byakuya restored his attire. Perhaps he need not say anything else. But as he finished tying his obi, he was struck by the sudden awareness that Renji had been far more loyal, both to Byakuya and his family, than anyone else in this equation. He fought back a flash of regret for how he had treated him of late. And as that feeling faded, affection for Renji brought a small spark of defiance into his heart.

"If Abarai Renji is killed on my behalf, whether by your hand or someone else's," Byakuya murmured, "After I have brought him justice by killing any and all responsible, I too shall die. My pride as a captain would permit nothing less. And in future…" He met his uncle's shaken gaze even as he turned to leave. "…as always, I look forward to your gentle guidance, Oji-sama."

Byakuya left his uncle still seeming dumbstruck by what had happened. For the moment at least, Byakuya was confident Renji would be safe. His uncle would certainly hesitate before acting against Byakuya's wishes after he had effectively staked his own life on Renji's safety. With that knowledge putting energy into his steps, Byakuya was almost out his gate before he realized what he had been about to do. He had been about to go and see Renji. The most foolish and vulgar thing he could have done at this point.

That fact, merely that he had been unable to resist the desire to see him for a few moments, deflated any brief sense of relief he had felt. He should never see Renji again. Not alone. Ever since Renji's confession, being alone with him had only led to temptation or pain. It made Byakuya doubt the deepest part of himself. He stood still at the gate in the darkness, seeking an answer in his own shadow cast before him over the gravel.

He hardly noticed as a smaller one approached it. "Nii-sama…" came Rukia's soft voice.

He was still too disappointed in himself to answer her.

"Did something happen with Uncle?"

"Nothing that need concern you," Byakuya answered tonelessly.

"But it has something to do with Renji, doesn't it?"

Byakuya closed his eyes; her sympathy made him want to confide in her. But he felt doing so would only compound on his sin.

"Nii-sama…it's cold," Rukia murmured, approaching him and placing a soft hand on his arm. "Are you coming or going?"

Byakuya watched her shadow beside his and was filled with a complex emotion. This image, her tiny, feminine frame beside his, this was as it should be. It pained him how much it reminded him of how happy he had been with Hisana. But Rukia was also his family. One of the many people whose lives would be ruined if Byakuya sought happiness again.

And amid all the warm feelings and the guilt he felt toward his family for what he had already done, every square inch of his body pined for Renji at that moment. To hold him close and melt away his sadness. To kiss him and smell his feral scent, to feel his heat and the shifting of his muscles beneath Byakuya's fingers. To see his canine grin. To sink into his affectionate embrace, surrounded by Renji's devotion to him. The desire was so bad it broke through his mask and painted anguish over his face. He prayed Rukia could not see in the dim light of the streetlamps. Saying nothing to her, he turned and retired to his room.

…

Things went on without further incident, almost reaching a pleasant equilibrium, for almost a month. Renji started to be almost happy with the way things were, and he continued training with his constant goal of becoming Captain Kuchiki's equal. At that point, thanks to Urahara Kisuke, Soul Society became aware of Kurosaki Ichigo's plight, and joined forced to help him.

Renji felt great pride in fighting beside Captain Kuchiki now, in some ways more than ever. But they were separated during the battle with the Fullbringers. Renji defeated his opponent without too much difficulty, but the next time Renji saw Byakuya, his left arm was a bloody mess. He also had a deep cut over his chest, but seemed otherwise unhurt, and his expression revealed no pain at all. Renji wanted to go to him, but he had trained himself not to approach Byakuya in public anymore, out of fear of tarnishing Byakuya's reputation.

To no one's surprise, Ichigo was able to defeat Ginjo in the end, reclaiming his powers to become yet more powerful than he was before. When they returned to Soul Society, Byakuya wordlessly returned to his office at the 6th division. Renji followed with worry.

"Captain, you should visit the 4th division," Renji murmured as he entered the office behind Byakuya.

"My wounds are superficial, but I will go there once I have taken some notes about our opponents," Byakuya said dismissively, sitting down at his desk and preparing some ink, a brush and parchment.

Renji frowned at this explanation. "The Fullbringers, sir? Most of them were defeated…"

"Precisely. The most dangerous of them as well." As Byakuya began to write a beautifully penned note to himself, he muttered, "Which is to say we will be seeing them again."

Renji's eyebrows rose as he realized that of course Fullbringers were human, meaning once they died they would be sent up to Rukongai. "That's right, they were all human…I see…"

It took Byakuya a few minutes to finish his note. When he turned, Renji inhaled sharply at the amount of blood still flowing from the wound on his chest. Byakuya rose from his desk, and he swayed, steadying himself on the desk. Renji dashed forward to support him.

"Captain! I knew it…there's blood everywhere, you've lost too much."

Byakuya drew in a soft breath and seemed to stop himself from speaking. As they stood, Renji was holding Byakuya against him and supporting him around his lower back, though trying to avoid putting pressure on his injured chest or arm. Byakuya had instinctively grasped Renji's arm as he supported him. And now this closeness had gone on for longer than was natural. Yet neither man moved to remedy that.

Renji felt a deep, digging pain carving out his chest, alongside a tender warmth and affection that made him never want to let go. His lips parted to say something, but the words caught in his throat. Then something happened that sent an explosion of emotion through his chest. Rather than pushing him away, Byakuya's head lowered a little toward Renji's collar bone, but did not touch. Slowly, his fingers tightened against the fabric of Renji's sleeve.

Feeling his heart breaking anew, Renji couldn't help pulling Byakuya closer. "Captain…" he whispered.

Byakuya recoiled moments later. Without looking at Renji, he turned and walked out the door. "I'll go to the 4th division now," he muttered as he walked.

Renji leaned against Byakuya's desk with a heavy breath, his heart still pounding and his skin tingling where they had touched. That was close. He wondered if it would ever get easier not to give in to his feelings, knowing that they were shared. But maybe, he thought sadly, they wouldn't last forever.

It still seemed that Byakuya did have feelings for him, but after all he had only noticed Renji after learning about Renji's feelings first. If someone else came along, someone more suitable, maybe his feelings would change again. That would be the best solution. It would be easier to resist if he were not wanted. Even if just thinking about it made Renji's chest feel carved out.

That night after work had finished, Renji went to meet Rukia to have a drink. He thought he had been able to keep up his normal, jaunty attitude but apparently not entirely. At a lull in the conversation, Rukia cast him a sideways glance.

She swished the contents of her glass a little. "Any developments between you and Byakuya Nii-sama?" she asked him matter-of-factly.

Beer that Renji had been trying to drink flowed right back out his mouth as it hung open and he stared down at her in horror. "Ah…eh….?" emerged from him as he struggled to cope with what he had just heard. It was one thing when she had been comforting him back when he thought his feelings were one-sided, but this was tantamount to approving of a relationship between them. He couldn't quite cope with that.

Rukia sighed heavily at his continued inability to respond. "I thought not. You're both such cowards when it comes to romance."

"Just...!" Renji stammered. "You want me to-?!" He looked around the bar furtively and then hissed under his breath, "You want me to hit on your brother, is that what you're saying?!"

Rukia gave him a withering glance. "You need my permission? You see, this is what I'm talking about."

Renji rested his head in his hand as her words made a flicker of guilt run through him. He looked out over the heads of the other patrons at the bar, their exuberance feeling deeply inappropriate. "It's hard to forget the look on your face that morning," he muttered softly.

Rukia frowned hard at her drink as a flush rose to her cheeks. "I'm sorry about that. But I obviously don't feel that way now, so what's stopping you?"

Rukia's approval did make him feel a little lighter, but it didn't change much. "I can't make him happy," Renji said firmly, almost as if casting a spell over himself. He willed himself to believe it even more than he already did. "I can only bring him more pain. But it's…better this way. He'll find someone else eventually. Right?"

Rukia didn't seem as convinced. "Fifty odd years to get over his first love, which he didn't have until he was already centuries old. I don't know, Renji. If I had to put money on it, I would say not in this lifetime. So. You're fine with him being unhappy all that time?"

Renji swallowed, wanting to believe the things she was saying, but fearing the damage to his heart if he did. "You know it's not that simple."

"He'll be miserable either way, true. He's that kind of person," Rukia replied philosophically. "But some kinds of misery are a kind of happiness in themselves. That's what gives life it's color." After taking a drink, she said softly, "It's up to you what you do with this information, but my uncle, your biggest enemy in the family, is out of town for a few days. Nii-sama also sent away many of the servants for the upcoming holiday. In fact the only ones still there are those most loyal to him. So…the house is very quiet."

Renji's eyes widened as he realized what she was implying.

Rukia shrugged. "It's up to you if you want to be a sad, regretful person the rest of your life. But if you were to go to our mansion right now, I think you'd find someone in need of company walking through the garden."

"Rukia…" Renji murmured, moved by her friendship. All his body at that moment urged him to run out of the izakaya, burst onto the Kuchiki grounds and embrace Byakuya. But the chains of guilt still held him back. He hung his head. Softly he murmured, "Just keep it a secret? That's your suggestion?"

"That's what I would do."

Renji chuckled. "No you wouldn't. You'd never be dumb enough to fall for someone unattainable."

Rukia mulled that over. "No, I wouldn't," she agreed. Renji laughed again, feeling real warmth this time. He really thought all the time how lucky he was to have a friend like Rukia. But then she went on, "Then again, in the normal course of things, neither would Nii-sama. And yet he has. You don't find that interesting? Maybe even worth cherishing?"

Once again Renji was stumped by his friend's penetrating words. "If…I could comfort him, without anyone knowing…" But as soon as the words left his mouth, he sighed in despair and shook his head. "Even if I could, he would never agree. Rukia, he…it hurts him. He doesn't know what to do with me. He tears himself up every time we touch. How can I help him?"

Rukia let out a heavy sigh, frowning down at her beer. "I don't know. But I know this: he does that when you're not there, too. It's something he carries with him."

Could that be true? All this time Renji had assumed it was his presence that was making Byakuya unhappy. But if not then…she was right. There was nothing stopping him.

But Rukia went on, softly addressing her beer. "The only difference is that when you're not there, he has to deal with it alone. He can't ask anyone for help. Not even me. The only time I ever see him without this cloud hanging over him is when you're standing beside him." As Renji's heart pounded at this revelation, Rukia raised an eyebrow up at him. "I don't think anyone can make my brother happy. But I think you can make him content. If you don't believe me, there's one way to find out."

Renji's mouth hung open for a few moments as hope rose within his heart. Was it true? Could it be possible that he could ease Byakuya's suffering? He only hesitated for an instant before cursing under his breath and running at full tilt out of the izakaya.

"Fool! Pay for your drink before you leave!" Rukia admonished him as he did.

He felt his chains had broken. He ran, not using shunpo but rather all his strength and the endorphins flowering through his system, feeling the night wind snapping at his face. His racing footsteps slowed as he approached the gate of the Kuchiki mansion. He'd never entered here uninvited before. He hesitated with one foot hovering over the entrance, and he set it back down outside. He found it hard to continue.

Byakuya would be angry. He had every reason to be. Renji didn't risk hoping that Byakuya would be happy to see him. He might forbid him from ever coming here again. But if there was the slightest chance he could accept him, even just temporarily, Renji had no choice but to take it.

He reduced his own reiatsu as much as possible as he took that step inside the gate. He snuck carefully inside, trying to avoid the light of the moon and the lamps hanging from the eaves of the house. As always, the garden was incredibly peaceful, now glistening with moonlight. He stepped out onto the soft moss after making sure no servants were about. He walked in silence only disturbed by the sound of running water, searching. Finally, he spotted a single figure standing on a bridge over the koi pond.

For a time, Renji just watched him, feeling as peaceful and content and yet filled with inspiration as if he were watching the ocean. His beautiful, black hair resting on his shoulders, now and then a few strands caught in the light wind and glistening slightly in the moonlight, the thin white kanzashi almost glowing through the darkness over his temple. His broad shoulders and firm stance contrasted with the delicate touch of his gloved hand on the rail of the bridge, as he watched the fish and the reflection of the moon in the water below him. Byakuya was a living work of art. Renji's heart ached, filled with love and longing for this perfect, beautiful creature.

Byakuya's head snapped up, noticing Renji's reiatsu. He whirled to see Renji standing, though still at some distance, watching him. Neither man seemed able to move at first. Renji stepped slowly toward the bridge. He stopped at the base of it, still watching and admiring Byakuya. And also waiting for him to tell him to either leave or approach.

Byakuya's lips parted. He seemed about to speak, but instead he slowly approached Renji. He cast his eyes down for a moment as if searching for words. Gently, Renji reached out and took his hand. Byakuya closed his eyes, lowering his head.

"Leave."

Renji closed his eyes as pain at the expected order spread through his chest. He had been prepared for this, he told himself. All he had to say was, "Yes." Yet the word would not come out. His fingers curled affectionately around Byakuya's.

"I want to," Renji murmured. "But my feet won't move. I think seeing you in the moonlight put a spell on me. You must break away first, Captain."

A soft exhale of frustration left Byakuya's parted lips. His eyes were still cast aside. He halfheartedly tugged against Renji's grip…but not hard enough to remove his hand from Renji's. Resignation reached Byakuya's face. Instead, his fingers slowly tightened on Renji's. His eyes turned down to view Renji's hand with a softer expression.

"…You need no longer fear my uncle," Byakuya murmured abruptly, changing the topic.

Renji gasped. "Is he dead?"

"Kindly do not kill off my relatives so easily," Byakuya replied in irritation. "I made the case to him that killing you would do more damage to the family than leaving you alive."

Renji took this in while gazing at the koi swimming in the pond below. "So you saved me again."

Byakuya's eyes remained on Renji's hand for some time. He turned it over to view the back of Renji's hand, and now he was holding Renji's instead of Renji holding his. His eyebrows drew together in frustration. "A spell or poison. Either way, I can't let go either. What have you done to me?"

Renji lovingly clasped Byakuya's cheek in his other hand. "Rukia told me something," he whispered, as Byakuya finally, reluctantly met his gaze. "We're both going to be miserable anyway. But some kinds of misery are their own kind of happiness."

Byakuya mulled that over with a look of mild disapproval. "She has grown much less nihilistic than she used to be. Regrettable."

"Captain…"

Byakuya's eyes slowly opened, but once again they were cast away, toward the water. He seemed not to want to look at Renji.

"Captain Kuchiki…"

Byakuya closed his eyes again, this time physically turning his head as if to protect himself.

So this time Renji leaned in close. He whispered against Byakuya's ear, his heart pounding with excitement and nerves, "B-…Byakuya…sama."

Byakuya's eyes shot open. Instantly he broke away and whirled to face the other way, taking several steps up the bridge and clutching his chest. "Do not say my name in such a way," he murmured in a trembling voice.

But Renji could not be dissuaded by this frankly adorable reaction. Slowly, so as not to surprise him, he walked up the bridge, stopping a step away from Byakuya. He hesitantly took his hand from behind. Byakuya's fingers twitched but he did not try to break away. From here, Renji lovingly observed the gentle curve of Byakuya's neck, a hint of his profile visible at this angle, cast with such divine perfection in the moonlight.

Renji was overcome with love for him and softly rested his forehead against the back of Byakuya's neck. "Byakuya-sama…" he said again, gathering his courage.

Byakuya shivered, once again weakly tugging his fingers away from Renji's. "Stop that."

"I can't. I love saying your name because I love you."

Byakuya let out a quick, soft sigh, lowering his head.

"It's torture knowing this hurts you too," Renji murmured, despite his pain feeling warmth and excitement run through him at the scent of Byakuya's skin. "I told you before, Captain. All I want is for you to be happy. But recently I've been full of myself. Starting to think…I could be the one to make you happy. I know I don't have anything to offer. I'm just a dog, but…if you love this dog too, then…"

Renji slipped his free hand through Byakuya's arm and clung to his shoulder. "…find some happiness with me."

Byakuya did not answer for some time. At length, Renji thought he felt his muscles relax just a little. "Love has never once brought me happiness," Byakuya murmured.

Renji's heart sank. His hand gripped Byakuya's haori, knowing how true that was, and preparing himself to say goodbye to this love forever.

"But misery with you is…very pleasant."

Renji's eyes opened wide. "Captain!" he cried, hugging Byakuya tight from behind.

Byakuya allowed this in silence for a few moments, but then rested a hand over Renji's. "Having once closed the gap of formality…" he said in a very soft voice. "…feeling it open again is displeasing. If I allow you here in this capacity, that makes you my lover, Renji. There are rules for handling such affairs and they require far more care and involve much more danger than any alternative. That said, during such times, it would be permissible…"

"Captain?" Renji pressed, as Byakuya faltered.

The noble turned his head demurely away. He eventually managed to softly finish his thought, "It would be permissible…to call me as a lover would."

Renji's heart felt as if it might burst from his chest. He released Byakuya from his arms and walked around to stand facing him. He gently took Byakuya's hand again. When Byakuya reluctantly met his gaze, Renji said softly, "Byakuya-sama. Can we go somewhere to be alone together?"

Byakuya closed his eyes with resignation. "This way."

Renji thought they would go to Byakuya's bedroom, but he led Renji straight through that set of rooms as well as several others until they reached a hallway. One turn after another, they continued to travel with only the sound of their own footsteps, and Renji's heart hammering in his ears. Finally, down a smaller hall, they came to a relatively humble doorway. Byakuya slid it open.

Once again, they were met with air from the outside. Renji couldn't tell where they were until he took a few steps out after Byakuya and could see by the light of the moon. Steam rose from an unevenly shaped ring of water around an elegant rock sculpture. The water was penned in by similarly textured, black rock, and was even interspersed with moss and tiny trees around the exterior. Renji was moved by its beauty before he realized this was all one natural hot spring bath.

Byakuya faced him in the moonlight. The two stood together in silence for some time, and for the first time, Renji breathed a sigh of relief. They were safe, they were together, and Byakuya wanted him here. There was no greater happiness than this. Renji squeezed the fingers of the hand that Byakuya had offered, then brought hand to his lips and kissed Byakuya's knuckles and fingers. Byakuya watched him fixedly for a time as he did this, seeming a little surprised by this behavior.

Their eyes met. Byakuya cupped Renji's face in his hand and his eyes fluttered as he watched him for a moment. Renji desperately wanted to embrace him and kiss him. However, he knew that doing so now might make Byakuya passive again. He wanted most for Byakuya to feel comfortable with him. It was important that Byakuya discover the pleasure of touch on his own terms.

The beautiful nobleman's eyes caressed Renji's face, jaw and neck. Byakuya slid his fingers under the collar of Renji's shihakusho, sliding along his collarbone. He pushed the garment off Renji's shoulder. Renji couldn't help shivering reflexively in the cold. Byakuya looked up at him, apparently interested by this reaction. Seeming to take encouragement from it, he pushed off the opposite shoulder as well, his fingers returning to caress the exposed skin.

Renji felt himself beginning to tremble, partly from the cold and partly from excitement at the fact that Byakuya was willingly touching him. His breathing began to rise as Byakuya's fingers traced the lines of his tattoos, drawing nearer toward his heart. They brushed his left nipple. Renji stiffened and bit his lip with a soft noise.

Byakuya's eyes widened just a little as he observed Renji's face. Byakuya moved one hand upward, resting his fingertips along Renji's skin as it moved, and with the other encircled Renji's nipple several times. As Renji's voice began to rise, Byakuya clasped his chin in his hand, pulled him down and pressed a feather-light kiss to his lips.

Renji gasped out loud at the pleasure this tiny action gave him. But soon, Byakuya drew away. He quickly untied his obi and let his haori and shihakusho flutter to the ground beneath his feet. Renji followed suit, sloughing off the remainder of his clothing. He stepped out of them to lightly grasp Byakuya's forearms, admiring the heartbreaking beauty of Byakuya's body gleaming in the moonlight.

Byakuya's eyes traveled upward to Renji's hair, resting there for a moment with affection. He reached up past Renji's shoulder and head, and pulled away the tie that had been taming Renji's locks. They slipped down and fell in a messy veil between them. Renji couldn't be sure, but for a moment he thought a soft smile crossed Byakuya's face. The two shared a glance between the veil of Renji's wild locks. Renji couldn't help himself anymore. He grasped Byakuya tight in his arms and drew him into a deep kiss.

For the first time, Renji felt Byakuya start to relax in his arms. He even got a thrill of pleasure through his body as he shifted his hips against Byakuya's and felt his beautiful captain's cock hardening against him. He wanted to be connected to him, now.

"Byakuya-sama…" he whispered against his lips, still embarrassed to call him by his name. "Can I come inside you?"

Byakuya's cool gaze, currently more than usually beautiful with a flush warming his cheeks, observed Renji affectionately for some time. "Later," he said simply.

With that, Byakuya pulled Renji into the steaming water so both men were standing in it. Excess water splashed out over the rocks as they entered, sending more steam into the night air. After getting wet, it was too cold to be only partially submerged, so both men sank to their knees while watching each other.

Renji patiently waited as Byakuya ran his hands up Renji's arms under the water. Those dexterous fingers found every unique bump and line on Renji's collarbone. Byakuya cupped his hand to bring water up to Renji's neck. He let it wash over Renji's skin and chased it with his hand, cleansing Renji's skin in a way that was surprisingly erotic. Renji gasped as he repeated the action, the skin of his neck feeling somehow more sensitive than usual now.

As desperate as he was, Renji couldn't bear to stop Byakuya's sensuous touching. It felt like being licked all over by a normally bad-tempered cat. After washing Renji's neck and collarbone, Byakuya shifted closer under the water, briefly wrapping his arms around Renji's shoulders. But again he took up his reverential washing, this time slipping his hands under Renji's hair and running them along the back of his neck.

Renji couldn't hold back a shaking sigh, his fingers grasping Byakuya's back under the water. Byakuya let his head sink down into the curve of Renji's neck, nuzzling him affectionately for a moment. He drew back and met Renji's gaze. As Renji's uneven breath came out as steam, Byakuya raised both hands and ran his fingers all over Renji's face, sweeping his hair back into the water. As Byakuya drew his face gradually closer to Renji's, eyes feasting on every part of Renji's face, his hands continued to roam down Renji's back.

Renji shivered and instinctively arched his back, bumping his shoulders against the edge of the bath, while being unable to tear his eyes away from the sweet and erotic expression on Byakuya's face. He couldn't even close his eyes at first as Byakuya's lips touched his own. When Renji saw Byakuya's eyes flutter closed, he let out a soft moan and closed his own, sinking into the soft kiss. Under the water, one of Byakuya's hands slipped down into the crevice between Renji's buttocks. To his shock, a finger slid inside him.

"Ah!" Renji cried, arching his back again.

As he trembled all over with pleasure, Byakuya whispered in his ear, "If I must be honest, it is difficult for me to deny you anything, Renji. But allow me this indulgence. This desire may tear me apart."

Renji let out a trembling moan, unable to respond as Byakuya's fingers pulled away all his attention. Renji let his head fall back and gave himself over to the sensations running over him. Under the water, Byakuya supported the small of Renji's back and lifted his hips to thrust his fingers in and out of him while he watched Renji's face with fascination.

As much as his cock ached to be inside Byakuya, all the more because of what Byakuya was doing to him, Renji was unable to fight against this pleasure. He found his hips twitching against his will, encouraging Byakuya's fingers. They skillfully drove against his most sensitive spot over and over, increasing his desire to feel Byakuya thrusting inside him. Rough moans escaped his lips, their intensity increasing until Renji felt his orgasm approaching.

But before he could cum, Byakuya grasped the base of his cock hard enough to hurt a little. Renji cried out and panted in frustration, covering his eyes with his hand.

"Wait just a little," Byakuya told him softly.

Obediently Renji nodded, resting his hands on Byakuya's shoulders as his captain drew closer, wrapping himself in Renji's legs. Byakuya held Renji's gaze for several long seconds, causing Renji's chest to ache, and then he raised a hand to caress Renji's face once again. It was so tender it made Renji's eyes sting.

"Captain…" he whispered reflexively.

"Use my name," Byakuya insisted, pressing a kiss to Renji's cheek as he pressed the tip of his cock to Renji's hole under the water.

"Ah…Byakuya-sama…ah!" Renji cried out loudly as Byakuya's cock pushed inside him.

Byakuya let out a soft gasp as his cock filled Renji. He rested his head against Renji's chest as both men overcame the urge to come immediately. Renji shivered at the soft touch of Byakuya's hair and breath against his skin. The heat from the bath and the cold from the air was making every nerve alight.

Byakuya slowly looked up at Renji again. He caressed Renji's face as he had done so many times already, each time with a soft reverence as if he almost didn't believe Renji was real. He wove his fingers through Renji's hair and supported the back of his head to better see his face. To Renji's disbelief, he was sure even in the moonlight that he saw a soft smile meet Byakuya's face.

"Renji. How much do you love me?"

After a raise of his eyebrows, Renji stifled a chuckle. "What kind of question is that?"

"Do not tease me," Byakuya said, his smile fading.

Surprised at his seriousness, Renji took his time to answer truthfully. Even though it was difficult to move without sending waves of pleasure through his body, he raised his hands to brush Byakuya's hair away from his beautiful face as he admired the slight insecurity drawing together Byakuya's brows, along with the affection now obviously shining in his dark eyes. Renji's chest felt as if it might break into pieces.

"So much…that even when you're not here, I feel you with me," Renji said softly, his heart pounding with the embarrassment of saying this out loud. But for love of Byakuya, he carried on, "I'm not whole anymore." He ran a finger down the center of his own chest as Byakuya watched in fascination. "Your presence has marked me so deeply, you're part of me. I think I'd die if you were ever hurt. I don't really know how to quantify that with a number but…anyway, a lot."

To Renji's surprise, though he had said his true feelings and in a light tone that he thought would make Byakuya smile again, the captain lowered his head with a strained breath. He wrapped his arms around Renji's chest under the water and held him tightly. Renji gasped as the pressure suddenly increased inside him; Byakuya had gotten harder.

"Renji…even if things change," Byakuya whispered against Renji's chest. Renji was shocked that his voice trembled. Byakuya's fingers tightened against Renji's back, though he would not lift his head. "…don't leave me. I couldn't bear it."

Concerned, Renji gently forced Byakuya to lift his head. Already most of the emotion was concealed, but his eyes were faintly red. At first he wouldn't meet Renji's gaze. When he did, Renji stroked his hair.

"There may be some fool alive who would leave you. It isn't me." He pulled Byakuya into a tight embrace, gasping as the angle of Byakuya's cock shifted inside him. "You're so dear to me that sometimes I can barely breathe. Ah!" he cried against his will as Byakuya accidentally moved his hips. Panting with emotion and inescapable pleasure, he whispered in Byakuya's ear, "Byakuya…I love you…"

Byakuya gasped. After a frozen moment, he thrust his hips hard into Renji. Renji threw his head back, splashing water out over the stones. Byakuya clung to him as he repeatedly struck Renji's most sensitive spot, his cock harder than Renji ever remembered. Byakuya's breath was ragged, his fingers digging into Renji's skin. Renji was feeling so good he thought he might pass out.

After only a few moments, Byakuya flinched from head to toe and let out a heavy sigh. He held Renji tight to him as his cock twitched against Renji's prostate so hard he couldn't hold back anymore. Renji whimpered, tensing under the powerful sensations and finally cumming so hard that he almost thought he would get a headache from it. The two men were left panting, exhausted and sweating in the hot water and cold air. Renji was desperately uncomfortable but he couldn't bear to move, since Byakuya's cock still felt so good inside him.

To his surprise, only moments later – and without losing his erection in the slightest – Byakuya lifted Renji partly from the water, laying him down on the ledge. Renji gasped as Byakuya grabbed his hips and without warning began thrusting inside him again.

Renji was overcome; in desperation he clasped his own forehead and chest, looking for relief from this powerful pleasure that wouldn't stop. Byakuya bent down to clasp Renji tightly around the small of his back and continue pumping inside him, now with his forehead pressing hard against Renji's heart and his hot breath against his chest. Renji couldn't help digging his fingernails into Byakuya's back and shoulder as his voice rose over and over in desperate moans of pleasure.

Renji's legs wrapped tightly around Byakuya as he felt yet another orgasm already approaching. He didn't want to cum again so soon. He wanted a break. But he couldn't help it. His breath almost stopped several times as he tried to hold back this feeling. But as Byakuya's cock struck his sensitive places in just the right way far too many times, and possibly with the relief and joy of finally being accepted by him, Renji was ravaged by an orgasm that neither his mind nor mind were prepared for.

He froze, his back arched and his throat stopped. He couldn't move except to twitch violently for several moments. Byakuya fortunately realized and stopped, because if he thrust one more time Renji felt he would lose his mind. He felt his own cock twitching desperately, but he could not physically cum again so soon. Because it was dry, the feeling seemed to go on forever, trapping him in this state of paralyzed ecstasy. He could barely breathe. He started to panic.

"Renji," Byakuya's soft voice. He bent down and clasped Renji's cheek with concern. "Are you having a dry orgasm?"

Renji was still frozen by sensation and unable to answer, still barely conscious enough to draw breath and starting to feel lightheaded. It felt too good, it was terrifying.

"It's all right," Byakuya murmured against his lips. "Come back. Stay with me."

He pressed a sweet, healing kiss to Renji's lips. Renji's eyes fluttered as he struggled through the feeling of cumming constantly. But as he focused on Byakuya's lips, slowly he was able to find soothing calm. He continued panting and moaning softly for several long moments as Byakuya kissed him, but finally the feeling faded. Unfortunately, Renji's consciousness went with it. His limbs flopped down at his sides and his head dropped to one side, and he fell into a deeply satisfying sleep.

…

When he awoke again, he was in a dark room, snuggled in the most comfortable kimono and bed he had ever been in, in addition to the arms of the one he loved. To his disbelief, Byakuya had been stroking his hair as he slept.

Byakuya noticed Renji was awake but continued his affectionate preening. "I'm sorry," he said, his soft baritone in this context making all Renji's hairs stand on end and his heart thrum in his ears. "I didn't mean to overwhelm you like that."

Renji's face was quickly overtaken by a bright red blush. "I didn't…mind…"

Byakuya's eyebrows rose slightly, though he didn't seem displeased. "Oh? I see."

"Ahh please don't be disappointed that I'm such a lech…" Renji complained, hiding his face in his hands.

But instead of the usual lecture, or even a teasing reaction, Renji found himself suddenly pulled tight against Byakuya's chest. As he was blinking with shock (and, he must admit, happiness), Byakuya whispered, "I love you so much it feels as if my heart will burst."

After a few moments to absorb this, Renji's lovestruck body had a very bipolar reaction. At the same time that his heart was aching at the idea his unrequited love had just said something impossible, as he started to believe something so beautiful could be real, hot tears streaked down his face. At Byakuya's proximity, the sound of his voice, the smell of his skin and the idea that he was truly loved, Renji's cock quickly became painfully hard. And yet, even this slight tension was blissful somehow.

Even so, he was soon too happy to contain it in quiet crying and he started to sob. Byakuya pulled away from him to see what was wrong, which made him even more embarrassed and he tried to hide his face.

"Renji? What's the matter?" Byakuya asked with concern.

Renji smiled broadly even as he continued his loud and ugly crying. "I'm so happy I could die."

"Don't," Byakuya chided, dubiously.

Renji laughed. He entwined their bodies even more tightly, now able to feel Byakuya's body heat against his cock, and feeling that alone might make him cum. "Captain…or…Byakuya," he corrected himself with a blush. "I'm really so happy I couldn't tell you. I'm going to wake up and think this was a dream."

Though his expression barely changed, Renji was sure he saw the traces of affection in Byakuya's face, even though his next words were harsh. But he stroked Renji's hair again as he said, "It won't feel like this most of the time. It's not that it's never been done before, but for someone in my position to maintain a relationship like this is both a great hardship and extremely precarious. It will mean making many sacrifices and planning very carefully. Even so…would you walk this arduous path with me, Renji?"

Renji smiled as he thought immediately that he could be walking through hell and it would feel like heaven if Byakuya were beside him. In fact, he'd done it before. He raised his face to be as close as possible to Byakuya's to look deep into his eyes. He ran a hand up his shoulder and neck and ran his hands through his hair, in awe of how much he loved him.

"I can't think of anyone I'd rather me miserable with," he whispered against Byakuya's lips. Though he could tell from the intensity of Byakuya's expression that he was about to kiss him, he whispered passionately, "I'd die for you-"

Byakuya's lips cut him off, and suddenly he was tightly claimed in Byakuya's arms in a consuming kiss. Yet Byakuya immediately broke away and instructed him harshly, "You will not." He clasped Renji's face in both hands, forcing him to maintain his gaze, and told him firmly, "I admit that your loyalty is one of the things I love about you. But if you die I will never forgive you. You are my lover, Renji. That is who you are now. Your duty is to spend the rest of your life with me. No matter how many centuries pass, you will not die and leave me. Is that clear?"

Even though by now he was crying again, Renji gave a wolfish smile. "Now I see why Rukia calls you possessive."

Byakuya reaffirmed his point with another claiming kiss. "Is that clear?" he asked again.

Renji nodded. "I wish I could marry you," he said. He had meant it off-handedly, merely as a way to convey how much he felt exactly the same as Byakuya. More of a metaphor, really.

But Byakuya seemed concerned by the suggestion. He stared down at Renji with a slight frown for some time. His eyes wandered away after a time as if he were deep in thought, although he was still laying on top of Renji. Finally, his frown deepened briefly and he shook his head.

Just as Renji was being deeply puzzled by this display, Byakuya concluded to himself, "It would be too difficult to arrange." Yet after another moment he added, "Most likely…for now…"

"Eh?" Renji chirped, even more baffled.

But apparently not in a mood to explain himself, Byakuya merely frowned again, and then kissed Renji once more. "For now, can you be satisfied by knowing I love you with all my heart?"

Renji chuckled awkwardly. "I'd be satisfied with just a tiny piece."

"I doubt that you would," Byakuya murmured, reaching his hand down to stroke Renji's still hard cock. Renji shuddered all over with a moan and clung to him. "If I didn't love you this much, we never would have done this."

"Ca-…Byakuya!" Renji cried, and with that he flipped Byakuya onto his back and claimed his lips in a passionate kiss.

Renji had no idea how many times they did it that night, but he remembered wondering if his cock would ever go soft, and his lower half even started to feel numb. The only thing he knew for sure was that he woke up the next morning sore all over. And when he bathed later – after Byakuya insisted – he realized it wasn't just his muscles. His body was a patchwork of bite marks, hickeys, scratches and even bruises from Byakuya holding his wrists too tightly.

"Can't…really go to the 4th Division like this…gonna have to be Hanataro," he concluded, nodding to himself. He skipped through the rest of the day with the knowledge that he was so violently loved by the most perfect being in the universe.


End file.
